I bet you'd never guess,
But this is the second time I cried over you this time of day.
Isn't that strange? You'd think I have better things to do at 1 AM rather than fussing over some outrageously-blown-out-of-proportion issue. Sleep, for instance. Or smoke my brains out (too bad I don't smoke). Or get hammered (too bad I don't do that either). Or get laid (nope, never done that). Or do weird stuff, get to work, surf the web, anything, ANYTHING that might be contributive to the mind and/or soul! Just never think gloomy thoughts in the middle of the night. That's the loneliest time of day.
The thing is, I don't know if it's the situation, or is it just because of the time, or maybe because I'm always insecure...but this is one of those moments where I just sat down not knowing what to do.
I don't know what to do about you.
I'm tired of bringing myself to face this over and over again. I want it to end.
I want my head to stop telling me to compare and expect. Two of the things I do way too much.
And then I began to think,
maybe this is all just a big mistake. Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten too acquaintanced with you. Maybe I should've just keep a distance, just like I do to most people, right after the fun part ends. Maybe I should have not allowed it to develop, taking it to another level, all that crap. Maybe I should've just forget about the whole thing, instead of trying to improve the relationship.
Most importantly, maybe I shouldn't have told you how I feel. I mean, I don't do that to most people I'm close with anyway. I don't know what I was thinking that time, telling you all that stuff. I mean, yeah, sure you'll be flattered, and I'm sure at the moment you felt pretty good about the whole thing.
But that's just the thing : I don't know exactly what you think about all this. I'm sure it's nice to have someone declaring their affection to you, but what if you don't feel the same way? What if you don't feel anything at all, except that you're supposed to be nice to this person who'd been so open to you?
What if you don't need someone like me to be so open to you?
What if you already have people close to your heart, and I don't fit into their quality?
Can I really be upset over that?
And you know the worst part is, I may be bawling like crazy now, but it'll all just came out here. Tomorrow I'm going to see you with a smile on my face, exchange a few greetings, then pretend to get busy because I don't want to bother you who's actually really busy. Or maybe I'm just scared you're not really busy, but you just lost interest in talking to me.
And you will never guess.
Monday
Wednesday
I'm Taking It Back to "Me" Again
I don't get compassion, at least not the way I see it being expressed. I don't know if what I see everyday is sincerity and kindness, or am I just looking at a reinterpreted version, but if that's the way people do it, then I am neither kind or sincere, let alone compassionate.
Too bad, though. I know I don't pass on as "nice", but I do care about other people. The problem is, my definition of "other people" is pretty much "people I find worth concerning about", like my friends/family/people in need of assistance.
Families and people in need are easy to define, but what's the boundary on friends? I'm not sure, just people I grew close to, really. That's a dynamic boundary, which I'm comfortable in, because the only reason I stay in a relationship is when we both make each other happy. If one of us lose the ability, thus eliminating the chemistry, it's over. Then again, if none of us ever lose it, then I'm either partially or fully enslaved by that person. And this is the kind of relationship I build with my friends, whether they realized it or not.
Well, okay. Enslaved might be too big of a word. We all do favors for our friends anyway. The reason I picked that word is because I've had some unfortunate choices of friends way back when, and these people would take advantage of me like you wouldn't imagine. Then again, now that I am (hopefully) blessed with better friends, I still sometimes feel like my friends take me for granted.
I have two reasons for this, and both eventually blame myself. First is my problem-solving nature. It goes like this: I see a troubled friend, I do what I can to help them. At the least, I give an array of solutions. This is my definition of compassion. It's a terrible thing to adopt, really, but what it does is keeping me in a pragmatic view of my peers. Consolation is an unknown term. If I fail to help solve the problem, I get frustrated myself - partly because the problem isn't solved, partly because my friend remains troubled. On general cases, though, I do a pretty good job in helping out people, and it's fair to assume that people do come to me to ask for favors. Which sometimes makes me wonder "Am I just here to find a solution?"
The second reason is my understanding of the word "favor", or lack thereof. Meaning: I'm not good in weighing appropriate favors to do for / ask from my friends. Sometimes I do too much, sometimes I expect too much. Simply put, sometimes I get upset because I am a slave of people, other times I get upset because people don't reciprocate. I just don't know to what extent can you play this relationship game, and as a result, I often lose.
I'm wondering, as I'm always wondering, whether the people I love really love me back, or am I just an object of manipulation. This leads to that big question "Why do you have to love and expect something back?"
Because being ignored is not better than being hated. Especially when it's someone you love.
Too bad, though. I know I don't pass on as "nice", but I do care about other people. The problem is, my definition of "other people" is pretty much "people I find worth concerning about", like my friends/family/people in need of assistance.
Families and people in need are easy to define, but what's the boundary on friends? I'm not sure, just people I grew close to, really. That's a dynamic boundary, which I'm comfortable in, because the only reason I stay in a relationship is when we both make each other happy. If one of us lose the ability, thus eliminating the chemistry, it's over. Then again, if none of us ever lose it, then I'm either partially or fully enslaved by that person. And this is the kind of relationship I build with my friends, whether they realized it or not.
Well, okay. Enslaved might be too big of a word. We all do favors for our friends anyway. The reason I picked that word is because I've had some unfortunate choices of friends way back when, and these people would take advantage of me like you wouldn't imagine. Then again, now that I am (hopefully) blessed with better friends, I still sometimes feel like my friends take me for granted.
I have two reasons for this, and both eventually blame myself. First is my problem-solving nature. It goes like this: I see a troubled friend, I do what I can to help them. At the least, I give an array of solutions. This is my definition of compassion. It's a terrible thing to adopt, really, but what it does is keeping me in a pragmatic view of my peers. Consolation is an unknown term. If I fail to help solve the problem, I get frustrated myself - partly because the problem isn't solved, partly because my friend remains troubled. On general cases, though, I do a pretty good job in helping out people, and it's fair to assume that people do come to me to ask for favors. Which sometimes makes me wonder "Am I just here to find a solution?"
