I've been imparting wisdom for the last 3 days.
Well, technically I've been doing that since a long time ago, but these 3 days it just had been quite intense.
So what does it feel like having people looking at you attentively, devouring your inputs, nodding and making notes (and even inquire some) as you speak?
It's fun.
I used to think that the bravest 2 words ever said are "Any questions?". It's an invitation for (normally) a bunch of people who've been listening to your words to dig deeper, re-analyze, find out more, and simply asking any inquiries they might have. Whatever it may be, ask away. Really. Really. Anything that comes up from that complex human brain, I should be able to give some insights. You might have read a whole book about it, you might be just testing, you might be really stupid or you might want to see if I'm really stupid, I challenge you. Give me a question.
Everytime I watch other people end a speech by saying "Any questions?" I panicked for them. My God, who knows if a genius had been listening and is prepared to give, simply put, the ultimate question that you don't know the answer to? You've just given a complete speech that supposedly shows how great you are! But you've worked so hard! If you can't answer a question here, your image will be ruined and your speech shall be useless!
How can you just ask them to ask anything they want?
But, I got through it.
I started realizing that I've been exposed to that kind of humiliation during my 3 years of teaching. Apparently, I think, the phrase "Any questions?" is sort of a reflex - you simply say it after you're satisfied with your speech. And yes, there had been times when I can't answer people (and I pray everyday to leave those times behind me), and that look on their face were terrible. But I survived.
The last three days (and the last year) I've been blessed with the absence of those moments and those expressions. I learned to always, always really know what you're talking about (which might explain why I'm generally quiet on small chats but an extrovert otherwise), and I learned to show the confidence of always, always really knowing what you're talking about.
And I learned that the looks of people when they learned something from what you said is rewarding enough to went through all of the above. There's hardly a better satisfaction than receiving gratitudes for helping improve other people.
This was why I wanted to become a teacher.
Sadly (well I had to reach a sad point somewhere, did you not see the aura of this blog?), the satisfaction of imparting knowledge is barely a competition to the sorrow of realizing that all your friends are off busy doing their own things, and now you're left behind. Then you started thinking if the process of building intelligence for other people had ironically made you too stupid for keeping up with your peers.
And now the days of imparting wisdom are interfered with moments of stillness,
and followed with nights of silence.
Friday
Tuesday
On Mushy Things
Falling in love must be the greatest feeling there is. It just has to be. You realize it's the only phrase that describes a feeling as a noun? We have "getting mad", "being sad", "being satisfied"...even the opposite itself, "hate", is still an adjective. You say stuff like "I'm really scared" or "Is she disappointed?", but when it's love, it's "He's really in love with her". In. As if this particular feeling is not something you experience mentally, but literally got inside of.
I may be wrong on the linguistic analysis, but few would deny the first sentence.
I miss being in love. I mean, I know I throw myself to all kinds of feelings to the extreme, drama queen and all, but isn't the purpose of love to eat you alive? It's supposed to disallow your brain to be occupied by anything else in this world, because love is something you should experience a hundred percent, with nothing else coming close. Otherwise how'd you remember it well? Love should be the only feeling you remember when you look back in life.
I've fallen for some great guys before, and there were different reasons for every person. There was one for his smile (I know it doesn't sound like a reason to fall in love, but you should see his smile. I was obsessed for 2,5 years with that smile). One for his unique personality, very conventional but at the same time always on the curious side of things he's not "supposed" to know. One for his hysterical sense of humour. One for simply being one of the best friends I've ever had. And one for his passion. If I had learned anything from all this, it's this : there's no such thing as an "ideal type", personality-wise that is. What we usually hear, "Kind", "understanding", "caring", etc is people's default type. Normally your efforts are focused in trying to find one like that, but don't be surprised when you're eventually drawn to the exact opposite.
My goodness, there's just nothing like it, isn't there? Showing up wherever they show up, eagerly waiting for your dose of pleasure in seeing them again. Even when they don't notice you, knowing that any minute now they can come up to you is enough.
Even when they're not talking to you, watching their expressions is enough.
Even when they're standing next to you, feeling their presence is enough.
And with this, every night you dream of seeing them again the next day.
