I have a problem with chocolate.
If I ate it, occassionally (more often than not) I get these annoying headaches. But not just any headache like the one you suffer when you have a cold, these feels like all the blood in your head rise up to your brain, then you feel increasingly dizzy and you picture the veins on the side of your head (I think it's called posterior facial veins, but I'm not sure) are blocked with chocolate, and the blood flow is pushing as hard as it can to keep flowing. Then you started questioning your intelligence for consuming this substance in the first place.
So far I haven't been bothered to find out a medical explanation for this. I predicted it has something to do with cocoa, but there are some brands of chocolate I can eat with no side effects. Then I wondered if I have a problem with cheap chocolate bars, since I thoroughly enjoy Ferrero Rocher and Godiva truffles. I find this assumption highly flattering and was content with it for a while, thinking of myself as a real-life-quality-checker for chocolate. But then I found some really cheap chocolate bars I like. Then there are some that gives different effects everytime I eat them. So in the end I just gave up trying to analyse this and simply rely on my luck for the random headaches.
I'm still a big fan of chocolate, though. I find it amazing how chocolate is integrated within humanity.
Okay, I know the automatic response to this is Oh please, don't be so dramatic. But think about it. I don't think that, apart from water, there is a single substance that has the power to affect our lives in an absolute way chocolate does. In a desperate attempt to prove it, I've conjured up my own crazy assumptions on how this happens.
See, when you were a child, you love sweet things. So that's all sweet stuff : candy, lollipops, ice cream, chocolate. Then the premice goes: Children like stuff that has a bit of a gooey texture to it. That leaves ice cream and chocolate (when slightly melted). Then I assumed children would prefer things they can hold in their hand without a risk of dropping it accidentally (like when the ice cream falls out of the cone). Not to mention the satisfaction of licking the wrapper that just doesn't happen on any other sweets. Thus, children loves chocolate.
And then, you grow up. This next assumption goes mostly for women: things go so much more complicated. Suddenly your body changes (but not the way you want it), you can't talk to your parents, everything is such an upsetting drama. You wish everything would just run along smoothly, just like when you were little. Suddenly you have that urge to feel like you're a child again. As it is now impossible to whine about your problems or spend time on the playground or dance naked in the rain, how do you propose to relive those happy times? Eat chocolate. Easy.
So how would this assumption affect men? When you're in a relationship, it goes a long way when you try to understand your partner. So, aside from putting up with mood strikes, relationship talks and guessing what they really want, men also must understand that women turn to chocolate as an ultimate fix-it. Giving your woman chocolate says:
(a) You love her
(b) You're aware that she loves chocolate
(c) You understand and accepts the fact that she loves chocolate
(d) You understand that chocolate is fattening, but you're OK with that because you know how much your woman loves chocolate (additional points for showing that you don't have a problem with fat women)
(e) You accept the inner child in her that caused her to love chocolate
(f) You respect her ability to overcame all of her problems with chocolate
(g) You show your support in helping her solve her problems
so, eventually:
(h) You love her.
With that many message in one gift, and the fact that men also like chocolate when they were young, the consumption of chocolate never stops.
I also understand that chocolate does a lot of things for your health. It releases serotonin that creates a relaxing pleasure, it's aphrodisiac, it has antioxidants that help protect blood vessels, promote cardiac health, and prevent cancer. It also has been effectively demonstrated to counteract mild hypertension, and no matter what your mother tell you, it does NOT cause acne. I'd expect the announcement that chocolate cures HIV any day now.
All in all, was there ever any doubt that our seemingly-independent lives are being controlled by this substance?
As minorities always suffer, people with chocolate-related diseases like me are left to smile uncomfortably when somebody gave them a box of pralines. Who are we to challenge the power of chocolate?
This has been a very late "Happy Valentine's Day for those who's celebrating" post.
P.S : This also has been perhaps the most enjoyable post-writing process I've ever had.