The second reason is my understanding of the word "favor", or lack thereof. Meaning: I'm not good in weighing appropriate favors to do for / ask from my friends. Sometimes I do too much, sometimes I expect too much. Simply put, sometimes I get upset because I am a slave of people, other times I get upset because people don't reciprocate. I just don't know to what extent can you play this relationship game, and as a result, I often lose.
I'm wondering, as I'm always wondering, whether the people I love really love me back, or am I just an object of manipulation. This leads to that big question "Why do you have to love and expect something back?"
Because being ignored is not better than being hated. Especially when it's someone you love.
Monday
On Starting Over
So I was at a mall the other day (alone of course), and there was this new gorgeous jewelry stall. Looking at the owner, however, I assumed this was an expensive stall.
Now first of all, I hate it when people don’t put price tags on their products. It’s hard to believe that there aren’t more important things a store owner can do rather than calling out prices (redundantly, I might add) every time a customer is nearby. What makes this even more ridiculous is how this usually happens in an expensive place. So when a customer ask for the price of an item, it’s usually some really high price that most customers probably can’t afford anyway, and now the poor soul who asked for the price in the first place had to find a way to back off without seeming like they can’t afford the item. Of course this is especially hard because the store owner would’ve assumed that the customer was already interested in the item, since the customer had the guts to ask for the price, and would start thinking up ways to persuade the customer. So now you have an overly excited seller and a nervous buyer. At this stage, whether the customer buys the product or not, someone’s still going to leave feeling slightly betrayed. So why not avoid all the hurting and let the price tags do their job?
I’m starting to lose focus here. So anyway I was at this stall, and I was looking at this necklace that has no price tag (obviously you would’ve guessed that, why else would I be ranting on about it?). The stall’s owner was busy manhandling a customer, a woman with heavy makeup and excessive use of hairspray. First clue this was an expensive stall. I recognize who the owner is right away because he was talking excitedly about the product (very rare to see a mere store keeper do that), and he was giving away name cards with a website address on it. Second clue this was an expensive stall.
I knew the necklace I had my eye on was going to be outrageously expensive, and if I asked, I was going to have to think of a way to graciously walk away, but I was still curious anyway. Plus the woman with heavy makeup was gone and the owner was approaching me. So I decided to try something.
I asked for the price in English.
And as I don’t live in an English-speaking country, this immediately startled the owner, causing him to stutter a bit before coming up with a coherent, and English, answer. The price was indeed out of my league, so I replied with long complex sentences, which startled the owner even more. At the silence moment of him figuring out what to do next, I escaped.
Bottom line, I love those moments when you pretend to be someone else and people believe it.
Now I’ve actually done this many times before. Sometimes I pretend to be a native English speaker in places where you don’t normally speak English, so I’ll stand out and get special treatment, or I pretend to be a native English speaker in places where everybody else speak English, so I’ll blend in and not get “special” treatment. And it’s not limited in language too. Once I told a guy at this salon that I was married, and the whole time he did my hair we talked about marriage life. My biggest lie was when I told my students that I was 23 years old (when I was really 19), and for the next one year, every time I walked into that class I was a 23-year-old teacher, minutes away from my bachelor degree, with a 2-year teaching experience (when I was really a 19-year-old freshman, and this class was the second class I ever taught).
I love doing this because in a different personality, everything you normally do would seem different. Just like the case of the necklace at the stall.
Before I go any further, I’ve had some complaints saying that I acted too much and people don’t know who the real me is. This is weird because I don’t even think this is something you can complain about. Why can’t it be that the real “me” is someone who likes to play someone else? Yes, I know that this may just be a phase of identity searching and ultimately I may have to settle being just one person for the rest of my life. I know that this may also be a form of denial, where I don’t want to accept who I really am, and I’m showing signs of immaturity, as in “unnecessarily trying out weird stuff”. I understand that all these complaints are logical, and I also understand that until I find someone who can accept my “condition”, it’s going to be very hard for me to be in a relationship. Why am I suddenly talking about relationship, you ask? Because I got some of these complaints from my ex.
Anyway. Change mood back to “excited”.
The biggest fun of pretending to be someone else is watching people then form their opinion about you. I find it really funny that when you go to your class wearing tomboy clothes for one day and ultra-feminine the next, people will get confused and ask me what my style really is. I don’t understand why it confuses people that I try out different things!
All this came to mind when I was going to this conference a week ago. Conferences are particularly fun because that’s the best place to try out being a different person. Nobody knows who you are, but everybody’s eager to get to know you. Perfect.
Strangely, I didn’t have to do much to confuse people at this conference. After 24 hours a guy actually came up to me and said, “You know, at first glance I thought you were a Filipino or Malaysian (which I’m not), but then you started talking about this exotic food (which happened to come from my country), and now you’re sitting at a table that says ‘Poland’(which I did because I was accompanying my Polish friend)! So where are you from, really?”
Now I’ve never met this guy in my life, and this question shocked me for two reasons: a) I didn’t realize I was creating such a varied state of persona, which confused people, and b) I didn’t realize there are people who care so much to be confused in the first place! Apparently, there's such a big expectation of you being one person only, that when you're not, complete strangers will notice.
So you see, all of this equals fun.
Let’s take it to another level. Every time I switched to a new school, I have the chance to be a completely new person, and if I succeed, everybody in the new school will automatically assume that this is the way I’ve always been. This last bit can be quite annoying. I’m a believer that the way you evolve over the years will add depth to your personality, so if I’m assumed to have always stayed the same, it felt like I’m assumed as a shallow person. During elementary years my family’s financial condition was not excellent, and it showed, and even though it’s much better now, people I know from elementary still looked at me with a certain state in mind. I find it equally annoying that in my university, some people assumed I had always been well off since I was little, which is not only totally untrue but also made me look like I can’t live below the standard in which I’m living now.
Annoying as it is, at this point you can still have fun by doing things people wouldn’t expect “you” (the way they know you) would do...like talking knowledgeably about Dominatrix videos if you always dress conservatively. Realize that you’re most likely to have all these contradicting elements inside you. Don’t suppress the minor elements, celebrate each one of them. Show your evil / angel side periodically. When you’re good at it, show it simultaneously. Watch your friends go, “Wow, I didn’t know you’re that kind of person”.