And of course,
even when they're not mad at you, nor sad because you, doing everything you can to make them happy again is never enough.
even when they didn't smile at you when you passed, weeks of "what did I do?" self-scrutinize is never enough.
even when they're just saying "hi" to someone else, jealousy and venting at the worst level is never enough.
How you feel every day will be fully determined by the behavior of the person you fall in love with that day. And that's a lot of power given out to somebody who may not even think of you as more than an acquaintance.
I wrote this a few years ago. It was in this story which I still think is the only one worth continuing. It wasn't written in English, but a rough translation would be something like this:
"..I decided something genuine (love) would be a great experience for me. So I allowed the feeling to stay. But unfortunately, it didn't just stay, it ran and dragged me up and down in a pace only Olympic athletes can compete. I never thought something so mushy can be so strong!"
I know it's beyond self-centered to quote yourself in your own blog, but I thought that said it pretty well, don't you?
I may be wrong on the linguistic analysis, but few would deny the first sentence.
I miss being in love. I mean, I know I throw myself to all kinds of feelings to the extreme, drama queen and all, but isn't the purpose of love to eat you alive? It's supposed to disallow your brain to be occupied by anything else in this world, because love is something you should experience a hundred percent, with nothing else coming close. Otherwise how'd you remember it well? Love should be the only feeling you remember when you look back in life.
I've fallen for some great guys before, and there were different reasons for every person. There was one for his smile (I know it doesn't sound like a reason to fall in love, but you should see his smile. I was obsessed for 2,5 years with that smile). One for his unique personality, very conventional but at the same time always on the curious side of things he's not "supposed" to know. One for his hysterical sense of humour. One for simply being one of the best friends I've ever had. And one for his passion. If I had learned anything from all this, it's this : there's no such thing as an "ideal type", personality-wise that is. What we usually hear, "Kind", "understanding", "caring", etc is people's default type. Normally your efforts are focused in trying to find one like that, but don't be surprised when you're eventually drawn to the exact opposite.
My goodness, there's just nothing like it, isn't there? Showing up wherever they show up, eagerly waiting for your dose of pleasure in seeing them again. Even when they don't notice you, knowing that any minute now they can come up to you is enough.
Even when they're not talking to you, watching their expressions is enough.
Even when they're standing next to you, feeling their presence is enough.
And with this, every night you dream of seeing them again the next day.
And of course,
even when they're not mad at you, nor sad because you, doing everything you can to make them happy again is never enough.
even when they didn't smile at you when you passed, weeks of "what did I do?" self-scrutinize is never enough.
even when they're just saying "hi" to someone else, jealousy and venting at the worst level is never enough.
How you feel every day will be fully determined by the behavior of the person you fall in love with that day. And that's a lot of power given out to somebody who may not even think of you as more than an acquaintance.
I wrote this a few years ago. It was in this story which I still think is the only one worth continuing. It wasn't written in English, but a rough translation would be something like this:
"..I decided something genuine (love) would be a great experience for me. So I allowed the feeling to stay. But unfortunately, it didn't just stay, it ran and dragged me up and down in a pace only Olympic athletes can compete. I never thought something so mushy can be so strong!"
I know it's beyond self-centered to quote yourself in your own blog, but I thought that said it pretty well, don't you?
Stay There.
Don't lose it just yet.
Only a week to go. You can do this.
Everything you've been working on all this time is about to change you. Those 2 months of solitude, arrogance, and self-scrutinize...it's about to end. It's really going to end.
It's not like you've had hell though. It was an amusing 2 months, I dare say, with a lot of luck taking charge and a bit of companionship.
But now, as it's about to end, prepare to get your life back. Your normal, peaceful, geeky life like the one you used to have. Where you only need to worry about how to prepare for exams.
And all will be well. All mistakes you've made, assignments you've left, groups you've abandoned, health treatments you've missed (dentist? What's that?), family ties you've broken, friendships you've ruined (and shred to pieces, hello people-who-no-longer-talk-to-me, yes I missed you), everything will still (hopefully) be waiting to be repaired. You get to fix them all!
In just one week.
