Thanks A Lot, God.

Shouldn't man feel really, really blessed that they continue to exist despite the fact that most of them have no idea why they existed in the first place? Whatever it is that created our existence must either have an undeniable faith that humanity will eventually understand their purpose or simply has a lot of fun watching us struggle with it.

It's those overbearing moments when you're sitting somewhere quiet, minds wandering off, when you started asking yourself, "Why am I here?"

Last time I had that moment, I was sitting on the side of the street in Ho Chi Minh, waiting for a ticket box to open. As I was drinking the questionable bottled water that I bought from some guy off the streets, I wondered how in friggin' hell did I get here, and what the heck am I here for?
Of course at the time, that last question was pretty easy: I was there to visit the museum.

I doubt that one can really understand why they exist. Furthermore, I doubt that one can really understand why they're set to exist in a particular place. Why was I born here? How did I end up being in a completely different place? Why do I have a certain kind of family, and a certain set of friends? Why did I meet the people I meet?

When I was about 14, I had concluded that my purpose in life was to be quantified by how much I impacted people around me. This was a great source of distress, because I really didn't matter to people around me. I contributed bits and pieces to my social circle, but in the long run, it would not have mattered whether I existed or not. So eventually I gave up and decided that my purpose in life was to sit in the corner and watch carefully as other people's life unfolds. At the very least, it's good entertainment. It was a revelation that I was forced to be content with.

Now, after 8 years, after being exposed to numerous personal developments and a small group of inspirational muses...I still find it hard to argue with my 14-year-old self. It's ridiculous. Here I am, with a completely new life attitude, a good set of logic, and I thought this would surely bring a new perspective of why I'm here. It just can't be that pathetic. And yet, over and over again, life has shown me that I am created here, in this world, in this situation, in this circle, to sit in the corner and watch. I wanted to argue with this fact, a lot, but this fact just kept on proving itself logically true. And again, it's a revelation that I am forced to be content with.
Source of distress? You bet. Would I change it? Yes.

But now that I seemingly understood why I exist, the next question would be : can I really change what I'm here for?

This. Is. Information Technology.

I began watching American Idol on the start of Season 3. Just for the record, I do not consider myself an AI fanatic. I like watching the show, I enjoy cooing over great performers and read some Idol blogs / fan forums like everybody else. I do not, (a) pray to whomever’s in control for my favorite to win, or (b) get involved in bashing terrible contestants and hope they rot in hell for beating my favorite.

Having that said, I sort of made an effort to watch every Finale Result show.

I’m not always that lucky though. In Season 3, I did watch Fantasia won, only like a month after the original show aired. By Season 4, my cable station was able to afford live airings, which was great. I did miss the Result though, because I had back-to-back classes at the time. All day long I avoided the internet (easier said than done, given my major) and whenever someone came up to me looking excited, I’d yell, “Don’t tell me!!”

I watched the rerun later in the day, saw Carrie won, agreed that it seemed a bit pageanty, then got on with life.

By a staggeringly lucky chance, the Result of Season 5 fell on a holiday. I had the opportunity of watching the actual live Result show for the first time. I watched and celebrated (timely) as Taylor Hicks won, and immediately started downloading Elliott Yamin videos.

To be perfectly frank, I don’t remember what exactly happened on Season 6. I remembered watching Jordin won, but I think I missed the rest of the performances (which is a shame, I really like some of the Season 6 finalists). Aside from Sanjaya’s totally awesome performance, I really don’t remember much about it.

Season 7 is definitely one of the trickiest to follow. I was already working full time, and for the first time ever, my working hours are nonnegotiable.

Now.

I continuously thank my lucky stars that I studied SciComp. Granted, I may not have came out as an academically-acknowledged graduate (that’s putting it lightly) or a prospective IT professional. I did, however, learned what I’m now convinced is the single most contributive lesson in my life: There’s always another way.

I’m quite certain that I would not have learned this mentality had I not been exposed to something as wonderfully designed as IT. There really is no better proof of how there’s no such thing as a dead end (there is, however, such thing as a deadlock, and understanding the difference brought so much perspective into my life. Seriously.). No matter what problems you have, an array of alternative solutions always exists, and trying them out one by one, even if it ends on a stall, will magically provide you a rigorous learning process you’re not likely to forget (“Why can’t I call that method? I called something similar in ASM, maybe that’ll work here..”). Even if an effective solution does not exist, you can go ahead and make one. In the simplest way possible, you make technology cater your needs.

And another amazing thing about IT is the fact that once you've learned the underlying concept (which should’ve turned your brain inside out in the first place) you find that the concept is applicable everywhere. For me, that concept was how every problem has a solution, and the process of looking for a solution should be enjoyable. True, you’d normally be up all night, stare patiently at the screen, nourish yourself with any dried empty calories available, got immensely frustrated at 11 PM only to get your second wind by midnight, bang your head / fist against the wall and occasionally talk very nicely to your computer to stop torturing you, but all this should be enjoyable. And an accumulation of those nights may have reduced my sanity, my overall sleeping hours or my lifespan, but it was worth it.

