I was cleaning up my inbox just now (an equivalent to tidying your attic - I proudly say that representing not just geeks, but the whole modern world. Admit.), and around the third page I found the email announcing I've been accepted to take part in ESWiL, which is a youth conference held in Poland.
I hesitated. That seems like so long ago.
I should've known it was coming, since I've erased the emails following that one, about the visa, the travel grant, the unbelievable venting in lack of professionalism...all the headache I had to put up with for something I didn't even go to.
I remembered when I got that email. I've been waiting for it for what seems like forever, performing my tough-senior-on-newbies-orientation duty in agony. I almost gave hope, since I haven't heard from them for so long. Then that day, I just finished a meeting, I decided to stick around in campus and check my mail.
The subject "ESWiL-You have been accepted" was pretty self-explanatory - I managed not to scream as the lab was very, very quiet, but several seconds passed in cloud nine. It was unreal.
Once I got to the ground again, I looked for the nearest person I know and eagerly told him. The second thing I did was post an ecstatic message in my local online forum. (Yes, I'm THAT geeky)
I didn't regret not going to Poland. It was my decision, which is different from the one-year-program case back in high school (which I still suffer random remorse attacks about). But the similarities made it kind of difficult to accept. I had two chances of going out there and see what the world offers, and I turned both down. Is that being considerate or stupid? Was it really about being realistic (the organizers are impossible) or was it about taking chances?
Some says I'll get another chance. Will I really, and if I do, how will I know I won't turn it down again?
A good thing came up, though: I realized the chances I get are getting better. First it was an AFS-like program where I have to pay pretty much everything. Then it was the Poland conference that will feed and facilitated me FULLY for TWO WEEKS with 25 Euro. That's astonishingly cheap, even my dad had doubts in my rejection since it was so cheap.
I'm trying to find a scholarship in Australia now. I treated it the way I treated my wishes that have come true before, and I expect success out of it. But I don't know what will happen.
Who knows, maybe in the third, fourth, maybe fifth chance, I'll get one where it fits me perfectly, and I'll finally be able to make my lifelong dream come true?
Who knows?
Sunday
Monday
Refresh.
Aahhh.
Most people I know would think that the title refers to what you do when you press Alt + F5.
But what I actually meant was what happened to me that weekend.
I felt refreshed.
I didn't expect to feel that way while watching Susan Sarandon in her lingerie kissing a woman, but that was what happened. Let me start over.
A few weeks ago there was this film festival in my town, one that shows gay movies. Not surprisingly, I went with the two most appropriate men to go with: a gay guy and the sexual object of my affection.
The moment I walked in that place, I knew I was in for something I've never encountered before. And by that time, it was EXACTLY what I needed. Something new and fresh.
There were only two women in that room including myself, and I looked around enjoying the rare feast for my eyes. Men exchanging moist little smacks. Men in pairs. Foreign men. The ambience was set for a clubbing night, with beers and lights everywhere, and yet there was this silence and darkness like you would expect in a cinema. The place had this whole mysterious impression, like you're going to get sucked inside and never get out. Even the bathroom, the darkest most exotic bathroom I've ever been in, makes you feel like you're in a whole other world.
Then the movie starts.
That, my friends, slapped me with the fact that some people would just make pointless movies and any eager upcoming Hollywood actress would gladly take part.
I would've said this was the most pointless movie I've ever seen, except that I've seen worse ones (I really should stop watching independent French movies).
Nevertheless, I was witnessing something I never thought existed. Not just the movie, but the whole ambience, like I said before, was something very new to me. I felt like I was washed out and turned into a whole different person.
So then this whole different person and her friends went out to eat. We were talking, particularly about the subject relevant to the movie we just saw. Then another shock came.
The sexual object of my affection (I really enjoyed calling him that), the guy who can turn me on just by showing up, told me that he had had experience dating guys before.
I was beyond shocked. I was so used to my other favorite sexual object being such a homophob, I automatically thought all unbelievably hot guys are like that. But here was the ultimate alpha male, happily blurting out the opposite.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because", he said, "you wouldn't know which fits the best if you haven't tried both, now would you?"
And I couldn't help thinking, hmmm. He had a point.
