Aren't images weird?
There is something about them that is very powerful in our lives.
As a prelude, let me explain what I mean by "image" here.
I'm talking about one's image, how a person want to be seen or thought of by the environment, how they wish their friends/family/significant other would think of them.
Image means picture. Keeping your image clean means making sure that how you look, act and interact fulfills the public standard as "good" (despite the fact that the standard may or may not occur in your true personality), in order to obtain a good picture of yourself.
It is a dangerous concept, but perfectly acceptable.
Thoughts came when a friend of mine claimed to have very little skill in keeping his image clean. He's concerned and asked for help. I'm concerned because he did. He happens to be a very nice guy, tolerant, deadly funny and basically a great friend. Random brief moments of dirty talks or harsh behavior may occur - isn't it all too normal for a guy?
Conversation continued in this peer group, where it was questioned why image is so important. One mentioned - after apologizing for being frank - that the main reason he maintain a good image is for him to be liked, more specifically in a romantic sense by someone of the opposite sex.
Very interesting, and one of the reason why the concept is acceptable.
Again, social standard and acceptance is the problem. Why is it so important to be "good"? Because we want to be accepted and liked by other people. And what usually attracts other people is when you play along with them, putting out a charming Dr. Jekyll in the world while you may (or may not) be Mr. Hyde.
Now there are some people (and a specific teacher of mine) who are deeply concerned about this, and would tell you that you shouldn't give a damn about what people are thinking. Be who you are, if they don't like you, screw them. These kind of people are often thought of as thinkers whose barks are bigger than their bites. Extreme isolated people, who often spends time annoying their friends with philosophies. Bad image.
There are two things that needs to be clarified here.
One, not everybody hates Mr. Jekyll. In the case of my friend, many like him the way he is, rough bits and all. Don't we all sometimes tolerate rude friends/family/significant other, because we understand that they're not being serious or they're saying it for our own good, or even simply because we have great affection over them? Admit.
Two, the bad image people tend to put on philosophers mentioned above. I wouldn't know if this is the case (since I'm not one of those people), but I think there's something very important forgotten by the public eye. These people are concerned if you are not being yourself in public, just to be liked. They don't want you to lie about yourself. Honesty expected. What if your personality, your true self just happen to fit public standards as "good"? What if you are basically a polite, nice, considerate-to-old-ladies person? Should you be hated for being "good"?
I don't think so! The concept becomes dangerous when you're actually Mr. Hyde, and you're comfortable with being Mr. Hyde, but you force yourself to be Dr. Jekyll because nobody like a Mr. Hyde.
Now there must be a reason why this second clarification is never heard of. Probably because I misunderstood the whole concept of image-keeping, or I misintrepret the philosophers (if I am, deeply sorry people).
Anyway my point is, this friend of mine shouldn't be worried about how he's not maintaining a good image - if he is comfortable with his own self and would be uncomfortable changing himself. How you present yourself to the world should be only affected by yourself - not external factors.
If this still seems like an extreme point of individualistic view, allow me to soften it a bit: you should only be concerned of improving your image if (a)nobody seems to like you (and I mean nobody), (b)you happen to be in a social-driven occupations, like politicians or celebrities, where "bad" image might cause damage to your life, or simply (c) because you feel like it.
Image means picture. There are beautiful ones, ugly ones, weird ones, and, like Van Gogh paintings, seemingly ugly ones who will someday be considered brilliantly beautiful ones.
Modify if you need, but don't repaint them in trendy colours. Colours will change but the art would never.
Wednesday
Sunday
To whom it may concern,
I'm sorry.
As many times as you've heard it from me, I still am. I should be a better friend. And I know you're disappointed at me, because you thought I'm bigger than this. I've seen how you expected certain reactions from me, and it kills me that I can't give them.
I can't be happy for you, and what's more, I don't seem to have a proper reason for it.
I thought hard about it, as you taught me to, and so far I've come out with:
a. I'm just being a big brat who can't accept changes.
b. I'm jealous of her, because I've known her my whole life, and she's always been
ahead of me. There is not a single man who knows both of us and likes me better
than her. She even managed to win your heart in less time it takes for me to be
your friend - without doing anything.
c. You're a really special person to me, and I'm too afraid to lose you. I know you
said you'd still be my teacher and my friend, and I really want to believe it.