Ward Cunningham (the inventor of Wikipedia) once said: “A problem is something you savor. You say, "Well that's an interesting problem. Let me think about that problem a while." You enjoy thinking about it, because when you find the solution to the problem, it's enlightening.” Bearing that in mind, solving problems became a fun activity and asking questions (even if you don’t know the answer) turned into a mentally enriching experience instead of a waste of time. Eventually, finding a solution becomes something that naturally occurs instead of occasional moments of luck.

And that’s how I ended up watching David Cook won and enjoyed the moment exactly as it happened, even as I was sitting in a conference with 60 people, no TV in sight, in an office building 14458 kilometers away from Los Angeles. Four years ago nobody would’ve thought that a rock star like Cook would’ve won American Idol. Succeeding against all boundaries is the best victory of all, and even if my epiphany was a lot less dramatic than his, I understood what it’s like to beat the odds.

Because It's Too Late at Night to be Writing Something Long.

I'm such at a mellow point right now, it's not even funny.

Well, if you're feeling mellow, nothing seems funny anymore, really. There's just things swirling in your head about how far you've gone, what are you aiming for and, most importantly, why aren't you getting there?
This is a bunch of contradictions put into one. I'm so depressed thinking about my life, at the same time any small gesture can turn my mood completely. Last night a guy gave me a hug to make me feel better, and I'm still blushing now, which is so sad. True, he brilliantly identified that I seriously needed one and was willing to give it, but it wasn't even a bear hug, it was like a "friend leaving for a month" hug. Ironically, this is someone whom I used to do a LOT more than a hug with...my point is, small things seem to matter when you're focusing on the big things.

What is this? Why am I spending every vacant moment dreaming about things that shall never be? Why am I lying in bed imagining what it would be like to be so happy, you'd be giving yourself chills? Why am I listening to any available sappy songs out there, even going back to classic romances (i.e. Westlife)? Why am I looking at my phone and wondering why it's not giving me anything?

What is wrong with me?

How do you savor something that's already gone?

There are several things you just enjoy in life, things that made you stick through the less enjoyable part.
Like a good macchiato when you're alone at work at 9 PM.
Or a cute guy sitting at the cafe you normally visit to think about your disastrous relationship.
Or Kanye West's "Stronger" blaring through the CD store as you passed through while on the phone scheduling a meeting.
Or a charming blog that never fails to inspire, even when you feel like a complete moron.

And just like the feeling of noticing the blog's title on the taskbar, cramped between a PowerPoint file, a Word document and a "To Do Today" note, it's extremely comforting to know that you can always resort to several pick-me-ups.
That's why it sucks like hell to have one of them yanked away from you. Sure, it was a hell of a memory, pleasantries and hopeful thoughts were present, I even managed to end it with a bang, but it still really really sucks.
I'm depressed. I know I'll be fine in a day or two, but right now I'm sad and I know there's nothing I can do to stop being sad. It'll pass. I just need to reminisce.
I just got caught in the moment.
I just have to let it out.
I just wish it didn't have to end.

For all my blessings

All my life I’ve been completely insecure with myself. I was sure that I was the ugliest, stupidest, loneliest little girl. I simply don’t know how to feel good about myself, and everything good calls for validations. Grades (even though they don’t mean anything). Friends (even though they just pretend to be). Achievements (even though they came with a price).

Somehow, I changed. Internally I became so self-sufficient that any forms of bad judgments on me are not only ignorable, they’re wrong. I can prove them wrong, and I can make them regret that wrongdoing. I’m now so strong that the outside world can’t hurt me anymore.

Now I don’t know what made me change. I also don’t know whether this change represents me going forward or backward, but what I do know, I now have something I didn’t have before.

My muses.

Several people whose worlds coincide mine, some in the most random way imaginable. Most of them I wasn’t too impressed with during first encounters. It usually takes several weeks, months, maybe half a year, before I started noticing these beautiful souls. And once that came out, there was no way I could resist being charmed.

How could I not be charmed? These souls, they’re all so open. So serene and sure of their own selves, they do more than believing or rejecting outside world – they affect their world. They have the ability to accept with so much sincerity, and give back with so much passion. They make “strong people” like me wonder why we’re so proud of being strong after all. I’m so proud of being able to resist negativity that it became a significant part of who I am, and yet for these people, negativity do not even exist.

People in this group aren’t necessarily fascinating. Throughout the years I’ve seen all of them being insensitive, tactless, rude, or simply stupid. They’re not the most popular people you’ll see, nor the smartest, nor the most attractive. These people are average, sometimes even below, but this just made me more fascinated – how could I be so deeply enchanted by them, and yet still very much aware of their shortcomings? What is this non-judgmental pure affection bestowed upon them?

That’s when I realized I must have fallen in love with every one of them.

When you spent half your life being so exposed to negativity, and the other half building a wall of defense, you pretty much don’t know what it means to love someone. You can’t even make you like yourself. So when I meet people who magically produce that exhilaration, that pure feeling I never knew I had, the one I had tried to prevent from happening in the first place, it puts me in awe. So much that I don’t want to let go. I want to keep myself exposed to that feeling; I want to keep hanging on to their every move, to watch that magic happen again and again. I want to know if my humble self can rise to their world, I want to be able to show affection so purely too. I want other people to know that I truly love my muses.