And after that, you can have all the things you so dearly missed...and if everything were really as good as you remembered, they'll all still be there for you. And I believe they are, and with a little bit of work, you can make them last for a long time.
Of course if you can't, try to make them last at least until May 6th, where you'll be leaving them again...
Ah my dear friends. You've no idea how I miss having a full interaction with you.
Only a week to go. You can do this.
Everything you've been working on all this time is about to change you. Those 2 months of solitude, arrogance, and self-scrutinize...it's about to end. It's really going to end.
It's not like you've had hell though. It was an amusing 2 months, I dare say, with a lot of luck taking charge and a bit of companionship.
But now, as it's about to end, prepare to get your life back. Your normal, peaceful, geeky life like the one you used to have. Where you only need to worry about how to prepare for exams.
And all will be well. All mistakes you've made, assignments you've left, groups you've abandoned, health treatments you've missed (dentist? What's that?), family ties you've broken, friendships you've ruined (and shred to pieces, hello people-who-no-longer-talk-to-me, yes I missed you), everything will still (hopefully) be waiting to be repaired. You get to fix them all!
In just one week.
And after that, you can have all the things you so dearly missed...and if everything were really as good as you remembered, they'll all still be there for you. And I believe they are, and with a little bit of work, you can make them last for a long time.
Of course if you can't, try to make them last at least until May 6th, where you'll be leaving them again...
Ah my dear friends. You've no idea how I miss having a full interaction with you.
Never Thought About This Before.
There are two things about negativity that I hadn't known until about 6 months ago:
(1) In every situation, no matter how perfect it may seem, there's bound to be at least one negative way to look at it. Two if you look hard enough.
(2) Contrary to popular belief, pointing out the aforementioned negative perspective doesn't necessarily always lead to depression. When done very, very delicately and at the perfect time, it can even be something to laugh about.
Which is why, for a reason that remains to be a mystery, a person can actually be both pessimistic and hilarious at the same time.
(1) In every situation, no matter how perfect it may seem, there's bound to be at least one negative way to look at it. Two if you look hard enough.
(2) Contrary to popular belief, pointing out the aforementioned negative perspective doesn't necessarily always lead to depression. When done very, very delicately and at the perfect time, it can even be something to laugh about.
Which is why, for a reason that remains to be a mystery, a person can actually be both pessimistic and hilarious at the same time.
Saturday
What Is All This?
Why am I even doing this?
Why do I bother working for something I don't really see the feasibility of succeeding in?
Why can't I just settle in and start thinking of things that matters the most? Because I know, this isn't the ultimate thing that matters for me.
Am I really going to be satisfied, looking back?
Will I ever going to be satisfied, at all?
Why can't I just be content with I have?
Why must I push myself for more and more (and more)?
Because being ordinary is unacceptable.
Why do I bother working for something I don't really see the feasibility of succeeding in?
Why can't I just settle in and start thinking of things that matters the most? Because I know, this isn't the ultimate thing that matters for me.
Am I really going to be satisfied, looking back?
Will I ever going to be satisfied, at all?
Why can't I just be content with I have?
Why must I push myself for more and more (and more)?
Because being ordinary is unacceptable.
Monday
The sweetest thing.
I have a problem with chocolate.
If I ate it, occassionally (more often than not) I get these annoying headaches. But not just any headache like the one you suffer when you have a cold, these feels like all the blood in your head rise up to your brain, then you feel increasingly dizzy and you picture the veins on the side of your head (I think it's called posterior facial veins, but I'm not sure) are blocked with chocolate, and the blood flow is pushing as hard as it can to keep flowing. Then you started questioning your intelligence for consuming this substance in the first place.
So far I haven't been bothered to find out a medical explanation for this. I predicted it has something to do with cocoa, but there are some brands of chocolate I can eat with no side effects. Then I wondered if I have a problem with cheap chocolate bars, since I thoroughly enjoy Ferrero Rocher and Godiva truffles. I find this assumption highly flattering and was content with it for a while, thinking of myself as a real-life-quality-checker for chocolate. But then I found some really cheap chocolate bars I like. Then there are some that gives different effects everytime I eat them. So in the end I just gave up trying to analyse this and simply rely on my luck for the random headaches.