It's just that I've heard this from a lot of guys, and it never happened. Don't
blame them - why stick with a friend when you have an amazing girlfriend who can
also be your friend?
d. Seeing someone receiving something I've always dreamed of but never get is
killing me. I guess it slaps me as, "Y'know they keep saying you're a good
person, and yet nobody wants to be with you. Some great people thinks quite high
of you, and even these people would rather choose someone else. So there must be
something wrong with you!"
I don't know which one is the real reason, I don't even know if the real reason was listed, but all above is true. Everything in this writing is true. I really am THAT horrible of a person.
By the way, you are aware that I have no romantic feelings towards you whatsoever, don't you?
And you also understand what I mean when I say I love you.
I really, really wish I can tell you how happy I am for you. But I can't lie to you - and I know as much as you're disappointed at me, you also want me to be perfectly honest. The truth is, it hurts me to hear you talking about her, to see you and her together. And I'm serious when I say it hurts.
God, I HATE THIS!! Everything would be so much easier, as it's supposed to be, if my selfishness would stay away from the bussiness for just once. For GOD'S SAKE, it's not even about ME, this is about YOU finding a GIRL you LIKE. Why can't I, who's supposedly a friend, supporter and protégé, just BE HAPPY about it??
I'm not satisfied with my reasons yet. I'll have to dig deeper.
You're right, it's eating me real bad. Oh man, if only I can tell you about the nights! Times when I'd lay there staring bug-eyed at my sheet as logic and feelings both fight for their existence, my heart pounding so bad it scares me. And how I lost my breath whenever the facts slapped on to reality. Guilt. For the first time since I broke up with my ex, I'd wake up from a two-hour sleep with a damp pillow and a bad migraine.
If you'd known about all this, you'd laugh, I bet.
The nights are always the worst times, probably because I'm alone and can't think straight. It's amazingly irrational - not to mention painful - and the morning will come when I would be astonished at how stupid I was reacting all night. And believe me, I'm always looking forward to those mornings.
I look forward to the time I can be a better friend for both of you. I can promise I'll try to be, but I can't promise anything more. And for that, once again, I'm sorry.
As many times as you've heard it from me, I still am. I should be a better friend. And I know you're disappointed at me, because you thought I'm bigger than this. I've seen how you expected certain reactions from me, and it kills me that I can't give them.
I can't be happy for you, and what's more, I don't seem to have a proper reason for it.
I thought hard about it, as you taught me to, and so far I've come out with:
a. I'm just being a big brat who can't accept changes.
b. I'm jealous of her, because I've known her my whole life, and she's always been
ahead of me. There is not a single man who knows both of us and likes me better
than her. She even managed to win your heart in less time it takes for me to be
your friend - without doing anything.
c. You're a really special person to me, and I'm too afraid to lose you. I know you
said you'd still be my teacher and my friend, and I really want to believe it.
It's just that I've heard this from a lot of guys, and it never happened. Don't
blame them - why stick with a friend when you have an amazing girlfriend who can
also be your friend?
d. Seeing someone receiving something I've always dreamed of but never get is
killing me. I guess it slaps me as, "Y'know they keep saying you're a good
person, and yet nobody wants to be with you. Some great people thinks quite high
of you, and even these people would rather choose someone else. So there must be
something wrong with you!"
I don't know which one is the real reason, I don't even know if the real reason was listed, but all above is true. Everything in this writing is true. I really am THAT horrible of a person.
By the way, you are aware that I have no romantic feelings towards you whatsoever, don't you?
And you also understand what I mean when I say I love you.
I really, really wish I can tell you how happy I am for you. But I can't lie to you - and I know as much as you're disappointed at me, you also want me to be perfectly honest. The truth is, it hurts me to hear you talking about her, to see you and her together. And I'm serious when I say it hurts.
