It Was You.

You were the reason I made this blog. And the other one. And post on the one on campus. Guess what? People like it. I have a lot of people saying they like my thoughts, that they find them amusing and enlighting.

You were behind me ever since the start of my job. You're the one who always said, "You're not a kid anymore, you're an adult! You have a carreer!" That got me through. Two years, a raise, and a promotion.

You got me thinking about things I never thought I could think about. You triggered my brain to work, you introduced me to a thing called "serious discussion". I turned to debating because of you. I won two championships, sweetheart. You made me this way.

The thing is, I never can understand why you do these things in such cold approaches.
That was it, wasn't it? That was the basic difference that sets us apart. I can't bring myself to believe that you actually wanted to help me. You can't bring yourself to understand why I could prioritize things so unproportionally.

I read something you wrote, something that was once very personal to you. I don't know why you'd put it up for everyone to read, but I was very, very surprised to see you opening up. And you know what? I felt a little pride in here. Look at you, allowing people to see what's on your mind and all. You stepped out of that "loner" image!
We both have very different paths of life. It was something I learned on my own, you're a brilliant man, but you have your own way, enlightening others who pass ways with you. You will not be thoroughly understood by many, including myself, but your amazing perception will always make people look up to you.

You made people learn so much. No doubt you are one of the greatest people I've met during my short life...and I thought, I really thought, I could be a part of this. I thought I could step into your views and introduced you to my own. I thought I have the capability to create an impact on you.

But I was wrong. Instead, I hurt you like no woman has ever done before.

And now, when it's all over, I looked behind my shoulder and saw you happy....and I was happy.
I wished, like I've never wished before, that you would remember me even a fraction of how I remember you.
I wished, and I knelt praying, that I could meant something to you.
I may never know this, I may never know what you think of me, but my worst fear of all.....
my deepest fear is to know that you regret having known me at all.
That you thought I was the biggest mistake in your life.

Just the thought of this stabbed myself so hard, I can't think of senseful sentences to continue this with.
Why. Did I have to lose you. That way.

God, are you listening to me? Please, I beg You, make our time together worthwhile for him. Even just for the smallest bit You can manage.

Tonight, for the first time in months, I cried for you. For losing you.

It was you. You helped me to all this...and this is all for you.

Why English?

This place was not meant to be seen. I wrote a lot of really personal posts here, things that might shock my peers & acquaintances. That's why I don't put my real name / age / gender (though you might've assumed, dear readers, that I am a female). That's also why I never put any links here. I don't want people to know who I know, or sites I'm most likely to be at. I wanted it to be completely anonymous and impersonal, to make up for the personal things I write. You won't even know what country I'm in.

Now, I realize that this is quite self-centered of me, being all isolated as if someone actually cares to find out who I really am, but hey. We all want to feel important.

So anyway. After a few while, the site leaked to some of my friends, and I thought, "Oh well, it's on the internet, people should see it", so I let them see it. But then I began to receive some complaints, "Why do you have to write it in English? It's harder to understand that way! I don't know what you're saying!" (there you go, another hint. I don't live in an English-speaking country). Most of the times I just replied with a smile.
It's actually because I felt more comfortable expressing myself in this language.
Go ahead, judge me as a Westernist. I don't care. I do feel a lot more comfortable writing English. I was taught for five years to get accustomed to it, and I'm not going to throw it all away. I don't care how people say I'm just trying to show off, people who say that obviously overestimated my skills, not knowing the occassional horror I suffer from the typos and grammatical errors in this blog. The fact is, my brain mostly works in English (obnoxious as it may sound). It's not something I do intentionally, just so happens that I'm more cut out for this language than my own mother's.
So there.

The language (or the ludicrous behaviour) throws you off? Don't read this blog. Like I said, this place was not made to be seen publically.

Speaking of writing, I haven't posted anything about stuff other than Yours Truly these days. My brain's starting to get numb. Have to work, quick.

I see the signs.

Having experienced it many times before, I know when someone could use a break from interacting with, well, me. I'm quite a handful to deal with anyway.