I'm still a big fan of chocolate, though. I find it amazing how chocolate is integrated within humanity.
Okay, I know the automatic response to this is Oh please, don't be so dramatic. But think about it. I don't think that, apart from water, there is a single substance that has the power to affect our lives in an absolute way chocolate does. In a desperate attempt to prove it, I've conjured up my own crazy assumptions on how this happens.
See, when you were a child, you love sweet things. So that's all sweet stuff : candy, lollipops, ice cream, chocolate. Then the premice goes: Children like stuff that has a bit of a gooey texture to it. That leaves ice cream and chocolate (when slightly melted). Then I assumed children would prefer things they can hold in their hand without a risk of dropping it accidentally (like when the ice cream falls out of the cone). Not to mention the satisfaction of licking the wrapper that just doesn't happen on any other sweets. Thus, children loves chocolate.
And then, you grow up. This next assumption goes mostly for women: things go so much more complicated. Suddenly your body changes (but not the way you want it), you can't talk to your parents, everything is such an upsetting drama. You wish everything would just run along smoothly, just like when you were little. Suddenly you have that urge to feel like you're a child again. As it is now impossible to whine about your problems or spend time on the playground or dance naked in the rain, how do you propose to relive those happy times? Eat chocolate. Easy.
So how would this assumption affect men? When you're in a relationship, it goes a long way when you try to understand your partner. So, aside from putting up with mood strikes, relationship talks and guessing what they really want, men also must understand that women turn to chocolate as an ultimate fix-it. Giving your woman chocolate says:
(a) You love her
(b) You're aware that she loves chocolate
(c) You understand and accepts the fact that she loves chocolate
(d) You understand that chocolate is fattening, but you're OK with that because you know how much your woman loves chocolate (additional points for showing that you don't have a problem with fat women)
(e) You accept the inner child in her that caused her to love chocolate
(f) You respect her ability to overcame all of her problems with chocolate
(g) You show your support in helping her solve her problems
so, eventually:
(h) You love her.
With that many message in one gift, and the fact that men also like chocolate when they were young, the consumption of chocolate never stops.
I also understand that chocolate does a lot of things for your health. It releases serotonin that creates a relaxing pleasure, it's aphrodisiac, it has antioxidants that help protect blood vessels, promote cardiac health, and prevent cancer. It also has been effectively demonstrated to counteract mild hypertension, and no matter what your mother tell you, it does NOT cause acne. I'd expect the announcement that chocolate cures HIV any day now.
All in all, was there ever any doubt that our seemingly-independent lives are being controlled by this substance?
As minorities always suffer, people with chocolate-related diseases like me are left to smile uncomfortably when somebody gave them a box of pralines. Who are we to challenge the power of chocolate?
This has been a very late "Happy Valentine's Day for those who's celebrating" post.
P.S : This also has been perhaps the most enjoyable post-writing process I've ever had.
If I ate it, occassionally (more often than not) I get these annoying headaches. But not just any headache like the one you suffer when you have a cold, these feels like all the blood in your head rise up to your brain, then you feel increasingly dizzy and you picture the veins on the side of your head (I think it's called posterior facial veins, but I'm not sure) are blocked with chocolate, and the blood flow is pushing as hard as it can to keep flowing. Then you started questioning your intelligence for consuming this substance in the first place.
So far I haven't been bothered to find out a medical explanation for this. I predicted it has something to do with cocoa, but there are some brands of chocolate I can eat with no side effects. Then I wondered if I have a problem with cheap chocolate bars, since I thoroughly enjoy Ferrero Rocher and Godiva truffles. I find this assumption highly flattering and was content with it for a while, thinking of myself as a real-life-quality-checker for chocolate. But then I found some really cheap chocolate bars I like. Then there are some that gives different effects everytime I eat them. So in the end I just gave up trying to analyse this and simply rely on my luck for the random headaches.
I'm still a big fan of chocolate, though. I find it amazing how chocolate is integrated within humanity.
Okay, I know the automatic response to this is Oh please, don't be so dramatic. But think about it. I don't think that, apart from water, there is a single substance that has the power to affect our lives in an absolute way chocolate does. In a desperate attempt to prove it, I've conjured up my own crazy assumptions on how this happens.