Now while I was busy thinking about that point, out came the question:
"So why aren't you a lesbian?"
It took me some time to think before I answered it, and thankfully he was satisfied with the answer. But the answer would generate a whole other post, because this one's already long enough. I'll write that down later.
Anyway, giving him a satisfactory answer was something I rarely accomplish, and for that I felt even more refreshed.
Most people I know would think that the title refers to what you do when you press Alt + F5.
But what I actually meant was what happened to me that weekend.
I felt refreshed.
I didn't expect to feel that way while watching Susan Sarandon in her lingerie kissing a woman, but that was what happened. Let me start over.
A few weeks ago there was this film festival in my town, one that shows gay movies. Not surprisingly, I went with the two most appropriate men to go with: a gay guy and the sexual object of my affection.
The moment I walked in that place, I knew I was in for something I've never encountered before. And by that time, it was EXACTLY what I needed. Something new and fresh.
There were only two women in that room including myself, and I looked around enjoying the rare feast for my eyes. Men exchanging moist little smacks. Men in pairs. Foreign men. The ambience was set for a clubbing night, with beers and lights everywhere, and yet there was this silence and darkness like you would expect in a cinema. The place had this whole mysterious impression, like you're going to get sucked inside and never get out. Even the bathroom, the darkest most exotic bathroom I've ever been in, makes you feel like you're in a whole other world.
Then the movie starts.
That, my friends, slapped me with the fact that some people would just make pointless movies and any eager upcoming Hollywood actress would gladly take part.
I would've said this was the most pointless movie I've ever seen, except that I've seen worse ones (I really should stop watching independent French movies).
Nevertheless, I was witnessing something I never thought existed. Not just the movie, but the whole ambience, like I said before, was something very new to me. I felt like I was washed out and turned into a whole different person.
So then this whole different person and her friends went out to eat. We were talking, particularly about the subject relevant to the movie we just saw. Then another shock came.
The sexual object of my affection (I really enjoyed calling him that), the guy who can turn me on just by showing up, told me that he had had experience dating guys before.
I was beyond shocked. I was so used to my other favorite sexual object being such a homophob, I automatically thought all unbelievably hot guys are like that. But here was the ultimate alpha male, happily blurting out the opposite.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because", he said, "you wouldn't know which fits the best if you haven't tried both, now would you?"
And I couldn't help thinking, hmmm. He had a point.
Now while I was busy thinking about that point, out came the question:
"So why aren't you a lesbian?"
It took me some time to think before I answered it, and thankfully he was satisfied with the answer. But the answer would generate a whole other post, because this one's already long enough. I'll write that down later.
Anyway, giving him a satisfactory answer was something I rarely accomplish, and for that I felt even more refreshed.
Saturday
Damn it and the whole damn wide universe
Not exactly a good day. Not.
Don't get me wrong, I did some things I was proud of, I had fun with my friends, I have the house all by myself now...
But none of this matters to me, once I realize what a pointless life I've been having for some time. Pointless!!
My goal in life is to be happy. And you know what? I'm not. Thus concluding, my life has failed to reach its goal.
Allow me to wail and see if anyone can make a coherent sentence to explain this.
I spent my Friday doing meetings, which I'm getting sick of now. I don't understand why things can't just take care of their own.
Then, I went through my Friday night not being able to sleep, because I was coughing like crazy all night long. I literally kicked myself for not being able to sleep.
On Saturday I spent the whole day with my friends, laughing, working, eating together, having some talks...and at no point have I ever felt content.
How do I know about this, you say?
I ran into the sexual object of my affection today, and when we were talking I got to realise...how GOOD it felt when I first knew him. It brought back all the memories of him telling me to get over my ex and start offering free rides to other guys. I used to feel so alive that moment. I was free, I was happy, and most importantly, I was content to have someone at heart.
I had that someone whom I can be really honest with, who knows how to make me feel comfortable, who cares about me. We were never a couple, nor we ever will be, but I love him to death.
The only guy whom I can exchange "I love you"s with (to this day) and still maintain a platonic relationship.
After that one talk, I looked back at my life, and I see no one that can do this to me anymore.
