On Mushy Things

Falling in love must be the greatest feeling there is. It just has to be. You realize it's the only phrase that describes a feeling as a noun? We have "getting mad", "being sad", "being satisfied"...even the opposite itself, "hate", is still an adjective. You say stuff like "I'm really scared" or "Is she disappointed?", but when it's love, it's "He's really in love with her". In. As if this particular feeling is not something you experience mentally, but literally got inside of.

I may be wrong on the linguistic analysis, but few would deny the first sentence.

I miss being in love. I mean, I know I throw myself to all kinds of feelings to the extreme, drama queen and all, but isn't the purpose of love to eat you alive? It's supposed to disallow your brain to be occupied by anything else in this world, because love is something you should experience a hundred percent, with nothing else coming close. Otherwise how'd you remember it well? Love should be the only feeling you remember when you look back in life.

I've fallen for some great guys before, and there were different reasons for every person. There was one for his smile (I know it doesn't sound like a reason to fall in love, but you should see his smile. I was obsessed for 2,5 years with that smile). One for his unique personality, very conventional but at the same time always on the curious side of things he's not "supposed" to know. One for his hysterical sense of humour. One for simply being one of the best friends I've ever had. And one for his passion. If I had learned anything from all this, it's this : there's no such thing as an "ideal type", personality-wise that is. What we usually hear, "Kind", "understanding", "caring", etc is people's default type. Normally your efforts are focused in trying to find one like that, but don't be surprised when you're eventually drawn to the exact opposite.

My goodness, there's just nothing like it, isn't there? Showing up wherever they show up, eagerly waiting for your dose of pleasure in seeing them again. Even when they don't notice you, knowing that any minute now they can come up to you is enough.
Even when they're not talking to you, watching their expressions is enough.
Even when they're standing next to you, feeling their presence is enough.
And with this, every night you dream of seeing them again the next day.
And of course,
even when they're not mad at you, nor sad because you, doing everything you can to make them happy again is never enough.
even when they didn't smile at you when you passed, weeks of "what did I do?" self-scrutinize is never enough.
even when they're just saying "hi" to someone else, jealousy and venting at the worst level is never enough.

How you feel every day will be fully determined by the behavior of the person you fall in love with that day. And that's a lot of power given out to somebody who may not even think of you as more than an acquaintance.

I wrote this a few years ago. It was in this story which I still think is the only one worth continuing. It wasn't written in English, but a rough translation would be something like this:

"..I decided something genuine (love) would be a great experience for me. So I allowed the feeling to stay. But unfortunately, it didn't just stay, it ran and dragged me up and down in a pace only Olympic athletes can compete. I never thought something so mushy can be so strong!"

I know it's beyond self-centered to quote yourself in your own blog, but I thought that said it pretty well, don't you?