See, when you were a child, you love sweet things. So that's all sweet stuff : candy, lollipops, ice cream, chocolate. Then the premice goes: Children like stuff that has a bit of a gooey texture to it. That leaves ice cream and chocolate (when slightly melted). Then I assumed children would prefer things they can hold in their hand without a risk of dropping it accidentally (like when the ice cream falls out of the cone). Not to mention the satisfaction of licking the wrapper that just doesn't happen on any other sweets. Thus, children loves chocolate.
And then, you grow up. This next assumption goes mostly for women: things go so much more complicated. Suddenly your body changes (but not the way you want it), you can't talk to your parents, everything is such an upsetting drama. You wish everything would just run along smoothly, just like when you were little. Suddenly you have that urge to feel like you're a child again. As it is now impossible to whine about your problems or spend time on the playground or dance naked in the rain, how do you propose to relive those happy times? Eat chocolate. Easy.
So how would this assumption affect men? When you're in a relationship, it goes a long way when you try to understand your partner. So, aside from putting up with mood strikes, relationship talks and guessing what they really want, men also must understand that women turn to chocolate as an ultimate fix-it. Giving your woman chocolate says:
(a) You love her
(b) You're aware that she loves chocolate
(c) You understand and accepts the fact that she loves chocolate
(d) You understand that chocolate is fattening, but you're OK with that because you know how much your woman loves chocolate (additional points for showing that you don't have a problem with fat women)
(e) You accept the inner child in her that caused her to love chocolate
(f) You respect her ability to overcame all of her problems with chocolate
(g) You show your support in helping her solve her problems
so, eventually:
(h) You love her.
With that many message in one gift, and the fact that men also like chocolate when they were young, the consumption of chocolate never stops.
I also understand that chocolate does a lot of things for your health. It releases serotonin that creates a relaxing pleasure, it's aphrodisiac, it has antioxidants that help protect blood vessels, promote cardiac health, and prevent cancer. It also has been effectively demonstrated to counteract mild hypertension, and no matter what your mother tell you, it does NOT cause acne. I'd expect the announcement that chocolate cures HIV any day now.
All in all, was there ever any doubt that our seemingly-independent lives are being controlled by this substance?
As minorities always suffer, people with chocolate-related diseases like me are left to smile uncomfortably when somebody gave them a box of pralines. Who are we to challenge the power of chocolate?
This has been a very late "Happy Valentine's Day for those who's celebrating" post.
P.S : This also has been perhaps the most enjoyable post-writing process I've ever had.
Wednesday
On what's happening on The World
I worry about the Afghanistan demonstration that's going on.
I especially worry because I'm not sure which stance to take, although I know I should have taken the obvious one.
We all heard about this...freedom of expression is limited only by other people's freedom (well, it's actually "rights" rather than "freedom", but anyway). Moslems strictly prohibit the drawing of Prophet Mohammad (PBUH), then sudddenly Denmark comes out with these caricatures of him and published them on European newspapers.
Here's what I worry about: the outrage caused by this is deadly insane.
All of a sudden, thousands of people are protesting and burning Danish Flags and demanding to kill ("hang", in their exact words) the guy who drew the thing. Danish government has called this a global crisis. Even President Bush has already acknowledged it, even though the demonstration in the US is not exactly significant, and is thinking of ways to support Denmark without seeming like he just wants to kill everyone who dare caused a riot. Or maybe without the last part.
But anyway. A contradiction is maybe a little inappropriate to point out here, but this was the first thoughtful question I came up with.
Islam, as we know it, is a highly preventive religion. The regulations are done to avoid things, to try and stop it before anything happened. It's not a religion to be easily understood, having that kind of views, because what everybody else seem to think is that it's illogically, insanely preventive.
I remember this Oprah show when a Christian was set to live with a Moslem family for a month. The first thing the Moslem husband did was prohibit the Christian to stay in the house alone with the Moslem wife. It is, as some of you might know, not allowed in Islam to have a man and a woman (each is not the other's muhrim - look it up if you need to) together in one room, because when two people do so, it's believed that Satan will be the third person. I remember what the Christian guy said, "I thought it was insane...then I thought of the condition in our society now, with young teenagers having sexual relationships, and then I understood (the Moslem's) point."