I was just sitting there, making notes in that meeting, looking at all these people surrounding me,
and still I felt lonely.
(Especially when I looked around, and saw people with comfort glowing from them and people near them, and I just can't understand what kind of sin I have done not to be able to feel that way)
When I talk my opinions are heard and respected, but as I say them I looked at my friend's faces...and there was something I was looking for but could not find.
Not necessarily a guy's affection, nor a girl's tender attention, nor even some heartening appraisal. I am thankful to have all that, but I need that something...that can make me say to myself, "You know what, I have this thing with someone and it's special. So you do what you gotta do, screw the world. You'll always have this person anyways."
Content. Where did that feeling go?
Damn it, WHAT ON EARTH DID I DO THAT MADE EVERYBODY LEAVE ME ALONE?
WHY DOES EVERYBODY KEEP TURNING TO OTHER PEOPLE AND PUTTING ME ASIDE?
I'm freakin' upset for 7 hours everyday about this, and to this day, 20 years and 27 days after my birth, NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS!!! WHY CAN'T (or won't) ANYBODY SEE THAT I'M LONELY? And don't give me that "You have to open up to people" crap. If I have ever found someone whom I can talk to about this and not run away in a year or so, then I wouldn't have had this problem in the first place.
I'm not happy.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
What, you think I'm self-centered? Can you help it if you're the only person who worries about yourself?
Illness and loneliness are not a good combination.
Don't get me wrong, I did some things I was proud of, I had fun with my friends, I have the house all by myself now...
But none of this matters to me, once I realize what a pointless life I've been having for some time. Pointless!!
My goal in life is to be happy. And you know what? I'm not. Thus concluding, my life has failed to reach its goal.
Allow me to wail and see if anyone can make a coherent sentence to explain this.
I spent my Friday doing meetings, which I'm getting sick of now. I don't understand why things can't just take care of their own.
Then, I went through my Friday night not being able to sleep, because I was coughing like crazy all night long. I literally kicked myself for not being able to sleep.
On Saturday I spent the whole day with my friends, laughing, working, eating together, having some talks...and at no point have I ever felt content.
How do I know about this, you say?
I ran into the sexual object of my affection today, and when we were talking I got to realise...how GOOD it felt when I first knew him. It brought back all the memories of him telling me to get over my ex and start offering free rides to other guys. I used to feel so alive that moment. I was free, I was happy, and most importantly, I was content to have someone at heart.
I had that someone whom I can be really honest with, who knows how to make me feel comfortable, who cares about me. We were never a couple, nor we ever will be, but I love him to death.
The only guy whom I can exchange "I love you"s with (to this day) and still maintain a platonic relationship.
After that one talk, I looked back at my life, and I see no one that can do this to me anymore.
I was just sitting there, making notes in that meeting, looking at all these people surrounding me,
and still I felt lonely.
(Especially when I looked around, and saw people with comfort glowing from them and people near them, and I just can't understand what kind of sin I have done not to be able to feel that way)
When I talk my opinions are heard and respected, but as I say them I looked at my friend's faces...and there was something I was looking for but could not find.
Not necessarily a guy's affection, nor a girl's tender attention, nor even some heartening appraisal. I am thankful to have all that, but I need that something...that can make me say to myself, "You know what, I have this thing with someone and it's special. So you do what you gotta do, screw the world. You'll always have this person anyways."
Content. Where did that feeling go?
Damn it, WHAT ON EARTH DID I DO THAT MADE EVERYBODY LEAVE ME ALONE?
WHY DOES EVERYBODY KEEP TURNING TO OTHER PEOPLE AND PUTTING ME ASIDE?
I'm freakin' upset for 7 hours everyday about this, and to this day, 20 years and 27 days after my birth, NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS!!! WHY CAN'T (or won't) ANYBODY SEE THAT I'M LONELY? And don't give me that "You have to open up to people" crap. If I have ever found someone whom I can talk to about this and not run away in a year or so, then I wouldn't have had this problem in the first place.
I'm not happy.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
What, you think I'm self-centered? Can you help it if you're the only person who worries about yourself?
Illness and loneliness are not a good combination.
It Was You.