Honey, I’m always the kind of person you didn’t expect me to be.
Saturday
Here's The Thing, Lady.
I recognize that reaction. You got that same look in your eyes as I do when I’m looking at you and him.
The truth is, a lot of people can tell you beautiful stories. You get to decide if it’s really that beautiful to hear.
Haven’t you realized this a long time ago? You can’t have it perfectly both ways. If you decided to enjoy what you have just like you’re doing right now, then you’ll never going to be that woman on top of the mountains who intimidates the hell out of everyone! And you don’t need to be that kind of woman anyway, who says life up there is better?
Why must you be jealous of people who strive for more when you’re already satisfied with your life now? They’re different from you. People who strive for more will never be satisfied with their lives now. How do you think they got their name in the first place?
I will always wish I have what you two have. That’s a fact, and that’s always a fact no matter what kind of person I turn into. I look at you and think, My God, why would you wish for anything else? You’ve got everything you’re ever going to need for the rest of your life right next to you.
And I know that sometimes you don’t think that’s enough. Sometimes, when you see people like, well, me, you’re reminded that there’s more to life to strive for than what that person next to you can give. Then you feel a little down for choosing such a....conformist way to live. Finally, after we parted ways, you left with a slight pout.
That was the end. A slight pout. Before you were looking around with a sincere smile that came from that warmth in your heart. Now you look around with a slight pout.
Wake up, honey. There’s always going to be people who do that.
Don’t let them get to you. I know you’re happy, I know you’re making someone else happy every single day. And I know that when you look at him, you’re happy. That’s something I’m still desperately yearning for, fully aware that right now I have an infinitely small probability to reach that. But as much as I want it, I know there are things I have to do in order to make my life (not necessarily yours) happier. And if doing those things means less chance for me to look for what you two have, then I’ll have to accept it and keep going, because that’s the kind of person I was born to be. Always wanting bigger things.
You realize that most people who want to fly do so because they don’t have a strong ground to stand on.
But you’re not one of them.
The truth is, a lot of people can tell you beautiful stories. You get to decide if it’s really that beautiful to hear.
Haven’t you realized this a long time ago? You can’t have it perfectly both ways. If you decided to enjoy what you have just like you’re doing right now, then you’ll never going to be that woman on top of the mountains who intimidates the hell out of everyone! And you don’t need to be that kind of woman anyway, who says life up there is better?
Why must you be jealous of people who strive for more when you’re already satisfied with your life now? They’re different from you. People who strive for more will never be satisfied with their lives now. How do you think they got their name in the first place?
I will always wish I have what you two have. That’s a fact, and that’s always a fact no matter what kind of person I turn into. I look at you and think, My God, why would you wish for anything else? You’ve got everything you’re ever going to need for the rest of your life right next to you.
And I know that sometimes you don’t think that’s enough. Sometimes, when you see people like, well, me, you’re reminded that there’s more to life to strive for than what that person next to you can give. Then you feel a little down for choosing such a....conformist way to live. Finally, after we parted ways, you left with a slight pout.
That was the end. A slight pout. Before you were looking around with a sincere smile that came from that warmth in your heart. Now you look around with a slight pout.
Wake up, honey. There’s always going to be people who do that.
Don’t let them get to you. I know you’re happy, I know you’re making someone else happy every single day. And I know that when you look at him, you’re happy. That’s something I’m still desperately yearning for, fully aware that right now I have an infinitely small probability to reach that. But as much as I want it, I know there are things I have to do in order to make my life (not necessarily yours) happier. And if doing those things means less chance for me to look for what you two have, then I’ll have to accept it and keep going, because that’s the kind of person I was born to be. Always wanting bigger things.
You realize that most people who want to fly do so because they don’t have a strong ground to stand on.
But you’re not one of them.
Allow me to raise my glass.
For the best week in my life.
Sorry, that's not quite true.
For the first week in my life, as it may had well been the first week of me feeling completely alive.
I don't want to go home!
Sorry, that's not quite true.
For the first week in my life, as it may had well been the first week of me feeling completely alive.
I don't want to go home!
Friday
Three prepared analysis and I posted this.
I've been imparting wisdom for the last 3 days.
Well, technically I've been doing that since a long time ago, but these 3 days it just had been quite intense.
So what does it feel like having people looking at you attentively, devouring your inputs, nodding and making notes (and even inquire some) as you speak?
It's fun.
I used to think that the bravest 2 words ever said are "Any questions?". It's an invitation for (normally) a bunch of people who've been listening to your words to dig deeper, re-analyze, find out more, and simply asking any inquiries they might have. Whatever it may be, ask away. Really. Really. Anything that comes up from that complex human brain, I should be able to give some insights. You might have read a whole book about it, you might be just testing, you might be really stupid or you might want to see if I'm really stupid, I challenge you. Give me a question.
Everytime I watch other people end a speech by saying "Any questions?" I panicked for them. My God, who knows if a genius had been listening and is prepared to give, simply put, the ultimate question that you don't know the answer to? You've just given a complete speech that supposedly shows how great you are! But you've worked so hard! If you can't answer a question here, your image will be ruined and your speech shall be useless!
How can you just ask them to ask anything they want?
But, I got through it.
I started realizing that I've been exposed to that kind of humiliation during my 3 years of teaching. Apparently, I think, the phrase "Any questions?" is sort of a reflex - you simply say it after you're satisfied with your speech. And yes, there had been times when I can't answer people (and I pray everyday to leave those times behind me), and that look on their face were terrible. But I survived.
The last three days (and the last year) I've been blessed with the absence of those moments and those expressions. I learned to always, always really know what you're talking about (which might explain why I'm generally quiet on small chats but an extrovert otherwise), and I learned to show the confidence of always, always really knowing what you're talking about.
And I learned that the looks of people when they learned something from what you said is rewarding enough to went through all of the above. There's hardly a better satisfaction than receiving gratitudes for helping improve other people.
This was why I wanted to become a teacher.
Sadly (well I had to reach a sad point somewhere, did you not see the aura of this blog?), the satisfaction of imparting knowledge is barely a competition to the sorrow of realizing that all your friends are off busy doing their own things, and now you're left behind. Then you started thinking if the process of building intelligence for other people had ironically made you too stupid for keeping up with your peers.