God, I HATE THIS!! Everything would be so much easier, as it's supposed to be, if my selfishness would stay away from the bussiness for just once. For GOD'S SAKE, it's not even about ME, this is about YOU finding a GIRL you LIKE. Why can't I, who's supposedly a friend, supporter and protégé, just BE HAPPY about it??
I'm not satisfied with my reasons yet. I'll have to dig deeper.
You're right, it's eating me real bad. Oh man, if only I can tell you about the nights! Times when I'd lay there staring bug-eyed at my sheet as logic and feelings both fight for their existence, my heart pounding so bad it scares me. And how I lost my breath whenever the facts slapped on to reality. Guilt. For the first time since I broke up with my ex, I'd wake up from a two-hour sleep with a damp pillow and a bad migraine.
If you'd known about all this, you'd laugh, I bet.
The nights are always the worst times, probably because I'm alone and can't think straight. It's amazingly irrational - not to mention painful - and the morning will come when I would be astonished at how stupid I was reacting all night. And believe me, I'm always looking forward to those mornings.
I look forward to the time I can be a better friend for both of you. I can promise I'll try to be, but I can't promise anything more. And for that, once again, I'm sorry.
So here we are again….
I feel like the lowest creature on earth.
Haven’t been able to express it for a while, though…
I hate myself. I’m like this one person who wants to be somebody but always ends up being nobody.
I’m not important. I am. All my life, I’m number two. Hell, I’m even the second child in my family. I guess it runs in my genes.
No wonder it’s so important to be number one for me.
I longed so much to matter. It’s really pathetic, I know. But when you live all your lives being ignored because everybody found somebody better than you, this is pretty much how you end up into.
My friend says it’s because I look up too much, and never look down.
I told him that I can hardly see anything down.
Computer science people, ever heard of a type of data structure called a stack? Any new data that enters becomes the top of stack, and therefore can be accessed first. The bottom of stack, which is the first data to be saved, can only be reached after others have been taken away.
I’m the bottom of stack. Except new things always comes around, and therefore I was never found. I’m known, I exist, but I’m not needed.
Alright, I just relate myself to a data structure, which I know makes me appear even sadder.
What do I want?
I want to be important to somebody. I want to matter. I want to be special to someone, to be able to give something that nobody else can give. I want to be needed. Badly.
Why is this so important to me?
I’ve lived my life looking for somebody to care about what I think, to tell me right from wrong, to believe in me. I’ve screamed and screamed from the bottom of the well. I held on to those I found, I cherish them hard. But some disappears. I’m not that interesting.
Plus I’m not that pretty either.
And I see all these people that found others who cares for them. I’ve seen dozens of people who doesn’t deserve to have so much love and care, but they got it anyway. Why?
Because they look better?
I tend to think it’s because they have something to offer, regardless of what they lack. This little loser right here, however, does not. What do I have to make others interested in me, let alone care for me?
Others would say to me, “You don’t need someone else to make you happy.” And they do have a point. One can be happy with the companion of one’s self. I’ve experienced it many times. But when one feels lonely, the slap of reality comes back. You are only one. Alone.
Whether you live or die does not matter to everyone. If I die, my friends will be sad, but there will be someone to be there for them, to cheer them up. And eventually, I will be forgotten. No one is going to remember me for the rest of their lives.
What a horrible thought.
Now I remember why I don’t want to express this.
It brings out the pain from previous stabs I’ve felt in my heart whenever I was left alone.
It hurts me as I’m typing, but I can’t stop writing…
This is me, a part of me and my past that I’ve covered, but is now bursting out and killing me. It’s a cry for help, and every time I experienced one, I fear that it would be my last. And that I’d give up hope.
I don’t want to.
I still want to believe that I could someday be important to someone. But this is one of the times when I lost that belief, and this moment needs to be remembered. Just so one day, when someone has filled this hole in me, I’d remember what it feels to be alone and ignored.
I am the worst of a kind. I can say that because no one, no one, has been able to prove me wrong. All they said is “No, of course you’re not the worst, you have good things…” and stop.
A complete loser has won the argument.
Haven’t been able to express it for a while, though…
I hate myself. I’m like this one person who wants to be somebody but always ends up being nobody.
