I'm Taking It Back to "Me" Again

I don't get compassion, at least not the way I see it being expressed. I don't know if what I see everyday is sincerity and kindness, or am I just looking at a reinterpreted version, but if that's the way people do it, then I am neither kind or sincere, let alone compassionate.

Too bad, though. I know I don't pass on as "nice", but I do care about other people. The problem is, my definition of "other people" is pretty much "people I find worth concerning about", like my friends/family/people in need of assistance.
Families and people in need are easy to define, but what's the boundary on friends? I'm not sure, just people I grew close to, really. That's a dynamic boundary, which I'm comfortable in, because the only reason I stay in a relationship is when we both make each other happy. If one of us lose the ability, thus eliminating the chemistry, it's over. Then again, if none of us ever lose it, then I'm either partially or fully enslaved by that person. And this is the kind of relationship I build with my friends, whether they realized it or not.

Well, okay. Enslaved might be too big of a word. We all do favors for our friends anyway. The reason I picked that word is because I've had some unfortunate choices of friends way back when, and these people would take advantage of me like you wouldn't imagine. Then again, now that I am (hopefully) blessed with better friends, I still sometimes feel like my friends take me for granted.

I have two reasons for this, and both eventually blame myself. First is my problem-solving nature. It goes like this: I see a troubled friend, I do what I can to help them. At the least, I give an array of solutions. This is my definition of compassion. It's a terrible thing to adopt, really, but what it does is keeping me in a pragmatic view of my peers. Consolation is an unknown term. If I fail to help solve the problem, I get frustrated myself - partly because the problem isn't solved, partly because my friend remains troubled. On general cases, though, I do a pretty good job in helping out people, and it's fair to assume that people do come to me to ask for favors. Which sometimes makes me wonder "Am I just here to find a solution?"

The second reason is my understanding of the word "favor", or lack thereof. Meaning: I'm not good in weighing appropriate favors to do for / ask from my friends. Sometimes I do too much, sometimes I expect too much. Simply put, sometimes I get upset because I am a slave of people, other times I get upset because people don't reciprocate. I just don't know to what extent can you play this relationship game, and as a result, I often lose.

I'm wondering, as I'm always wondering, whether the people I love really love me back, or am I just an object of manipulation. This leads to that big question "Why do you have to love and expect something back?"

Because being ignored is not better than being hated. Especially when it's someone you love.

On Starting Over

So I was at a mall the other day (alone of course), and there was this new gorgeous jewelry stall. Looking at the owner, however, I assumed this was an expensive stall.

Now first of all, I hate it when people don’t put price tags on their products. It’s hard to believe that there aren’t more important things a store owner can do rather than calling out prices (redundantly, I might add) every time a customer is nearby. What makes this even more ridiculous is how this usually happens in an expensive place. So when a customer ask for the price of an item, it’s usually some really high price that most customers probably can’t afford anyway, and now the poor soul who asked for the price in the first place had to find a way to back off without seeming like they can’t afford the item. Of course this is especially hard because the store owner would’ve assumed that the customer was already interested in the item, since the customer had the guts to ask for the price, and would start thinking up ways to persuade the customer. So now you have an overly excited seller and a nervous buyer. At this stage, whether the customer buys the product or not, someone’s still going to leave feeling slightly betrayed. So why not avoid all the hurting and let the price tags do their job?

I’m starting to lose focus here. So anyway I was at this stall, and I was looking at this necklace that has no price tag (obviously you would’ve guessed that, why else would I be ranting on about it?). The stall’s owner was busy manhandling a customer, a woman with heavy makeup and excessive use of hairspray. First clue this was an expensive stall. I recognize who the owner is right away because he was talking excitedly about the product (very rare to see a mere store keeper do that), and he was giving away name cards with a website address on it. Second clue this was an expensive stall.

I knew the necklace I had my eye on was going to be outrageously expensive, and if I asked, I was going to have to think of a way to graciously walk away, but I was still curious anyway. Plus the woman with heavy makeup was gone and the owner was approaching me. So I decided to try something.