And now the days of imparting wisdom are interfered with moments of stillness,
and followed with nights of silence.
Well, technically I've been doing that since a long time ago, but these 3 days it just had been quite intense.
So what does it feel like having people looking at you attentively, devouring your inputs, nodding and making notes (and even inquire some) as you speak?
It's fun.
I used to think that the bravest 2 words ever said are "Any questions?". It's an invitation for (normally) a bunch of people who've been listening to your words to dig deeper, re-analyze, find out more, and simply asking any inquiries they might have. Whatever it may be, ask away. Really. Really. Anything that comes up from that complex human brain, I should be able to give some insights. You might have read a whole book about it, you might be just testing, you might be really stupid or you might want to see if I'm really stupid, I challenge you. Give me a question.
Everytime I watch other people end a speech by saying "Any questions?" I panicked for them. My God, who knows if a genius had been listening and is prepared to give, simply put, the ultimate question that you don't know the answer to? You've just given a complete speech that supposedly shows how great you are! But you've worked so hard! If you can't answer a question here, your image will be ruined and your speech shall be useless!
How can you just ask them to ask anything they want?
But, I got through it.
I started realizing that I've been exposed to that kind of humiliation during my 3 years of teaching. Apparently, I think, the phrase "Any questions?" is sort of a reflex - you simply say it after you're satisfied with your speech. And yes, there had been times when I can't answer people (and I pray everyday to leave those times behind me), and that look on their face were terrible. But I survived.
The last three days (and the last year) I've been blessed with the absence of those moments and those expressions. I learned to always, always really know what you're talking about (which might explain why I'm generally quiet on small chats but an extrovert otherwise), and I learned to show the confidence of always, always really knowing what you're talking about.
And I learned that the looks of people when they learned something from what you said is rewarding enough to went through all of the above. There's hardly a better satisfaction than receiving gratitudes for helping improve other people.
This was why I wanted to become a teacher.
Sadly (well I had to reach a sad point somewhere, did you not see the aura of this blog?), the satisfaction of imparting knowledge is barely a competition to the sorrow of realizing that all your friends are off busy doing their own things, and now you're left behind. Then you started thinking if the process of building intelligence for other people had ironically made you too stupid for keeping up with your peers.
And now the days of imparting wisdom are interfered with moments of stillness,
and followed with nights of silence.
Tuesday
On Mushy Things
Falling in love must be the greatest feeling there is. It just has to be. You realize it's the only phrase that describes a feeling as a noun? We have "getting mad", "being sad", "being satisfied"...even the opposite itself, "hate", is still an adjective. You say stuff like "I'm really scared" or "Is she disappointed?", but when it's love, it's "He's really in love with her". In. As if this particular feeling is not something you experience mentally, but literally got inside of.
I may be wrong on the linguistic analysis, but few would deny the first sentence.
I miss being in love. I mean, I know I throw myself to all kinds of feelings to the extreme, drama queen and all, but isn't the purpose of love to eat you alive? It's supposed to disallow your brain to be occupied by anything else in this world, because love is something you should experience a hundred percent, with nothing else coming close. Otherwise how'd you remember it well? Love should be the only feeling you remember when you look back in life.
I've fallen for some great guys before, and there were different reasons for every person. There was one for his smile (I know it doesn't sound like a reason to fall in love, but you should see his smile. I was obsessed for 2,5 years with that smile). One for his unique personality, very conventional but at the same time always on the curious side of things he's not "supposed" to know. One for his hysterical sense of humour. One for simply being one of the best friends I've ever had. And one for his passion. If I had learned anything from all this, it's this : there's no such thing as an "ideal type", personality-wise that is. What we usually hear, "Kind", "understanding", "caring", etc is people's default type. Normally your efforts are focused in trying to find one like that, but don't be surprised when you're eventually drawn to the exact opposite.
My goodness, there's just nothing like it, isn't there? Showing up wherever they show up, eagerly waiting for your dose of pleasure in seeing them again. Even when they don't notice you, knowing that any minute now they can come up to you is enough.
Even when they're not talking to you, watching their expressions is enough.
Even when they're standing next to you, feeling their presence is enough.
And with this, every night you dream of seeing them again the next day.
And of course,
even when they're not mad at you, nor sad because you, doing everything you can to make them happy again is never enough.
even when they didn't smile at you when you passed, weeks of "what did I do?" self-scrutinize is never enough.
even when they're just saying "hi" to someone else, jealousy and venting at the worst level is never enough.
How you feel every day will be fully determined by the behavior of the person you fall in love with that day. And that's a lot of power given out to somebody who may not even think of you as more than an acquaintance.
I wrote this a few years ago. It was in this story which I still think is the only one worth continuing. It wasn't written in English, but a rough translation would be something like this:
"..I decided something genuine (love) would be a great experience for me. So I allowed the feeling to stay. But unfortunately, it didn't just stay, it ran and dragged me up and down in a pace only Olympic athletes can compete. I never thought something so mushy can be so strong!"
I know it's beyond self-centered to quote yourself in your own blog, but I thought that said it pretty well, don't you?
I may be wrong on the linguistic analysis, but few would deny the first sentence.
I miss being in love. I mean, I know I throw myself to all kinds of feelings to the extreme, drama queen and all, but isn't the purpose of love to eat you alive? It's supposed to disallow your brain to be occupied by anything else in this world, because love is something you should experience a hundred percent, with nothing else coming close. Otherwise how'd you remember it well? Love should be the only feeling you remember when you look back in life.
I've fallen for some great guys before, and there were different reasons for every person. There was one for his smile (I know it doesn't sound like a reason to fall in love, but you should see his smile. I was obsessed for 2,5 years with that smile). One for his unique personality, very conventional but at the same time always on the curious side of things he's not "supposed" to know. One for his hysterical sense of humour. One for simply being one of the best friends I've ever had. And one for his passion. If I had learned anything from all this, it's this : there's no such thing as an "ideal type", personality-wise that is. What we usually hear, "Kind", "understanding", "caring", etc is people's default type. Normally your efforts are focused in trying to find one like that, but don't be surprised when you're eventually drawn to the exact opposite.