You were the reason I made this blog. And the other one. And post on the one on campus. Guess what? People like it. I have a lot of people saying they like my thoughts, that they find them amusing and enlighting.
You were behind me ever since the start of my job. You're the one who always said, "You're not a kid anymore, you're an adult! You have a carreer!" That got me through. Two years, a raise, and a promotion.
You got me thinking about things I never thought I could think about. You triggered my brain to work, you introduced me to a thing called "serious discussion". I turned to debating because of you. I won two championships, sweetheart. You made me this way.
The thing is, I never can understand why you do these things in such cold approaches.
That was it, wasn't it? That was the basic difference that sets us apart. I can't bring myself to believe that you actually wanted to help me. You can't bring yourself to understand why I could prioritize things so unproportionally.
I read something you wrote, something that was once very personal to you. I don't know why you'd put it up for everyone to read, but I was very, very surprised to see you opening up. And you know what? I felt a little pride in here. Look at you, allowing people to see what's on your mind and all. You stepped out of that "loner" image!
We both have very different paths of life. It was something I learned on my own, you're a brilliant man, but you have your own way, enlightening others who pass ways with you. You will not be thoroughly understood by many, including myself, but your amazing perception will always make people look up to you.
You made people learn so much. No doubt you are one of the greatest people I've met during my short life...and I thought, I really thought, I could be a part of this. I thought I could step into your views and introduced you to my own. I thought I have the capability to create an impact on you.
But I was wrong. Instead, I hurt you like no woman has ever done before.
And now, when it's all over, I looked behind my shoulder and saw you happy....and I was happy.
I wished, like I've never wished before, that you would remember me even a fraction of how I remember you.
I wished, and I knelt praying, that I could meant something to you.
I may never know this, I may never know what you think of me, but my worst fear of all.....
my deepest fear is to know that you regret having known me at all.
That you thought I was the biggest mistake in your life.
Just the thought of this stabbed myself so hard, I can't think of senseful sentences to continue this with.
Why. Did I have to lose you. That way.
God, are you listening to me? Please, I beg You, make our time together worthwhile for him. Even just for the smallest bit You can manage.
Tonight, for the first time in months, I cried for you. For losing you.
It was you. You helped me to all this...and this is all for you.
You were behind me ever since the start of my job. You're the one who always said, "You're not a kid anymore, you're an adult! You have a carreer!" That got me through. Two years, a raise, and a promotion.
You got me thinking about things I never thought I could think about. You triggered my brain to work, you introduced me to a thing called "serious discussion". I turned to debating because of you. I won two championships, sweetheart. You made me this way.
The thing is, I never can understand why you do these things in such cold approaches.
That was it, wasn't it? That was the basic difference that sets us apart. I can't bring myself to believe that you actually wanted to help me. You can't bring yourself to understand why I could prioritize things so unproportionally.
I read something you wrote, something that was once very personal to you. I don't know why you'd put it up for everyone to read, but I was very, very surprised to see you opening up. And you know what? I felt a little pride in here. Look at you, allowing people to see what's on your mind and all. You stepped out of that "loner" image!
We both have very different paths of life. It was something I learned on my own, you're a brilliant man, but you have your own way, enlightening others who pass ways with you. You will not be thoroughly understood by many, including myself, but your amazing perception will always make people look up to you.
You made people learn so much. No doubt you are one of the greatest people I've met during my short life...and I thought, I really thought, I could be a part of this. I thought I could step into your views and introduced you to my own. I thought I have the capability to create an impact on you.
But I was wrong. Instead, I hurt you like no woman has ever done before.
And now, when it's all over, I looked behind my shoulder and saw you happy....and I was happy.
I wished, like I've never wished before, that you would remember me even a fraction of how I remember you.
I wished, and I knelt praying, that I could meant something to you.
I may never know this, I may never know what you think of me, but my worst fear of all.....
my deepest fear is to know that you regret having known me at all.
That you thought I was the biggest mistake in your life.
Just the thought of this stabbed myself so hard, I can't think of senseful sentences to continue this with.
Why. Did I have to lose you. That way.
God, are you listening to me? Please, I beg You, make our time together worthwhile for him. Even just for the smallest bit You can manage.