Today, I see the signs again. And I got it.
So I'll try, as much as I could allow myself, to pull away. Keep a distance. Cold shoulder and everything.
If there's anything I could do, I'd do it for my friends. So if they see something in me that they're uncomfortable with, and they decide maybe I'm not so worthy of hanging out with anymore, so be it.
I just keep regretting all the things I do that makes them uncomfortable with me in the first place.

I am a pleaser. That's just what I do. It crushed me to see someone unhappy and I'd try to do anything to cheer them up...unfortunately, I'm not very good at it.

From the jabbering above you might be able to make out that I'm in quite a fragile mood right now.
The fact is, I am and will continue to be for the rest of the week...or even until Tuesday.
Let's see how well I could cover this whole thing up.

A light at the end of the tunnel.

Alright.
My dear man (you know, the man I referred to in the last post. I'm just gonna call him "my mentor" from now on, since that's what the job's actually called) had me coming to work today, and we had a little talk about the benefits & duties of being a mentor.

You know what? It's pretty cool.

Because I get paid even better than I already had, and the duties are stuff that I've always wondered how to do, like listening to other teacher's session on tape, reading reports instead of making them, stuff like that. And he told me to come on Friday, when he'll be coming to a company class and conduct an oral survey. Basically he gets to ask the students what they really thought about their teacher and distribute chocolate and name cards while the teacher waits outside, nervous and increasingly panicked. For half hours' talk (not work), he gets paid as much as a teacher's 2-hour work.

He (and I would) also gets to do other cool stuff like giving workshops or random quizzes to other teachers, and go to a management meeting to "discuss" other teachers...and get paid for a holiday every year.
And the coolest of all, I get to pick the classes I want! Now I can teach these exotic classes like the Shangri-La or Regent ones that I've always wanted to teach.

But, of course, there are some tough things I'm still really nervous about, like helping other teachers solve their problems (WHOA there),
being responsible over teachers' quality,
getting involved in company decision-making,
and, most of all, showing to everyone (mostly myself) that I deserved this job.

I'm starting to calm down about this. Gradually.

P.S: My mentor told me he was freaked out too when he was first appointed. Which reminds me, I'm still quite upset about him leaving (because his new job's in travelling, so I won't be seeing as much of him). Seriously, I'm gonna miss him. He's a really good friend, a hell of a fun to be with, a little bit more special than any other guy friends I have. He has this really cool individual clothing style, too. When we finished today's talk about this mentor thing, I showed him these earrings I just bought, and he was not only interested, but also provide some fashion tips.
Where the hell am I going to find a guy like that?
Argh, this is too much of a change..

I don't believe this.

So. I've always enjoyed being self-centered and boastful in this blog, but this particular post is one where I really actually am freaked out over these days' past blessings.

The place where I teach provides me with a guardian angel (in a form of a fairly attractive man). I've been with him ever since I first entered the place, he trained me to be a teacher and made sure I don't screw up in class. It's rather comforting to know you have somebody you can turn/ask/wail/look for solution to whenever there's a problem, class-wise.

And then, suddenly it happened.
Yesterday I was happily driving along the road when my manager called.
Turns out my dear guidance is quitting, and she wanted me to replace him.
This means I have to be responsible to made sure other teachers don't screw up in class, and I have to train newbies. Modify them into qualified teachers that my company can proudly sent out.
This is a great honor and I should be really, really flattered and thankful.

But here's the thing.
I'm not ready for this yet!!

I'm too young for this. I'm not that good yet. Really. I mean, I still hand in my reports late. I still come to class without preparation. I still get static uncomfortable moments in my classes.
This new task, though exciting and very, very cool, is really intimidating and I'm not handling the challenge very well.
I really don't think I'm the best person for this job. Don't get me wrong, this is something I've always wanted, ever since I started working there. But I do know that I have to reach a certain level first and I'm just not there yet.
This is crazy.

I remember writing this post when I said I've reached one of my dreams (being a teacher) before I'm 20. At that time being offered to guide other teachers was merely a glimpse of a dream. Now I find myself reaching that dream, and guess what?
I'm still not 20 yet! (Had this offer been given three weeks later, this post would not have existed).
I'm nineteen years old. The label "teenager" can still be put upon me. I'm just a kid. I watched Nickelodeon and Disney Channel whenever I have free time. I fascinate over floating soap bubbles. I relate myself to Chandler Bing.
I'm too young to be imparting wisdom to other people!