The case with the cartoon is similar. Moslems don't allow any drawing of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because "they fear that it could lead to idolatry" (as you will see repeatedly in any Yahoo! News). But now the drawing is here, and the incredible riots and the violence is here, but what I keep thinking is nobody is idolizing the caricatures.
So what does that mean?
The outcome that the Moslems were trying to prevent hasn't happened yet.
But it's a really, really, ridiculously stupid thing to do to try and fiddle with sensitive religious rules in such a public way, especially if you believe that the religion is the producer of many terrorists (I bolded the "if" to show that this isn't my opinion, but might be yours). It's stupid enough to try and fiddle with religious rules in the first place.
And now Denmark faces the consequences, with Moslems throughout the world protesting against them. They look and think, "Why are they that mad?". Honestly I agree with that question. Not because I don't understand how sensitive the issue is, but because I fear that this will bring more bad reputations to Moslems, especially since people are so perplexed by the anger that they're assuming there must be something else Moslems are angry about.
So what does this all mean?
P.S: I love the part where Iran is using the "freedom of expression" argument to make a drawing competition of the Holocaust images. Man, those people are good.
I especially worry because I'm not sure which stance to take, although I know I should have taken the obvious one.
We all heard about this...freedom of expression is limited only by other people's freedom (well, it's actually "rights" rather than "freedom", but anyway). Moslems strictly prohibit the drawing of Prophet Mohammad (PBUH), then sudddenly Denmark comes out with these caricatures of him and published them on European newspapers.
Here's what I worry about: the outrage caused by this is deadly insane.
All of a sudden, thousands of people are protesting and burning Danish Flags and demanding to kill ("hang", in their exact words) the guy who drew the thing. Danish government has called this a global crisis. Even President Bush has already acknowledged it, even though the demonstration in the US is not exactly significant, and is thinking of ways to support Denmark without seeming like he just wants to kill everyone who dare caused a riot. Or maybe without the last part.
But anyway. A contradiction is maybe a little inappropriate to point out here, but this was the first thoughtful question I came up with.
Islam, as we know it, is a highly preventive religion. The regulations are done to avoid things, to try and stop it before anything happened. It's not a religion to be easily understood, having that kind of views, because what everybody else seem to think is that it's illogically, insanely preventive.
I remember this Oprah show when a Christian was set to live with a Moslem family for a month. The first thing the Moslem husband did was prohibit the Christian to stay in the house alone with the Moslem wife. It is, as some of you might know, not allowed in Islam to have a man and a woman (each is not the other's muhrim - look it up if you need to) together in one room, because when two people do so, it's believed that Satan will be the third person. I remember what the Christian guy said, "I thought it was insane...then I thought of the condition in our society now, with young teenagers having sexual relationships, and then I understood (the Moslem's) point."
The case with the cartoon is similar. Moslems don't allow any drawing of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because "they fear that it could lead to idolatry" (as you will see repeatedly in any Yahoo! News). But now the drawing is here, and the incredible riots and the violence is here, but what I keep thinking is nobody is idolizing the caricatures.
So what does that mean?
The outcome that the Moslems were trying to prevent hasn't happened yet.
But it's a really, really, ridiculously stupid thing to do to try and fiddle with sensitive religious rules in such a public way, especially if you believe that the religion is the producer of many terrorists (I bolded the "if" to show that this isn't my opinion, but might be yours). It's stupid enough to try and fiddle with religious rules in the first place.
And now Denmark faces the consequences, with Moslems throughout the world protesting against them. They look and think, "Why are they that mad?". Honestly I agree with that question. Not because I don't understand how sensitive the issue is, but because I fear that this will bring more bad reputations to Moslems, especially since people are so perplexed by the anger that they're assuming there must be something else Moslems are angry about.
So what does this all mean?
P.S: I love the part where Iran is using the "freedom of expression" argument to make a drawing competition of the Holocaust images. Man, those people are good.
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