My goodness, there's just nothing like it, isn't there? Showing up wherever they show up, eagerly waiting for your dose of pleasure in seeing them again. Even when they don't notice you, knowing that any minute now they can come up to you is enough.
Even when they're not talking to you, watching their expressions is enough.
Even when they're standing next to you, feeling their presence is enough.
And with this, every night you dream of seeing them again the next day.
And of course,
even when they're not mad at you, nor sad because you, doing everything you can to make them happy again is never enough.
even when they didn't smile at you when you passed, weeks of "what did I do?" self-scrutinize is never enough.
even when they're just saying "hi" to someone else, jealousy and venting at the worst level is never enough.
How you feel every day will be fully determined by the behavior of the person you fall in love with that day. And that's a lot of power given out to somebody who may not even think of you as more than an acquaintance.
I wrote this a few years ago. It was in this story which I still think is the only one worth continuing. It wasn't written in English, but a rough translation would be something like this:
"..I decided something genuine (love) would be a great experience for me. So I allowed the feeling to stay. But unfortunately, it didn't just stay, it ran and dragged me up and down in a pace only Olympic athletes can compete. I never thought something so mushy can be so strong!"
I know it's beyond self-centered to quote yourself in your own blog, but I thought that said it pretty well, don't you?
Stay There.
Don't lose it just yet.
Only a week to go. You can do this.
Everything you've been working on all this time is about to change you. Those 2 months of solitude, arrogance, and self-scrutinize...it's about to end. It's really going to end.
It's not like you've had hell though. It was an amusing 2 months, I dare say, with a lot of luck taking charge and a bit of companionship.
But now, as it's about to end, prepare to get your life back. Your normal, peaceful, geeky life like the one you used to have. Where you only need to worry about how to prepare for exams.
And all will be well. All mistakes you've made, assignments you've left, groups you've abandoned, health treatments you've missed (dentist? What's that?), family ties you've broken, friendships you've ruined (and shred to pieces, hello people-who-no-longer-talk-to-me, yes I missed you), everything will still (hopefully) be waiting to be repaired. You get to fix them all!
In just one week.
And after that, you can have all the things you so dearly missed...and if everything were really as good as you remembered, they'll all still be there for you. And I believe they are, and with a little bit of work, you can make them last for a long time.
Of course if you can't, try to make them last at least until May 6th, where you'll be leaving them again...
Ah my dear friends. You've no idea how I miss having a full interaction with you.
Only a week to go. You can do this.
Everything you've been working on all this time is about to change you. Those 2 months of solitude, arrogance, and self-scrutinize...it's about to end. It's really going to end.
It's not like you've had hell though. It was an amusing 2 months, I dare say, with a lot of luck taking charge and a bit of companionship.
But now, as it's about to end, prepare to get your life back. Your normal, peaceful, geeky life like the one you used to have. Where you only need to worry about how to prepare for exams.
And all will be well. All mistakes you've made, assignments you've left, groups you've abandoned, health treatments you've missed (dentist? What's that?), family ties you've broken, friendships you've ruined (and shred to pieces, hello people-who-no-longer-talk-to-me, yes I missed you), everything will still (hopefully) be waiting to be repaired. You get to fix them all!
In just one week.
And after that, you can have all the things you so dearly missed...and if everything were really as good as you remembered, they'll all still be there for you. And I believe they are, and with a little bit of work, you can make them last for a long time.
Of course if you can't, try to make them last at least until May 6th, where you'll be leaving them again...
Ah my dear friends. You've no idea how I miss having a full interaction with you.
Never Thought About This Before.
There are two things about negativity that I hadn't known until about 6 months ago:
(1) In every situation, no matter how perfect it may seem, there's bound to be at least one negative way to look at it. Two if you look hard enough.
(2) Contrary to popular belief, pointing out the aforementioned negative perspective doesn't necessarily always lead to depression. When done very, very delicately and at the perfect time, it can even be something to laugh about.
Which is why, for a reason that remains to be a mystery, a person can actually be both pessimistic and hilarious at the same time.
(1) In every situation, no matter how perfect it may seem, there's bound to be at least one negative way to look at it. Two if you look hard enough.
(2) Contrary to popular belief, pointing out the aforementioned negative perspective doesn't necessarily always lead to depression. When done very, very delicately and at the perfect time, it can even be something to laugh about.
Which is why, for a reason that remains to be a mystery, a person can actually be both pessimistic and hilarious at the same time.
Saturday
What Is All This?
Why am I even doing this?
Why do I bother working for something I don't really see the feasibility of succeeding in?
Why can't I just settle in and start thinking of things that matters the most? Because I know, this isn't the ultimate thing that matters for me.
Am I really going to be satisfied, looking back?
Will I ever going to be satisfied, at all?
Why can't I just be content with I have?
Why must I push myself for more and more (and more)?
Because being ordinary is unacceptable.
Why do I bother working for something I don't really see the feasibility of succeeding in?
Why can't I just settle in and start thinking of things that matters the most? Because I know, this isn't the ultimate thing that matters for me.
Am I really going to be satisfied, looking back?
Will I ever going to be satisfied, at all?
Why can't I just be content with I have?
Why must I push myself for more and more (and more)?
Because being ordinary is unacceptable.
Monday
The sweetest thing.
I have a problem with chocolate.
If I ate it, occassionally (more often than not) I get these annoying headaches. But not just any headache like the one you suffer when you have a cold, these feels like all the blood in your head rise up to your brain, then you feel increasingly dizzy and you picture the veins on the side of your head (I think it's called posterior facial veins, but I'm not sure) are blocked with chocolate, and the blood flow is pushing as hard as it can to keep flowing. Then you started questioning your intelligence for consuming this substance in the first place.
