Not exactly a good day. Not.
Don't get me wrong, I did some things I was proud of, I had fun with my friends, I have the house all by myself now...
But none of this matters to me, once I realize what a pointless life I've been having for some time. Pointless!!
My goal in life is to be happy. And you know what? I'm not. Thus concluding, my life has failed to reach its goal.
Allow me to wail and see if anyone can make a coherent sentence to explain this.
I spent my Friday doing meetings, which I'm getting sick of now. I don't understand why things can't just take care of their own.
Then, I went through my Friday night not being able to sleep, because I was coughing like crazy all night long. I literally kicked myself for not being able to sleep.
On Saturday I spent the whole day with my friends, laughing, working, eating together, having some talks...and at no point have I ever felt content.
How do I know about this, you say?
I ran into the sexual object of my affection today, and when we were talking I got to realise...how GOOD it felt when I first knew him. It brought back all the memories of him telling me to get over my ex and start offering free rides to other guys. I used to feel so alive that moment. I was free, I was happy, and most importantly, I was content to have someone at heart.
I had that someone whom I can be really honest with, who knows how to make me feel comfortable, who cares about me. We were never a couple, nor we ever will be, but I love him to death.
The only guy whom I can exchange "I love you"s with (to this day) and still maintain a platonic relationship.
After that one talk, I looked back at my life, and I see no one that can do this to me anymore.
I was just sitting there, making notes in that meeting, looking at all these people surrounding me,
and still I felt lonely.
(Especially when I looked around, and saw people with comfort glowing from them and people near them, and I just can't understand what kind of sin I have done not to be able to feel that way)
When I talk my opinions are heard and respected, but as I say them I looked at my friend's faces...and there was something I was looking for but could not find.
Not necessarily a guy's affection, nor a girl's tender attention, nor even some heartening appraisal. I am thankful to have all that, but I need that something...that can make me say to myself, "You know what, I have this thing with someone and it's special. So you do what you gotta do, screw the world. You'll always have this person anyways."
Content. Where did that feeling go?
Damn it, WHAT ON EARTH DID I DO THAT MADE EVERYBODY LEAVE ME ALONE?
WHY DOES EVERYBODY KEEP TURNING TO OTHER PEOPLE AND PUTTING ME ASIDE?
I'm freakin' upset for 7 hours everyday about this, and to this day, 20 years and 27 days after my birth, NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS!!! WHY CAN'T (or won't) ANYBODY SEE THAT I'M LONELY? And don't give me that "You have to open up to people" crap. If I have ever found someone whom I can talk to about this and not run away in a year or so, then I wouldn't have had this problem in the first place.
I'm not happy.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
What, you think I'm self-centered? Can you help it if you're the only person who worries about yourself?
Illness and loneliness are not a good combination.