I asked for the price in English.
And as I don’t live in an English-speaking country, this immediately startled the owner, causing him to stutter a bit before coming up with a coherent, and English, answer. The price was indeed out of my league, so I replied with long complex sentences, which startled the owner even more. At the silence moment of him figuring out what to do next, I escaped.

Bottom line, I love those moments when you pretend to be someone else and people believe it.

Now I’ve actually done this many times before. Sometimes I pretend to be a native English speaker in places where you don’t normally speak English, so I’ll stand out and get special treatment, or I pretend to be a native English speaker in places where everybody else speak English, so I’ll blend in and not get “special” treatment. And it’s not limited in language too. Once I told a guy at this salon that I was married, and the whole time he did my hair we talked about marriage life. My biggest lie was when I told my students that I was 23 years old (when I was really 19), and for the next one year, every time I walked into that class I was a 23-year-old teacher, minutes away from my bachelor degree, with a 2-year teaching experience (when I was really a 19-year-old freshman, and this class was the second class I ever taught).

I love doing this because in a different personality, everything you normally do would seem different. Just like the case of the necklace at the stall.

Before I go any further, I’ve had some complaints saying that I acted too much and people don’t know who the real me is. This is weird because I don’t even think this is something you can complain about. Why can’t it be that the real “me” is someone who likes to play someone else? Yes, I know that this may just be a phase of identity searching and ultimately I may have to settle being just one person for the rest of my life. I know that this may also be a form of denial, where I don’t want to accept who I really am, and I’m showing signs of immaturity, as in “unnecessarily trying out weird stuff”. I understand that all these complaints are logical, and I also understand that until I find someone who can accept my “condition”, it’s going to be very hard for me to be in a relationship. Why am I suddenly talking about relationship, you ask? Because I got some of these complaints from my ex.

Anyway. Change mood back to “excited”.

The biggest fun of pretending to be someone else is watching people then form their opinion about you. I find it really funny that when you go to your class wearing tomboy clothes for one day and ultra-feminine the next, people will get confused and ask me what my style really is. I don’t understand why it confuses people that I try out different things!

All this came to mind when I was going to this conference a week ago. Conferences are particularly fun because that’s the best place to try out being a different person. Nobody knows who you are, but everybody’s eager to get to know you. Perfect.
Strangely, I didn’t have to do much to confuse people at this conference. After 24 hours a guy actually came up to me and said, “You know, at first glance I thought you were a Filipino or Malaysian (which I’m not), but then you started talking about this exotic food (which happened to come from my country), and now you’re sitting at a table that says ‘Poland’(which I did because I was accompanying my Polish friend)! So where are you from, really?”
Now I’ve never met this guy in my life, and this question shocked me for two reasons: a) I didn’t realize I was creating such a varied state of persona, which confused people, and b) I didn’t realize there are people who care so much to be confused in the first place! Apparently, there's such a big expectation of you being one person only, that when you're not, complete strangers will notice.

So you see, all of this equals fun.

Let’s take it to another level. Every time I switched to a new school, I have the chance to be a completely new person, and if I succeed, everybody in the new school will automatically assume that this is the way I’ve always been. This last bit can be quite annoying. I’m a believer that the way you evolve over the years will add depth to your personality, so if I’m assumed to have always stayed the same, it felt like I’m assumed as a shallow person. During elementary years my family’s financial condition was not excellent, and it showed, and even though it’s much better now, people I know from elementary still looked at me with a certain state in mind. I find it equally annoying that in my university, some people assumed I had always been well off since I was little, which is not only totally untrue but also made me look like I can’t live below the standard in which I’m living now.
Annoying as it is, at this point you can still have fun by doing things people wouldn’t expect “you” (the way they know you) would do...like talking knowledgeably about Dominatrix videos if you always dress conservatively. Realize that you’re most likely to have all these contradicting elements inside you. Don’t suppress the minor elements, celebrate each one of them. Show your evil / angel side periodically. When you’re good at it, show it simultaneously. Watch your friends go, “Wow, I didn’t know you’re that kind of person”.

Honey, I’m always the kind of person you didn’t expect me to be.

Here's The Thing, Lady.