I’m not important. I am. All my life, I’m number two. Hell, I’m even the second child in my family. I guess it runs in my genes.
No wonder it’s so important to be number one for me.
I longed so much to matter. It’s really pathetic, I know. But when you live all your lives being ignored because everybody found somebody better than you, this is pretty much how you end up into.
My friend says it’s because I look up too much, and never look down.
I told him that I can hardly see anything down.
Computer science people, ever heard of a type of data structure called a stack? Any new data that enters becomes the top of stack, and therefore can be accessed first. The bottom of stack, which is the first data to be saved, can only be reached after others have been taken away.
I’m the bottom of stack. Except new things always comes around, and therefore I was never found. I’m known, I exist, but I’m not needed.
Alright, I just relate myself to a data structure, which I know makes me appear even sadder.
What do I want?
I want to be important to somebody. I want to matter. I want to be special to someone, to be able to give something that nobody else can give. I want to be needed. Badly.
Why is this so important to me?
I’ve lived my life looking for somebody to care about what I think, to tell me right from wrong, to believe in me. I’ve screamed and screamed from the bottom of the well. I held on to those I found, I cherish them hard. But some disappears. I’m not that interesting.
Plus I’m not that pretty either.
And I see all these people that found others who cares for them. I’ve seen dozens of people who doesn’t deserve to have so much love and care, but they got it anyway. Why?
Because they look better?
I tend to think it’s because they have something to offer, regardless of what they lack. This little loser right here, however, does not. What do I have to make others interested in me, let alone care for me?
Others would say to me, “You don’t need someone else to make you happy.” And they do have a point. One can be happy with the companion of one’s self. I’ve experienced it many times. But when one feels lonely, the slap of reality comes back. You are only one. Alone.
Whether you live or die does not matter to everyone. If I die, my friends will be sad, but there will be someone to be there for them, to cheer them up. And eventually, I will be forgotten. No one is going to remember me for the rest of their lives.
What a horrible thought.
Now I remember why I don’t want to express this.
It brings out the pain from previous stabs I’ve felt in my heart whenever I was left alone.
It hurts me as I’m typing, but I can’t stop writing…
This is me, a part of me and my past that I’ve covered, but is now bursting out and killing me. It’s a cry for help, and every time I experienced one, I fear that it would be my last. And that I’d give up hope.
I don’t want to.
I still want to believe that I could someday be important to someone. But this is one of the times when I lost that belief, and this moment needs to be remembered. Just so one day, when someone has filled this hole in me, I’d remember what it feels to be alone and ignored.
I am the worst of a kind. I can say that because no one, no one, has been able to prove me wrong. All they said is “No, of course you’re not the worst, you have good things…” and stop.
A complete loser has won the argument.
Tuesday
And the question remains..
Is it true that if you really love someone, you have to let them go?
If our loved one is not happy with us, as much as we tried to make them, is it wise to let them seek someone else, keeping in mind the possibility that they might not find anyone who can make them happier than you?
Which one is worse...
Trying to do your best and still doesn't make your loved ones happy, or watching other people taking them for granted?
How do we know what's right for ourselves, let alone those we care the most?
As much as we want to, are we doing our best to let them know how much we fall for them?
Someone told me that I would eventually find that one great love.
How will I know if I do, and if I did, how am I supposed to unobtrusively maintain that love?
And all in all...
Are we really caring our loved ones because we want to make them happy, or because making them happy would make us happy?
If our loved one is not happy with us, as much as we tried to make them, is it wise to let them seek someone else, keeping in mind the possibility that they might not find anyone who can make them happier than you?
Which one is worse...
Trying to do your best and still doesn't make your loved ones happy, or watching other people taking them for granted?
How do we know what's right for ourselves, let alone those we care the most?
As much as we want to, are we doing our best to let them know how much we fall for them?
Someone told me that I would eventually find that one great love.
How will I know if I do, and if I did, how am I supposed to unobtrusively maintain that love?
And all in all...
Are we really caring our loved ones because we want to make them happy, or because making them happy would make us happy?
Saturday
Argh...
So this is what it feels like to be under pressure.
