I'm sorry.
As many times as you've heard it from me, I still am. I should be a better friend. And I know you're disappointed at me, because you thought I'm bigger than this. I've seen how you expected certain reactions from me, and it kills me that I can't give them.
I can't be happy for you, and what's more, I don't seem to have a proper reason for it.
I thought hard about it, as you taught me to, and so far I've come out with:
a. I'm just being a big brat who can't accept changes.
b. I'm jealous of her, because I've known her my whole life, and she's always been
ahead of me. There is not a single man who knows both of us and likes me better
than her. She even managed to win your heart in less time it takes for me to be
your friend - without doing anything.
c. You're a really special person to me, and I'm too afraid to lose you. I know you
said you'd still be my teacher and my friend, and I really want to believe it.
It's just that I've heard this from a lot of guys, and it never happened. Don't
blame them - why stick with a friend when you have an amazing girlfriend who can
also be your friend?
d. Seeing someone receiving something I've always dreamed of but never get is
killing me. I guess it slaps me as, "Y'know they keep saying you're a good
person, and yet nobody wants to be with you. Some great people thinks quite high
of you, and even these people would rather choose someone else. So there must be
something wrong with you!"
I don't know which one is the real reason, I don't even know if the real reason was listed, but all above is true. Everything in this writing is true. I really am THAT horrible of a person.
By the way, you are aware that I have no romantic feelings towards you whatsoever, don't you?
And you also understand what I mean when I say I love you.
I really, really wish I can tell you how happy I am for you. But I can't lie to you - and I know as much as you're disappointed at me, you also want me to be perfectly honest. The truth is, it hurts me to hear you talking about her, to see you and her together. And I'm serious when I say it hurts.
God, I HATE THIS!! Everything would be so much easier, as it's supposed to be, if my selfishness would stay away from the bussiness for just once. For GOD'S SAKE, it's not even about ME, this is about YOU finding a GIRL you LIKE. Why can't I, who's supposedly a friend, supporter and protégé, just BE HAPPY about it??
I'm not satisfied with my reasons yet. I'll have to dig deeper.
You're right, it's eating me real bad. Oh man, if only I can tell you about the nights! Times when I'd lay there staring bug-eyed at my sheet as logic and feelings both fight for their existence, my heart pounding so bad it scares me. And how I lost my breath whenever the facts slapped on to reality. Guilt. For the first time since I broke up with my ex, I'd wake up from a two-hour sleep with a damp pillow and a bad migraine.
If you'd known about all this, you'd laugh, I bet.
The nights are always the worst times, probably because I'm alone and can't think straight. It's amazingly irrational - not to mention painful - and the morning will come when I would be astonished at how stupid I was reacting all night. And believe me, I'm always looking forward to those mornings.
I look forward to the time I can be a better friend for both of you. I can promise I'll try to be, but I can't promise anything more. And for that, once again, I'm sorry.