So far I haven't been bothered to find out a medical explanation for this. I predicted it has something to do with cocoa, but there are some brands of chocolate I can eat with no side effects. Then I wondered if I have a problem with cheap chocolate bars, since I thoroughly enjoy Ferrero Rocher and Godiva truffles. I find this assumption highly flattering and was content with it for a while, thinking of myself as a real-life-quality-checker for chocolate. But then I found some really cheap chocolate bars I like. Then there are some that gives different effects everytime I eat them. So in the end I just gave up trying to analyse this and simply rely on my luck for the random headaches.
I'm still a big fan of chocolate, though. I find it amazing how chocolate is integrated within humanity.
Okay, I know the automatic response to this is Oh please, don't be so dramatic. But think about it. I don't think that, apart from water, there is a single substance that has the power to affect our lives in an absolute way chocolate does. In a desperate attempt to prove it, I've conjured up my own crazy assumptions on how this happens.
See, when you were a child, you love sweet things. So that's all sweet stuff : candy, lollipops, ice cream, chocolate. Then the premice goes: Children like stuff that has a bit of a gooey texture to it. That leaves ice cream and chocolate (when slightly melted). Then I assumed children would prefer things they can hold in their hand without a risk of dropping it accidentally (like when the ice cream falls out of the cone). Not to mention the satisfaction of licking the wrapper that just doesn't happen on any other sweets. Thus, children loves chocolate.
And then, you grow up. This next assumption goes mostly for women: things go so much more complicated. Suddenly your body changes (but not the way you want it), you can't talk to your parents, everything is such an upsetting drama. You wish everything would just run along smoothly, just like when you were little. Suddenly you have that urge to feel like you're a child again. As it is now impossible to whine about your problems or spend time on the playground or dance naked in the rain, how do you propose to relive those happy times? Eat chocolate. Easy.
So how would this assumption affect men? When you're in a relationship, it goes a long way when you try to understand your partner. So, aside from putting up with mood strikes, relationship talks and guessing what they really want, men also must understand that women turn to chocolate as an ultimate fix-it. Giving your woman chocolate says:
(a) You love her
(b) You're aware that she loves chocolate
(c) You understand and accepts the fact that she loves chocolate
(d) You understand that chocolate is fattening, but you're OK with that because you know how much your woman loves chocolate (additional points for showing that you don't have a problem with fat women)
(e) You accept the inner child in her that caused her to love chocolate
(f) You respect her ability to overcame all of her problems with chocolate
(g) You show your support in helping her solve her problems
so, eventually:
(h) You love her.
With that many message in one gift, and the fact that men also like chocolate when they were young, the consumption of chocolate never stops.
I also understand that chocolate does a lot of things for your health. It releases serotonin that creates a relaxing pleasure, it's aphrodisiac, it has antioxidants that help protect blood vessels, promote cardiac health, and prevent cancer. It also has been effectively demonstrated to counteract mild hypertension, and no matter what your mother tell you, it does NOT cause acne. I'd expect the announcement that chocolate cures HIV any day now.
All in all, was there ever any doubt that our seemingly-independent lives are being controlled by this substance?
As minorities always suffer, people with chocolate-related diseases like me are left to smile uncomfortably when somebody gave them a box of pralines. Who are we to challenge the power of chocolate?
This has been a very late "Happy Valentine's Day for those who's celebrating" post.
P.S : This also has been perhaps the most enjoyable post-writing process I've ever had.
If I ate it, occassionally (more often than not) I get these annoying headaches. But not just any headache like the one you suffer when you have a cold, these feels like all the blood in your head rise up to your brain, then you feel increasingly dizzy and you picture the veins on the side of your head (I think it's called posterior facial veins, but I'm not sure) are blocked with chocolate, and the blood flow is pushing as hard as it can to keep flowing. Then you started questioning your intelligence for consuming this substance in the first place.
So far I haven't been bothered to find out a medical explanation for this. I predicted it has something to do with cocoa, but there are some brands of chocolate I can eat with no side effects. Then I wondered if I have a problem with cheap chocolate bars, since I thoroughly enjoy Ferrero Rocher and Godiva truffles. I find this assumption highly flattering and was content with it for a while, thinking of myself as a real-life-quality-checker for chocolate. But then I found some really cheap chocolate bars I like. Then there are some that gives different effects everytime I eat them. So in the end I just gave up trying to analyse this and simply rely on my luck for the random headaches.
I'm still a big fan of chocolate, though. I find it amazing how chocolate is integrated within humanity.
Okay, I know the automatic response to this is Oh please, don't be so dramatic. But think about it. I don't think that, apart from water, there is a single substance that has the power to affect our lives in an absolute way chocolate does. In a desperate attempt to prove it, I've conjured up my own crazy assumptions on how this happens.
See, when you were a child, you love sweet things. So that's all sweet stuff : candy, lollipops, ice cream, chocolate. Then the premice goes: Children like stuff that has a bit of a gooey texture to it. That leaves ice cream and chocolate (when slightly melted). Then I assumed children would prefer things they can hold in their hand without a risk of dropping it accidentally (like when the ice cream falls out of the cone). Not to mention the satisfaction of licking the wrapper that just doesn't happen on any other sweets. Thus, children loves chocolate.
And then, you grow up. This next assumption goes mostly for women: things go so much more complicated. Suddenly your body changes (but not the way you want it), you can't talk to your parents, everything is such an upsetting drama. You wish everything would just run along smoothly, just like when you were little. Suddenly you have that urge to feel like you're a child again. As it is now impossible to whine about your problems or spend time on the playground or dance naked in the rain, how do you propose to relive those happy times? Eat chocolate. Easy.
So how would this assumption affect men? When you're in a relationship, it goes a long way when you try to understand your partner. So, aside from putting up with mood strikes, relationship talks and guessing what they really want, men also must understand that women turn to chocolate as an ultimate fix-it. Giving your woman chocolate says:
(a) You love her
(b) You're aware that she loves chocolate
(c) You understand and accepts the fact that she loves chocolate
(d) You understand that chocolate is fattening, but you're OK with that because you know how much your woman loves chocolate (additional points for showing that you don't have a problem with fat women)
(e) You accept the inner child in her that caused her to love chocolate
(f) You respect her ability to overcame all of her problems with chocolate
(g) You show your support in helping her solve her problems
so, eventually:
(h) You love her.