Every time I got off the pains on my back, I always forgot how bad it was. That’s why I’m writing about it.
Right now I’m stuck here, with no way out, where everything I do will be a mistake for some people.
IT FEELS LIKE HELL!!!
I don’t know what to do now!! And I don’t have that much time to think about what to do anyway, because my class is waiting, and I’m not prepared for them as well!!!
At times like these I just want to leave all my belongings and run away…
It’s really strange.
We, as humans, are (supposedly) intelligent creatures. That’s why we see all these humans working and having responsibilities, thinking with reasons. Some thinks it made us a more superior creature, which allows us to underestimate other living things. This is what I called “human instinct”, and once you fall into it, there’s no way out. You’re stuck inside all these cages you formed.
As cliché as it may sound, though, we do still have our own animal instinct, to be stupid and irresponsible, or even to do nothing at all….to be completely free.
I am one that believes we are good beings because we are able to control ourselves. But sometimes I questioned, hardly, whether we could be even better creatures by being able to let go.
Every time I got off the pains on my back, I always forgot how bad it was. That’s why I’m writing about it.
Right now I’m stuck here, with no way out, where everything I do will be a mistake for some people.
IT FEELS LIKE HELL!!!
I don’t know what to do now!! And I don’t have that much time to think about what to do anyway, because my class is waiting, and I’m not prepared for them as well!!!
At times like these I just want to leave all my belongings and run away…
It’s really strange.
We, as humans, are (supposedly) intelligent creatures. That’s why we see all these humans working and having responsibilities, thinking with reasons. Some thinks it made us a more superior creature, which allows us to underestimate other living things. This is what I called “human instinct”, and once you fall into it, there’s no way out. You’re stuck inside all these cages you formed.
As cliché as it may sound, though, we do still have our own animal instinct, to be stupid and irresponsible, or even to do nothing at all….to be completely free.
I am one that believes we are good beings because we are able to control ourselves. But sometimes I questioned, hardly, whether we could be even better creatures by being able to let go.
Monday
When ego (and a bit of rebel) takes over
I am now a free female.
I am enrolled in one of the top universities in the country, studying a very promising field of carreer that will hold my back when anything else fails in the future.
I am well supported with a family that trusts me. I have a mother with a good sense of treatment, a dad with a good sense of style, a sister with broad relations and other two with excellent time management. With them I can do anything.
I have my friends around me, all types of guys that cares for me and lets me care for them, and are willing to help me in their own special ways. I'm taken care of.
I earn money with what probably is my best asset and passion, and by doing so, I have touched the lives of people I have never imagined would know so well. I have helped improve their images of self, and I am getting paid for it.
I have lived my dream, before I am 20.
I am blessed to find joy in other people's happiness, thus making me almost never entirely too unhappy to do things. Little things - the nearly-rain wind on my face, bubbles floating and sparkling peacefully, Circle K - that people ignore are dominant soothing factors for me.
In conclusion,
I have the ability to do what my heart desires, as I am most likely able to economically support it myself, find a friend to do it with, and with the help of my family, look good doing it :)
Nothing is holding me back except myself, and I am most thankful for that.
I AM FREE.
I am enrolled in one of the top universities in the country, studying a very promising field of carreer that will hold my back when anything else fails in the future.
I am well supported with a family that trusts me. I have a mother with a good sense of treatment, a dad with a good sense of style, a sister with broad relations and other two with excellent time management. With them I can do anything.
I have my friends around me, all types of guys that cares for me and lets me care for them, and are willing to help me in their own special ways. I'm taken care of.
I earn money with what probably is my best asset and passion, and by doing so, I have touched the lives of people I have never imagined would know so well. I have helped improve their images of self, and I am getting paid for it.
I have lived my dream, before I am 20.
I am blessed to find joy in other people's happiness, thus making me almost never entirely too unhappy to do things. Little things - the nearly-rain wind on my face, bubbles floating and sparkling peacefully, Circle K - that people ignore are dominant soothing factors for me.
In conclusion,
I have the ability to do what my heart desires, as I am most likely able to economically support it myself, find a friend to do it with, and with the help of my family, look good doing it :)
Nothing is holding me back except myself, and I am most thankful for that.