Tonight, for the first time in months, I cried for you. For losing you.
It was you. You helped me to all this...and this is all for you.
Monday
Why English?
This place was not meant to be seen. I wrote a lot of really personal posts here, things that might shock my peers & acquaintances. That's why I don't put my real name / age / gender (though you might've assumed, dear readers, that I am a female). That's also why I never put any links here. I don't want people to know who I know, or sites I'm most likely to be at. I wanted it to be completely anonymous and impersonal, to make up for the personal things I write. You won't even know what country I'm in.
Now, I realize that this is quite self-centered of me, being all isolated as if someone actually cares to find out who I really am, but hey. We all want to feel important.
So anyway. After a few while, the site leaked to some of my friends, and I thought, "Oh well, it's on the internet, people should see it", so I let them see it. But then I began to receive some complaints, "Why do you have to write it in English? It's harder to understand that way! I don't know what you're saying!" (there you go, another hint. I don't live in an English-speaking country). Most of the times I just replied with a smile.
It's actually because I felt more comfortable expressing myself in this language.
Go ahead, judge me as a Westernist. I don't care. I do feel a lot more comfortable writing English. I was taught for five years to get accustomed to it, and I'm not going to throw it all away. I don't care how people say I'm just trying to show off, people who say that obviously overestimated my skills, not knowing the occassional horror I suffer from the typos and grammatical errors in this blog. The fact is, my brain mostly works in English (obnoxious as it may sound). It's not something I do intentionally, just so happens that I'm more cut out for this language than my own mother's.
So there.
The language (or the ludicrous behaviour) throws you off? Don't read this blog. Like I said, this place was not made to be seen publically.
Speaking of writing, I haven't posted anything about stuff other than Yours Truly these days. My brain's starting to get numb. Have to work, quick.
Now, I realize that this is quite self-centered of me, being all isolated as if someone actually cares to find out who I really am, but hey. We all want to feel important.
So anyway. After a few while, the site leaked to some of my friends, and I thought, "Oh well, it's on the internet, people should see it", so I let them see it. But then I began to receive some complaints, "Why do you have to write it in English? It's harder to understand that way! I don't know what you're saying!" (there you go, another hint. I don't live in an English-speaking country). Most of the times I just replied with a smile.
It's actually because I felt more comfortable expressing myself in this language.
Go ahead, judge me as a Westernist. I don't care. I do feel a lot more comfortable writing English. I was taught for five years to get accustomed to it, and I'm not going to throw it all away. I don't care how people say I'm just trying to show off, people who say that obviously overestimated my skills, not knowing the occassional horror I suffer from the typos and grammatical errors in this blog. The fact is, my brain mostly works in English (obnoxious as it may sound). It's not something I do intentionally, just so happens that I'm more cut out for this language than my own mother's.
So there.
The language (or the ludicrous behaviour) throws you off? Don't read this blog. Like I said, this place was not made to be seen publically.
Speaking of writing, I haven't posted anything about stuff other than Yours Truly these days. My brain's starting to get numb. Have to work, quick.
Wednesday
I see the signs.
Having experienced it many times before, I know when someone could use a break from interacting with, well, me. I'm quite a handful to deal with anyway.
Today, I see the signs again. And I got it.
So I'll try, as much as I could allow myself, to pull away. Keep a distance. Cold shoulder and everything.
If there's anything I could do, I'd do it for my friends. So if they see something in me that they're uncomfortable with, and they decide maybe I'm not so worthy of hanging out with anymore, so be it.
I just keep regretting all the things I do that makes them uncomfortable with me in the first place.
I am a pleaser. That's just what I do. It crushed me to see someone unhappy and I'd try to do anything to cheer them up...unfortunately, I'm not very good at it.
From the jabbering above you might be able to make out that I'm in quite a fragile mood right now.
The fact is, I am and will continue to be for the rest of the week...or even until Tuesday.
Let's see how well I could cover this whole thing up.
Today, I see the signs again. And I got it.
So I'll try, as much as I could allow myself, to pull away. Keep a distance. Cold shoulder and everything.
If there's anything I could do, I'd do it for my friends. So if they see something in me that they're uncomfortable with, and they decide maybe I'm not so worthy of hanging out with anymore, so be it.