With that many message in one gift, and the fact that men also like chocolate when they were young, the consumption of chocolate never stops.
I also understand that chocolate does a lot of things for your health. It releases serotonin that creates a relaxing pleasure, it's aphrodisiac, it has antioxidants that help protect blood vessels, promote cardiac health, and prevent cancer. It also has been effectively demonstrated to counteract mild hypertension, and no matter what your mother tell you, it does NOT cause acne. I'd expect the announcement that chocolate cures HIV any day now.
All in all, was there ever any doubt that our seemingly-independent lives are being controlled by this substance?
As minorities always suffer, people with chocolate-related diseases like me are left to smile uncomfortably when somebody gave them a box of pralines. Who are we to challenge the power of chocolate?
This has been a very late "Happy Valentine's Day for those who's celebrating" post.
P.S : This also has been perhaps the most enjoyable post-writing process I've ever had.
Wednesday
On what's happening on The World
I worry about the Afghanistan demonstration that's going on.
I especially worry because I'm not sure which stance to take, although I know I should have taken the obvious one.
We all heard about this...freedom of expression is limited only by other people's freedom (well, it's actually "rights" rather than "freedom", but anyway). Moslems strictly prohibit the drawing of Prophet Mohammad (PBUH), then sudddenly Denmark comes out with these caricatures of him and published them on European newspapers.
Here's what I worry about: the outrage caused by this is deadly insane.
All of a sudden, thousands of people are protesting and burning Danish Flags and demanding to kill ("hang", in their exact words) the guy who drew the thing. Danish government has called this a global crisis. Even President Bush has already acknowledged it, even though the demonstration in the US is not exactly significant, and is thinking of ways to support Denmark without seeming like he just wants to kill everyone who dare caused a riot. Or maybe without the last part.
But anyway. A contradiction is maybe a little inappropriate to point out here, but this was the first thoughtful question I came up with.
Islam, as we know it, is a highly preventive religion. The regulations are done to avoid things, to try and stop it before anything happened. It's not a religion to be easily understood, having that kind of views, because what everybody else seem to think is that it's illogically, insanely preventive.
I remember this Oprah show when a Christian was set to live with a Moslem family for a month. The first thing the Moslem husband did was prohibit the Christian to stay in the house alone with the Moslem wife. It is, as some of you might know, not allowed in Islam to have a man and a woman (each is not the other's muhrim - look it up if you need to) together in one room, because when two people do so, it's believed that Satan will be the third person. I remember what the Christian guy said, "I thought it was insane...then I thought of the condition in our society now, with young teenagers having sexual relationships, and then I understood (the Moslem's) point."
The case with the cartoon is similar. Moslems don't allow any drawing of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because "they fear that it could lead to idolatry" (as you will see repeatedly in any Yahoo! News). But now the drawing is here, and the incredible riots and the violence is here, but what I keep thinking is nobody is idolizing the caricatures.
So what does that mean?
The outcome that the Moslems were trying to prevent hasn't happened yet.
But it's a really, really, ridiculously stupid thing to do to try and fiddle with sensitive religious rules in such a public way, especially if you believe that the religion is the producer of many terrorists (I bolded the "if" to show that this isn't my opinion, but might be yours). It's stupid enough to try and fiddle with religious rules in the first place.
And now Denmark faces the consequences, with Moslems throughout the world protesting against them. They look and think, "Why are they that mad?". Honestly I agree with that question. Not because I don't understand how sensitive the issue is, but because I fear that this will bring more bad reputations to Moslems, especially since people are so perplexed by the anger that they're assuming there must be something else Moslems are angry about.
So what does this all mean?
P.S: I love the part where Iran is using the "freedom of expression" argument to make a drawing competition of the Holocaust images. Man, those people are good.
I especially worry because I'm not sure which stance to take, although I know I should have taken the obvious one.
We all heard about this...freedom of expression is limited only by other people's freedom (well, it's actually "rights" rather than "freedom", but anyway). Moslems strictly prohibit the drawing of Prophet Mohammad (PBUH), then sudddenly Denmark comes out with these caricatures of him and published them on European newspapers.
Here's what I worry about: the outrage caused by this is deadly insane.
All of a sudden, thousands of people are protesting and burning Danish Flags and demanding to kill ("hang", in their exact words) the guy who drew the thing. Danish government has called this a global crisis. Even President Bush has already acknowledged it, even though the demonstration in the US is not exactly significant, and is thinking of ways to support Denmark without seeming like he just wants to kill everyone who dare caused a riot. Or maybe without the last part.
But anyway. A contradiction is maybe a little inappropriate to point out here, but this was the first thoughtful question I came up with.
Islam, as we know it, is a highly preventive religion. The regulations are done to avoid things, to try and stop it before anything happened. It's not a religion to be easily understood, having that kind of views, because what everybody else seem to think is that it's illogically, insanely preventive.
I remember this Oprah show when a Christian was set to live with a Moslem family for a month. The first thing the Moslem husband did was prohibit the Christian to stay in the house alone with the Moslem wife. It is, as some of you might know, not allowed in Islam to have a man and a woman (each is not the other's muhrim - look it up if you need to) together in one room, because when two people do so, it's believed that Satan will be the third person. I remember what the Christian guy said, "I thought it was insane...then I thought of the condition in our society now, with young teenagers having sexual relationships, and then I understood (the Moslem's) point."
The case with the cartoon is similar. Moslems don't allow any drawing of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because "they fear that it could lead to idolatry" (as you will see repeatedly in any Yahoo! News). But now the drawing is here, and the incredible riots and the violence is here, but what I keep thinking is nobody is idolizing the caricatures.
So what does that mean?
The outcome that the Moslems were trying to prevent hasn't happened yet.
But it's a really, really, ridiculously stupid thing to do to try and fiddle with sensitive religious rules in such a public way, especially if you believe that the religion is the producer of many terrorists (I bolded the "if" to show that this isn't my opinion, but might be yours). It's stupid enough to try and fiddle with religious rules in the first place.
And now Denmark faces the consequences, with Moslems throughout the world protesting against them. They look and think, "Why are they that mad?". Honestly I agree with that question. Not because I don't understand how sensitive the issue is, but because I fear that this will bring more bad reputations to Moslems, especially since people are so perplexed by the anger that they're assuming there must be something else Moslems are angry about.