And so I’ve come to this blatant, nearly-disturbing point of obsession over them. My face lights up whenever I see them. I made a conscious effort to always be near them. I get jealous over them. Even when they’re not around, I love talking about them. Before this post I wasn’t sure what to call this group of people – then I realized how much they inspire me. Everything I do, write, and say is affected by them. They shape my opinions, contribute to my ideas, defined my spirit, without even realizing it. I had to give them credit. Every time someone gives me a compliment, I can point out a certain person who helped attract that compliment, and 97% of the time these people are those I consider my muses.

But the thing is, I don’t tell them all this. Yeah, I say how much I like them, but I hardly ever explained why. Reason: I don’t want to scare them away. Doesn’t matter how much their personality fascinates me; for them it’s simply the way of living. Living purely is a natural way, and they never intend to affect or fascinate anyone. Having someone looking up at you isn’t necessarily a good thing, because there’s that bond, that expectation to live up to people’s standard. The things with these souls, they’re too free – they disregard expectations (social and personal) because that’s what ties most people down.

So no, I don’t tell them why I like them so much.

I’m forced to interact normally with them, act as if we’re equal human beings, at times even mocking them – because I don’t want them to know how dependent I am on them. Frustrating, and there are times when I can’t help it and blurted something out. It’s all very much pathetic, extreme and incomprehensive.

Now tell me if that’s not love.

A couple of years ago I probably couldn’t even think about love. Now I find myself giving out a disturbingly large amount of love, and being proud of it.

Now tell me if that’s not a blessing.

What to do

1. Realize that he's not doing any of this intentionally to hurt you. I know you think you know that already, but keep that in mind whenever you felt like getting slapped in the face and you wanted to be mad at him. Realize that it's you slapping yourself, and that's your problem, not his.

2. Realize that he's not good in handling a lot of issues at the same time. So if you really want to be a good friend, lay off the selfish talks when you know he's busy. And you know he's busy. It's just not the right time to make amends. He's making amends with other people now, people more important to him than you. If you want to be selfish, the least you can do is to acknowledge the facts.

3. When sudden pain attacks, get busy. You've done this therapy before and it seemed to work. Keep a book in sight to keep you distracted, or be as engaged in anything else as you can. Bear in mind that during that one painful weekend, you came out feeling gorgeous and a lot smarter. Only next time, don't break down again the minute you saw them.

4. Remember that you always knew this was going to end, and now's the time...you already knew that even though you talked to him, things may not be fixed. And I'm not even saying this can't be fixed forever.

5. Be realistic. And that includes being realistic about the previous 4 things. All of them are logically true, but keep in mind you actually knew some of those truth are made up. You don't know which ones, but you know some of them came from the heart, not the brain. So don't beat yourself up if some of them sounds stupid.

6. Try not to let no.5 stop you from doing the right thing.

Midnight.

I bet you'd never guess,

But this is the second time I cried over you this time of day.

Isn't that strange? You'd think I have better things to do at 1 AM rather than fussing over some outrageously-blown-out-of-proportion issue. Sleep, for instance. Or smoke my brains out (too bad I don't smoke). Or get hammered (too bad I don't do that either). Or get laid (nope, never done that). Or do weird stuff, get to work, surf the web, anything, ANYTHING that might be contributive to the mind and/or soul! Just never think gloomy thoughts in the middle of the night. That's the loneliest time of day.

The thing is, I don't know if it's the situation, or is it just because of the time, or maybe because I'm always insecure...but this is one of those moments where I just sat down not knowing what to do.

I don't know what to do about you.

I'm tired of bringing myself to face this over and over again. I want it to end.
I want my head to stop telling me to compare and expect. Two of the things I do way too much.

And then I began to think,
maybe this is all just a big mistake. Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten too acquaintanced with you. Maybe I should've just keep a distance, just like I do to most people, right after the fun part ends. Maybe I should have not allowed it to develop, taking it to another level, all that crap. Maybe I should've just forget about the whole thing, instead of trying to improve the relationship.
Most importantly, maybe I shouldn't have told you how I feel. I mean, I don't do that to most people I'm close with anyway. I don't know what I was thinking that time, telling you all that stuff. I mean, yeah, sure you'll be flattered, and I'm sure at the moment you felt pretty good about the whole thing.
But that's just the thing : I don't know exactly what you think about all this. I'm sure it's nice to have someone declaring their affection to you, but what if you don't feel the same way? What if you don't feel anything at all, except that you're supposed to be nice to this person who'd been so open to you?
What if you don't need someone like me to be so open to you?
What if you already have people close to your heart, and I don't fit into their quality?
Can I really be upset over that?

And you know the worst part is, I may be bawling like crazy now, but it'll all just came out here. Tomorrow I'm going to see you with a smile on my face, exchange a few greetings, then pretend to get busy because I don't want to bother you who's actually really busy. Or maybe I'm just scared you're not really busy, but you just lost interest in talking to me.

And you will never guess.