I just keep regretting all the things I do that makes them uncomfortable with me in the first place.
I am a pleaser. That's just what I do. It crushed me to see someone unhappy and I'd try to do anything to cheer them up...unfortunately, I'm not very good at it.
From the jabbering above you might be able to make out that I'm in quite a fragile mood right now.
The fact is, I am and will continue to be for the rest of the week...or even until Tuesday.
Let's see how well I could cover this whole thing up.
A light at the end of the tunnel.
Alright.
My dear man (you know, the man I referred to in the last post. I'm just gonna call him "my mentor" from now on, since that's what the job's actually called) had me coming to work today, and we had a little talk about the benefits & duties of being a mentor.
You know what? It's pretty cool.
Because I get paid even better than I already had, and the duties are stuff that I've always wondered how to do, like listening to other teacher's session on tape, reading reports instead of making them, stuff like that. And he told me to come on Friday, when he'll be coming to a company class and conduct an oral survey. Basically he gets to ask the students what they really thought about their teacher and distribute chocolate and name cards while the teacher waits outside, nervous and increasingly panicked. For half hours' talk (not work), he gets paid as much as a teacher's 2-hour work.
He (and I would) also gets to do other cool stuff like giving workshops or random quizzes to other teachers, and go to a management meeting to "discuss" other teachers...and get paid for a holiday every year.
And the coolest of all, I get to pick the classes I want! Now I can teach these exotic classes like the Shangri-La or Regent ones that I've always wanted to teach.
But, of course, there are some tough things I'm still really nervous about, like helping other teachers solve their problems (WHOA there),
being responsible over teachers' quality,
getting involved in company decision-making,
and, most of all, showing to everyone (mostly myself) that I deserved this job.
I'm starting to calm down about this. Gradually.
P.S: My mentor told me he was freaked out too when he was first appointed. Which reminds me, I'm still quite upset about him leaving (because his new job's in travelling, so I won't be seeing as much of him). Seriously, I'm gonna miss him. He's a really good friend, a hell of a fun to be with, a little bit more special than any other guy friends I have. He has this really cool individual clothing style, too. When we finished today's talk about this mentor thing, I showed him these earrings I just bought, and he was not only interested, but also provide some fashion tips.
Where the hell am I going to find a guy like that?
Argh, this is too much of a change..
My dear man (you know, the man I referred to in the last post. I'm just gonna call him "my mentor" from now on, since that's what the job's actually called) had me coming to work today, and we had a little talk about the benefits & duties of being a mentor.
You know what? It's pretty cool.
Because I get paid even better than I already had, and the duties are stuff that I've always wondered how to do, like listening to other teacher's session on tape, reading reports instead of making them, stuff like that. And he told me to come on Friday, when he'll be coming to a company class and conduct an oral survey. Basically he gets to ask the students what they really thought about their teacher and distribute chocolate and name cards while the teacher waits outside, nervous and increasingly panicked. For half hours' talk (not work), he gets paid as much as a teacher's 2-hour work.
He (and I would) also gets to do other cool stuff like giving workshops or random quizzes to other teachers, and go to a management meeting to "discuss" other teachers...and get paid for a holiday every year.
And the coolest of all, I get to pick the classes I want! Now I can teach these exotic classes like the Shangri-La or Regent ones that I've always wanted to teach.
But, of course, there are some tough things I'm still really nervous about, like helping other teachers solve their problems (WHOA there),
being responsible over teachers' quality,
getting involved in company decision-making,
and, most of all, showing to everyone (mostly myself) that I deserved this job.
I'm starting to calm down about this. Gradually.
P.S: My mentor told me he was freaked out too when he was first appointed. Which reminds me, I'm still quite upset about him leaving (because his new job's in travelling, so I won't be seeing as much of him). Seriously, I'm gonna miss him. He's a really good friend, a hell of a fun to be with, a little bit more special than any other guy friends I have. He has this really cool individual clothing style, too. When we finished today's talk about this mentor thing, I showed him these earrings I just bought, and he was not only interested, but also provide some fashion tips.
Where the hell am I going to find a guy like that?
Argh, this is too much of a change..
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