I know I'm supposed to be grown up and accept this change as an enlighting experience. I know I'm supposed to gloat and tell all my friends about it and start counting the extra money I'll get.
But, quoting a Cathy comic, are any of us ever prepared to watch our dreams came true?

A little something I'd like to pass on.

I had two reasons to write this post: to work up what had been given to me by a devil and as a clarification to a friend in case I explained it in a rather biased way the other day. Smart people should not be misinformed.

What I'm actually making all this shanannigan (oops, there I go again) for is to talk about prejudice.

I'll tell you what I think it is. It's something you do to people whom you're not comfortable with. You pre-judge them. And since you're not comfortable with them, the verdict is not beautiful.
What prejudice does is bringing you to a state of nowhere, where you just cringe at and bitch about someone's behavior. It keeps you from actually understanding why this particular someone might have this kind of behavior in the first place, and you end up making further accusations on how horrible the person is.
In short, think of prejudice as a really, really, bad first impression.

I absolutely loathe prejudice.
I had to live all my child years in it. It was the thing that crumbled me.

There is no logical reason to have prejudice on someone or something. People with painfully narrow minds just do that. It's what they do to things that are outside their safe circle of knowledge.
Some people, as hard as it is to believe, gets confused when they see something new and unusual. Some people don't handle unique things very well, and the easiest way to stop this uncomfortable sense of unknownness is to give a "bad" label. Then you can simply shove it out of the way, because if something's "bad" then there's really no sense in having to understand it, right?

How the hell are we supposed to learn new things then?

Look around you. People are saying, "Things are not what they seem" or "Don't judge a book by its cover" or "I believe people are generally nice" (one of the sickest sentence I heard that actually came out from someone I know) and yet these are the same people who scoffs at other people who smoke pot. Or is not afraid to kiss in public. Or loves Marilyn Manson style.
I mean, jeez! How fake (and stupid) can you be?
How can people do something like that to somebody they don't even know??
I'm disgusted just by thinking of it.

And you know, the weirdest thing is that prejudice benefits absolutely no one and people still do it. For God's sake, even beating people up creates at least pleasure for the jerk who did it. That's why they keep doing it, because it makes them feel better. Try judging someone a jackass and see how much better you'll feel.
Nada.
And you get stupider because you'll never experience that thrills of learning new things about people.

Now please, hear me out. Don't let prejudice stop you from being educated. It is by any extent the worst thing you can do to a stranger. No. Sorry. The worst thing you can do to ANYONE. When you see something you 're not accustomed to, look again. Try looking it in some other way. Look as hard as you can until you can get an informed conclusion on the occurrence. Discuss with the (gasp) "perpetrators". They'll be happy to explain what you might fail to understand. Then see how this piece of story would affect you. In even the most monotonic story of life, there has to be at least 10% that you never heard of. Make a good use of it. Tell it to other people, if necessary. See how much wiser you've gotten?

Everyone has their own story. Aren't you just fascinated to learn all of them while telling your own?
Stop being uncomfortable and start embracing.

Those words.

Probably the most thrilling four sentences I've read ever since I met the man that stole my heart.

When I read them, inside I absolutely shivered.
The chills.
That tingling feeling on my spine, rising up to my head and taking me away from reality for a moment.
The way those words made me kneel and pray that I had something to do with them.
How I wish...that those words were meant for me.
It was beautiful.

As the words flow, I stopped breathing. And start trembling, in and out. I let my emotion take me over....my immense yearning for affection screamed.

For a moment, nothing else matters in this world except to be loved.

I didn't know I could ever felt like that ever again. I really didn't.

Tonight,
All my memories arise.
The feelings I've had.
People I've fancied and loved.
People I've loved.
Everything's just...surreal!
The fresh smile of an old crush,
the agony as my ex come and go,
the chills of a brilliant sensation.

The chills.
This is exactly how powerful words are.

If I wasn't falling for him before, I definitely am now.