So what does this all mean?
P.S: I love the part where Iran is using the "freedom of expression" argument to make a drawing competition of the Holocaust images. Man, those people are good.
Thursday
I'm back.
Back from a one-month trip that supposedly changed my life (it kind of did, actually) and definitely gave me time to think things over.
The day I went home, I chatted with my friend who told me all the cool things my other friends are doing, and as usual, this set my blood to boil.
So I think it's time to address some of my personal problems (the "death penalty" post will have to wait), those dangerous characteristics I can't get rid of:
(1) Excessive competitiveness.
The things I do unconsciously: I scrutinize other people's life, compare them with my own, and get frustrated when I'm not doing as good. And yes, there are times when I do expect other people to fail.
The weird thing is, people who are obsessed with competition are usually successful people, since they hate losing. Strangely, I'm not successful. Which leads me to my next point:
(2) Low self-respect
That's right. It's obvious from this blog that I suffer random moments of self-hatred. I don't know how this is going to go away completely (especially since I keep losing to other people), but since I don't feel this way all the time (in fact most of my friends who knew me for the recent year would tell you I love myself a tad too much), maybe it's not so crucial. I have this blog to throw all that in anyway.
(3) Carelessness
This is the one ugly thing I have and seem to enjoy. Let me explain.
You know those things girls do to their friends? Like asking if you've had lunch yet at 3 PM, and if you said no they get worried and insist you to eat. I really can't be bothered to do those things. I understand that people do it because they care about each other, but good God, there's a fine line between "caring" and "doting". If you left a happy, healthy 20-year-old woman in a mall to wander alone for an hour, she will live properly. You don't have to spend your time worrying or telling her to call you once she got home. It's not necessary. No. No. Open that "you're so mean" curtain on your head and let your brain do the logic: It's not necessary. I'm not being mean, I'm careful in not giving too much compassion. I only pick real reasons to pay extra attention to:
a. Things that involve real danger (like walking on the street or driving at night alone, taking TB medicines on time)
b. Things that upset people (heartbreaks, death of someone, etc.)
c. Things that men do because of their values..and society expectation (giving your seat to old people or your girlfriends, escort less-physically-competent people to cross the street)
(4) The whole "drama queen" vs "I am not amused" thing.
I seem to get excited only for things I chose to be exciting. Mostly I get excited for small things : a bubble, which will always remain my number one excite factor, food that hit the spot, anything I bought (I've the habit of sleeping with my new belongings on the night of purchase - sort of like a christening). But when I see things that are not amazing (to my senses), I can't pretend to be excited. It's an "all-or-nothing" attitude which, unfortunately, made me look like a snob at most times.
I'll make an example. I like funny people. I mean I really love them in all way possible. Tell me something funny and you will not be disappointed by my response. Sadly, only a handful of people have that talent to be funny. And whenever I see someone trying to be funny, but failed, I really can't give so much as a polite laugh. To me, zero response is better than fake ones.
So. Like I said, a month away really gave me a lot of time to think things over(sighs dramatically)...aaand I admit that I still celebrates things that are not worth celebrating (confession tone). But hey. How many of us can elaborate our own flaws this thorough?
The day I went home, I chatted with my friend who told me all the cool things my other friends are doing, and as usual, this set my blood to boil.
So I think it's time to address some of my personal problems (the "death penalty" post will have to wait), those dangerous characteristics I can't get rid of:
(1) Excessive competitiveness.
The things I do unconsciously: I scrutinize other people's life, compare them with my own, and get frustrated when I'm not doing as good. And yes, there are times when I do expect other people to fail.
The weird thing is, people who are obsessed with competition are usually successful people, since they hate losing. Strangely, I'm not successful. Which leads me to my next point:
(2) Low self-respect
That's right. It's obvious from this blog that I suffer random moments of self-hatred. I don't know how this is going to go away completely (especially since I keep losing to other people), but since I don't feel this way all the time (in fact most of my friends who knew me for the recent year would tell you I love myself a tad too much), maybe it's not so crucial. I have this blog to throw all that in anyway.
(3) Carelessness
This is the one ugly thing I have and seem to enjoy. Let me explain.
You know those things girls do to their friends? Like asking if you've had lunch yet at 3 PM, and if you said no they get worried and insist you to eat. I really can't be bothered to do those things. I understand that people do it because they care about each other, but good God, there's a fine line between "caring" and "doting". If you left a happy, healthy 20-year-old woman in a mall to wander alone for an hour, she will live properly. You don't have to spend your time worrying or telling her to call you once she got home. It's not necessary. No. No. Open that "you're so mean" curtain on your head and let your brain do the logic: It's not necessary. I'm not being mean, I'm careful in not giving too much compassion. I only pick real reasons to pay extra attention to:
a. Things that involve real danger (like walking on the street or driving at night alone, taking TB medicines on time)
b. Things that upset people (heartbreaks, death of someone, etc.)
c. Things that men do because of their values..and society expectation (giving your seat to old people or your girlfriends, escort less-physically-competent people to cross the street)
(4) The whole "drama queen" vs "I am not amused" thing.
I seem to get excited only for things I chose to be exciting. Mostly I get excited for small things : a bubble, which will always remain my number one excite factor, food that hit the spot, anything I bought (I've the habit of sleeping with my new belongings on the night of purchase - sort of like a christening). But when I see things that are not amazing (to my senses), I can't pretend to be excited. It's an "all-or-nothing" attitude which, unfortunately, made me look like a snob at most times.
I'll make an example. I like funny people. I mean I really love them in all way possible. Tell me something funny and you will not be disappointed by my response. Sadly, only a handful of people have that talent to be funny. And whenever I see someone trying to be funny, but failed, I really can't give so much as a polite laugh. To me, zero response is better than fake ones.
So. Like I said, a month away really gave me a lot of time to think things over(sighs dramatically)...aaand I admit that I still celebrates things that are not worth celebrating (confession tone). But hey. How many of us can elaborate our own flaws this thorough?
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