I recognize that reaction. You got that same look in your eyes as I do when I’m looking at you and him.
The truth is, a lot of people can tell you beautiful stories. You get to decide if it’s really that beautiful to hear.
Haven’t you realized this a long time ago? You can’t have it perfectly both ways. If you decided to enjoy what you have just like you’re doing right now, then you’ll never going to be that woman on top of the mountains who intimidates the hell out of everyone! And you don’t need to be that kind of woman anyway, who says life up there is better?

Why must you be jealous of people who strive for more when you’re already satisfied with your life now? They’re different from you. People who strive for more will never be satisfied with their lives now. How do you think they got their name in the first place?

I will always wish I have what you two have. That’s a fact, and that’s always a fact no matter what kind of person I turn into. I look at you and think, My God, why would you wish for anything else? You’ve got everything you’re ever going to need for the rest of your life right next to you.
And I know that sometimes you don’t think that’s enough. Sometimes, when you see people like, well, me, you’re reminded that there’s more to life to strive for than what that person next to you can give. Then you feel a little down for choosing such a....conformist way to live. Finally, after we parted ways, you left with a slight pout.
That was the end. A slight pout. Before you were looking around with a sincere smile that came from that warmth in your heart. Now you look around with a slight pout.

Wake up, honey. There’s always going to be people who do that.

Don’t let them get to you. I know you’re happy, I know you’re making someone else happy every single day. And I know that when you look at him, you’re happy. That’s something I’m still desperately yearning for, fully aware that right now I have an infinitely small probability to reach that. But as much as I want it, I know there are things I have to do in order to make my life (not necessarily yours) happier. And if doing those things means less chance for me to look for what you two have, then I’ll have to accept it and keep going, because that’s the kind of person I was born to be. Always wanting bigger things.

You realize that most people who want to fly do so because they don’t have a strong ground to stand on.
But you’re not one of them.

Allow me to raise my glass.

For the best week in my life.

Sorry, that's not quite true.

For the first week in my life, as it may had well been the first week of me feeling completely alive.

I don't want to go home!

Three prepared analysis and I posted this.

I've been imparting wisdom for the last 3 days.

Well, technically I've been doing that since a long time ago, but these 3 days it just had been quite intense.

So what does it feel like having people looking at you attentively, devouring your inputs, nodding and making notes (and even inquire some) as you speak?
It's fun.

I used to think that the bravest 2 words ever said are "Any questions?". It's an invitation for (normally) a bunch of people who've been listening to your words to dig deeper, re-analyze, find out more, and simply asking any inquiries they might have. Whatever it may be, ask away. Really. Really. Anything that comes up from that complex human brain, I should be able to give some insights. You might have read a whole book about it, you might be just testing, you might be really stupid or you might want to see if I'm really stupid, I challenge you. Give me a question.

Everytime I watch other people end a speech by saying "Any questions?" I panicked for them. My God, who knows if a genius had been listening and is prepared to give, simply put, the ultimate question that you don't know the answer to? You've just given a complete speech that supposedly shows how great you are! But you've worked so hard! If you can't answer a question here, your image will be ruined and your speech shall be useless!
How can you just ask them to ask anything they want?

But, I got through it.
I started realizing that I've been exposed to that kind of humiliation during my 3 years of teaching. Apparently, I think, the phrase "Any questions?" is sort of a reflex - you simply say it after you're satisfied with your speech. And yes, there had been times when I can't answer people (and I pray everyday to leave those times behind me), and that look on their face were terrible. But I survived.

The last three days (and the last year) I've been blessed with the absence of those moments and those expressions. I learned to always, always really know what you're talking about (which might explain why I'm generally quiet on small chats but an extrovert otherwise), and I learned to show the confidence of always, always really knowing what you're talking about.

And I learned that the looks of people when they learned something from what you said is rewarding enough to went through all of the above. There's hardly a better satisfaction than receiving gratitudes for helping improve other people.

This was why I wanted to become a teacher.

Sadly (well I had to reach a sad point somewhere, did you not see the aura of this blog?), the satisfaction of imparting knowledge is barely a competition to the sorrow of realizing that all your friends are off busy doing their own things, and now you're left behind. Then you started thinking if the process of building intelligence for other people had ironically made you too stupid for keeping up with your peers.