I AM FREE.
Thursday
Beautiful?
Everybody is beautiful in their own ways.
What kind of crap is that?
That's exactly the kind of sentences that can be made up by some low-confidence guy trying to make people like him feel better, or worse, this is made by some sex God(ess) in a desperate attempt to produce a humble response for uncountable compliments s/he might get.
OF COURSE everybody is beautiful in their own ways. But is that supposed to make us, ugly people (no offense, beautiful readers) feel better about ourselves??
Low profile of self is a tricky bussiness. It does starts from inside, when you look around and you look in the mirror and realize that you're not as "attractive" (this taken from whatever standard applied to your environment) as some other people. This grows into a full regret of self, and many many desperate attempts to conjure up a better image, or, if anything else fails, hide ourselves in the darkness. Most of the time people like this need other people to pull them away from this darkness, helping them to believe that they are just as good as any other person. The "pullers", God bless them, have to help build up the pathetic peoples' self-confidence, usually by convincing them to stop thinking about how ugly they are.
Let's stop there.
Now imagine this. You're the puller, you're saying to someone, "Come on, you're not that ugly you know..." and your friend replies, "Yeah right! Just look at my thighs, it's as big as hell, and my face has so many pimples and my ears are uneven, and don't get me started on these scars...."
What are you supposed to say?
"I think you're still beautiful....in your own way."
SEE HOW THAT CAME OUT??
What else can you say to help save your friend? It's unhealthy to have such a bad vision of self, and usually the perfect cure is compliment, and strangely, it has to be physical. And hypothetically, when you can't think of ANY good physical things your friend may possess, but you want them to feel better anyways, THE SENTENCE CAME OUT!!!
I hope by this point you have understood the crap I was referring to.
See, I'm not going to talk about how you built your own confidence. But just like bad visions come from within, the good visions has to come from within as well. People with respect for themselves say, "I am beautiful". Full stop. In more ways than one, people who think they are beautiful, usually are.
What kind of crap is that?
That's exactly the kind of sentences that can be made up by some low-confidence guy trying to make people like him feel better, or worse, this is made by some sex God(ess) in a desperate attempt to produce a humble response for uncountable compliments s/he might get.
OF COURSE everybody is beautiful in their own ways. But is that supposed to make us, ugly people (no offense, beautiful readers) feel better about ourselves??
Low profile of self is a tricky bussiness. It does starts from inside, when you look around and you look in the mirror and realize that you're not as "attractive" (this taken from whatever standard applied to your environment) as some other people. This grows into a full regret of self, and many many desperate attempts to conjure up a better image, or, if anything else fails, hide ourselves in the darkness. Most of the time people like this need other people to pull them away from this darkness, helping them to believe that they are just as good as any other person. The "pullers", God bless them, have to help build up the pathetic peoples' self-confidence, usually by convincing them to stop thinking about how ugly they are.
Let's stop there.
Now imagine this. You're the puller, you're saying to someone, "Come on, you're not that ugly you know..." and your friend replies, "Yeah right! Just look at my thighs, it's as big as hell, and my face has so many pimples and my ears are uneven, and don't get me started on these scars...."
What are you supposed to say?
"I think you're still beautiful....in your own way."
SEE HOW THAT CAME OUT??
What else can you say to help save your friend? It's unhealthy to have such a bad vision of self, and usually the perfect cure is compliment, and strangely, it has to be physical. And hypothetically, when you can't think of ANY good physical things your friend may possess, but you want them to feel better anyways, THE SENTENCE CAME OUT!!!
I hope by this point you have understood the crap I was referring to.
See, I'm not going to talk about how you built your own confidence. But just like bad visions come from within, the good visions has to come from within as well. People with respect for themselves say, "I am beautiful". Full stop. In more ways than one, people who think they are beautiful, usually are.
Monday
The joys of jobs..
Wednesday is the closing of my English class in Frisian Flag company.
Can't believe I've been doing it for three months!
Aahh, I know them all so well now..
