I bet you'd never guess,
But this is the second time I cried over you this time of day.
Isn't that strange? You'd think I have better things to do at 1 AM rather than fussing over some outrageously-blown-out-of-proportion issue. Sleep, for instance. Or smoke my brains out (too bad I don't smoke). Or get hammered (too bad I don't do that either). Or get laid (nope, never done that). Or do weird stuff, get to work, surf the web, anything, ANYTHING that might be contributive to the mind and/or soul! Just never think gloomy thoughts in the middle of the night. That's the loneliest time of day.
The thing is, I don't know if it's the situation, or is it just because of the time, or maybe because I'm always insecure...but this is one of those moments where I just sat down not knowing what to do.
I don't know what to do about you.
I'm tired of bringing myself to face this over and over again. I want it to end.
I want my head to stop telling me to compare and expect. Two of the things I do way too much.
And then I began to think,
maybe this is all just a big mistake. Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten too acquaintanced with you. Maybe I should've just keep a distance, just like I do to most people, right after the fun part ends. Maybe I should have not allowed it to develop, taking it to another level, all that crap. Maybe I should've just forget about the whole thing, instead of trying to improve the relationship.
Most importantly, maybe I shouldn't have told you how I feel. I mean, I don't do that to most people I'm close with anyway. I don't know what I was thinking that time, telling you all that stuff. I mean, yeah, sure you'll be flattered, and I'm sure at the moment you felt pretty good about the whole thing.
But that's just the thing : I don't know exactly what you think about all this. I'm sure it's nice to have someone declaring their affection to you, but what if you don't feel the same way? What if you don't feel anything at all, except that you're supposed to be nice to this person who'd been so open to you?
What if you don't need someone like me to be so open to you?
What if you already have people close to your heart, and I don't fit into their quality?
Can I really be upset over that?
And you know the worst part is, I may be bawling like crazy now, but it'll all just came out here. Tomorrow I'm going to see you with a smile on my face, exchange a few greetings, then pretend to get busy because I don't want to bother you who's actually really busy. Or maybe I'm just scared you're not really busy, but you just lost interest in talking to me.
And you will never guess.