And now the days of imparting wisdom are interfered with moments of stillness,
and followed with nights of silence.

On Mushy Things

Falling in love must be the greatest feeling there is. It just has to be. You realize it's the only phrase that describes a feeling as a noun? We have "getting mad", "being sad", "being satisfied"...even the opposite itself, "hate", is still an adjective. You say stuff like "I'm really scared" or "Is she disappointed?", but when it's love, it's "He's really in love with her". In. As if this particular feeling is not something you experience mentally, but literally got inside of.

I may be wrong on the linguistic analysis, but few would deny the first sentence.

I miss being in love. I mean, I know I throw myself to all kinds of feelings to the extreme, drama queen and all, but isn't the purpose of love to eat you alive? It's supposed to disallow your brain to be occupied by anything else in this world, because love is something you should experience a hundred percent, with nothing else coming close. Otherwise how'd you remember it well? Love should be the only feeling you remember when you look back in life.

I've fallen for some great guys before, and there were different reasons for every person. There was one for his smile (I know it doesn't sound like a reason to fall in love, but you should see his smile. I was obsessed for 2,5 years with that smile). One for his unique personality, very conventional but at the same time always on the curious side of things he's not "supposed" to know. One for his hysterical sense of humour. One for simply being one of the best friends I've ever had. And one for his passion. If I had learned anything from all this, it's this : there's no such thing as an "ideal type", personality-wise that is. What we usually hear, "Kind", "understanding", "caring", etc is people's default type. Normally your efforts are focused in trying to find one like that, but don't be surprised when you're eventually drawn to the exact opposite.

My goodness, there's just nothing like it, isn't there? Showing up wherever they show up, eagerly waiting for your dose of pleasure in seeing them again. Even when they don't notice you, knowing that any minute now they can come up to you is enough.
Even when they're not talking to you, watching their expressions is enough.
Even when they're standing next to you, feeling their presence is enough.
And with this, every night you dream of seeing them again the next day.
And of course,
even when they're not mad at you, nor sad because you, doing everything you can to make them happy again is never enough.
even when they didn't smile at you when you passed, weeks of "what did I do?" self-scrutinize is never enough.
even when they're just saying "hi" to someone else, jealousy and venting at the worst level is never enough.

How you feel every day will be fully determined by the behavior of the person you fall in love with that day. And that's a lot of power given out to somebody who may not even think of you as more than an acquaintance.

I wrote this a few years ago. It was in this story which I still think is the only one worth continuing. It wasn't written in English, but a rough translation would be something like this:

"..I decided something genuine (love) would be a great experience for me. So I allowed the feeling to stay. But unfortunately, it didn't just stay, it ran and dragged me up and down in a pace only Olympic athletes can compete. I never thought something so mushy can be so strong!"

I know it's beyond self-centered to quote yourself in your own blog, but I thought that said it pretty well, don't you?

Stay There.

Don't lose it just yet.
Only a week to go. You can do this.
Everything you've been working on all this time is about to change you. Those 2 months of solitude, arrogance, and self-scrutinize...it's about to end. It's really going to end.
It's not like you've had hell though. It was an amusing 2 months, I dare say, with a lot of luck taking charge and a bit of companionship.
But now, as it's about to end, prepare to get your life back. Your normal, peaceful, geeky life like the one you used to have. Where you only need to worry about how to prepare for exams.
And all will be well. All mistakes you've made, assignments you've left, groups you've abandoned, health treatments you've missed (dentist? What's that?), family ties you've broken, friendships you've ruined (and shred to pieces, hello people-who-no-longer-talk-to-me, yes I missed you), everything will still (hopefully) be waiting to be repaired. You get to fix them all!

In just one week.

And after that, you can have all the things you so dearly missed...and if everything were really as good as you remembered, they'll all still be there for you. And I believe they are, and with a little bit of work, you can make them last for a long time.

Of course if you can't, try to make them last at least until May 6th, where you'll be leaving them again...

Ah my dear friends. You've no idea how I miss having a full interaction with you.