Mr. Asep, the hard worker
Mr. Agus, the laid-back-yet-damn-smart guy
Mr. Rahmat, the father (he's, like, over 50, for goodness sake)
Mr. Kuwat, the clown (or as he requested to be called, Mr. Strong..)
Mr. Ripto, the shy-and-slow-but-actually-smart man
Mr. Simon, the slow-but-confident-and-lovable
Mr. Yanto, the scary-looking but actually very sweet man
Mr. Yus, the smart-ass...
This is crazy.
This is one of the greatest accomplishments in my life.
I mean, all these times I come there, through big rains and heat, I was damn scared at first times I went there..for God's sake I'm about to tell things to a bunch of fathers!!
And then during the heartbreak.
Those times when I would cry everytime I drive all the way from campus to the company, then held my head high and act fun for two whole hours, then cry again the way home..
Man, it was so hard!
Man, it was worth it.
The time when they try to comfort me on being dumped.
The time when somebody (I still don't know who) drew a pelican on the whiteboard and named it "duck", because I just taught them about ducks.
The time when I came late for the final exam and found them studying, with the smartest one explaining on the whiteboard. A view that's enough to warm the heart of the thickest.
Alright, so hundreds of people win awards, and thousands teach people everyday in their lives, and it's not such a big deal...hell, it is for me!
This is exactly what I expected when I applied for this job. A profound effect on myself.
I learned to think simple, because my students really don't know much outside work.
I learned to think more mature, because they worry about their sons and their parents are dying.
I learned that sometimes you do have to treat adults like children, because when it comes to learning something new, everybody's a starter.
I have a stackful of funny stories when they try to say something in English, but failed...alright, I know I'm not SUPPOSED to laugh at them, but they like it anyway.
And most importantly, I learned to tolerate people I never thought I would understand...and make them my friends.
Guys..I'll see you next term. And thanks for the gift, it does adds a thing or two in the joy of teaching you :)
Can't believe I've been doing it for three months!
Aahh, I know them all so well now..
Mr. Asep, the hard worker
Mr. Agus, the laid-back-yet-damn-smart guy
Mr. Rahmat, the father (he's, like, over 50, for goodness sake)
Mr. Kuwat, the clown (or as he requested to be called, Mr. Strong..)
Mr. Ripto, the shy-and-slow-but-actually-smart man
Mr. Simon, the slow-but-confident-and-lovable
Mr. Yanto, the scary-looking but actually very sweet man
Mr. Yus, the smart-ass...
This is crazy.
This is one of the greatest accomplishments in my life.
I mean, all these times I come there, through big rains and heat, I was damn scared at first times I went there..for God's sake I'm about to tell things to a bunch of fathers!!
And then during the heartbreak.
Those times when I would cry everytime I drive all the way from campus to the company, then held my head high and act fun for two whole hours, then cry again the way home..
Man, it was so hard!
Man, it was worth it.
The time when they try to comfort me on being dumped.
The time when somebody (I still don't know who) drew a pelican on the whiteboard and named it "duck", because I just taught them about ducks.
The time when I came late for the final exam and found them studying, with the smartest one explaining on the whiteboard. A view that's enough to warm the heart of the thickest.
Alright, so hundreds of people win awards, and thousands teach people everyday in their lives, and it's not such a big deal...hell, it is for me!
This is exactly what I expected when I applied for this job. A profound effect on myself.
I learned to think simple, because my students really don't know much outside work.
I learned to think more mature, because they worry about their sons and their parents are dying.
I learned that sometimes you do have to treat adults like children, because when it comes to learning something new, everybody's a starter.
I have a stackful of funny stories when they try to say something in English, but failed...alright, I know I'm not SUPPOSED to laugh at them, but they like it anyway.
And most importantly, I learned to tolerate people I never thought I would understand...and make them my friends.
Guys..I'll see you next term. And thanks for the gift, it does adds a thing or two in the joy of teaching you :)
Tuesday
Ah, so this is what it's like...
AAAHHHHHH....
When the world seems to turn its back on you...
Check the mail, they may be on the net
When the world seems to turn its back on you...
Check the mail, they may be on the net
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