On remorse and regrets

I was cleaning up my inbox just now (an equivalent to tidying your attic - I proudly say that representing not just geeks, but the whole modern world. Admit.), and around the third page I found the email announcing I've been accepted to take part in ESWiL, which is a youth conference held in Poland.

I hesitated. That seems like so long ago.

I should've known it was coming, since I've erased the emails following that one, about the visa, the travel grant, the unbelievable venting in lack of professionalism...all the headache I had to put up with for something I didn't even go to.
I remembered when I got that email. I've been waiting for it for what seems like forever, performing my tough-senior-on-newbies-orientation duty in agony. I almost gave hope, since I haven't heard from them for so long. Then that day, I just finished a meeting, I decided to stick around in campus and check my mail.
The subject "ESWiL-You have been accepted" was pretty self-explanatory - I managed not to scream as the lab was very, very quiet, but several seconds passed in cloud nine. It was unreal.

Once I got to the ground again, I looked for the nearest person I know and eagerly told him. The second thing I did was post an ecstatic message in my local online forum. (Yes, I'm THAT geeky)

I didn't regret not going to Poland. It was my decision, which is different from the one-year-program case back in high school (which I still suffer random remorse attacks about). But the similarities made it kind of difficult to accept. I had two chances of going out there and see what the world offers, and I turned both down. Is that being considerate or stupid? Was it really about being realistic (the organizers are impossible) or was it about taking chances?
Some says I'll get another chance. Will I really, and if I do, how will I know I won't turn it down again?

A good thing came up, though: I realized the chances I get are getting better. First it was an AFS-like program where I have to pay pretty much everything. Then it was the Poland conference that will feed and facilitated me FULLY for TWO WEEKS with 25 Euro. That's astonishingly cheap, even my dad had doubts in my rejection since it was so cheap.
I'm trying to find a scholarship in Australia now. I treated it the way I treated my wishes that have come true before, and I expect success out of it. But I don't know what will happen.

Who knows, maybe in the third, fourth, maybe fifth chance, I'll get one where it fits me perfectly, and I'll finally be able to make my lifelong dream come true?
Who knows?

Refresh.

Aahhh.
Most people I know would think that the title refers to what you do when you press Alt + F5.
But what I actually meant was what happened to me that weekend.
I felt refreshed.
I didn't expect to feel that way while watching Susan Sarandon in her lingerie kissing a woman, but that was what happened. Let me start over.
A few weeks ago there was this film festival in my town, one that shows gay movies. Not surprisingly, I went with the two most appropriate men to go with: a gay guy and the sexual object of my affection.
The moment I walked in that place, I knew I was in for something I've never encountered before. And by that time, it was EXACTLY what I needed. Something new and fresh.
There were only two women in that room including myself, and I looked around enjoying the rare feast for my eyes. Men exchanging moist little smacks. Men in pairs. Foreign men. The ambience was set for a clubbing night, with beers and lights everywhere, and yet there was this silence and darkness like you would expect in a cinema. The place had this whole mysterious impression, like you're going to get sucked inside and never get out. Even the bathroom, the darkest most exotic bathroom I've ever been in, makes you feel like you're in a whole other world.

Then the movie starts.

That, my friends, slapped me with the fact that some people would just make pointless movies and any eager upcoming Hollywood actress would gladly take part.
I would've said this was the most pointless movie I've ever seen, except that I've seen worse ones (I really should stop watching independent French movies).

Nevertheless, I was witnessing something I never thought existed. Not just the movie, but the whole ambience, like I said before, was something very new to me. I felt like I was washed out and turned into a whole different person.

So then this whole different person and her friends went out to eat. We were talking, particularly about the subject relevant to the movie we just saw. Then another shock came.
The sexual object of my affection (I really enjoyed calling him that), the guy who can turn me on just by showing up, told me that he had had experience dating guys before.
I was beyond shocked. I was so used to my other favorite sexual object being such a homophob, I automatically thought all unbelievably hot guys are like that. But here was the ultimate alpha male, happily blurting out the opposite.

"Why?" I asked.
"Because", he said, "you wouldn't know which fits the best if you haven't tried both, now would you?"

And I couldn't help thinking, hmmm. He had a point.
Now while I was busy thinking about that point, out came the question:

"So why aren't you a lesbian?"

It took me some time to think before I answered it, and thankfully he was satisfied with the answer. But the answer would generate a whole other post, because this one's already long enough. I'll write that down later.
Anyway, giving him a satisfactory answer was something I rarely accomplish, and for that I felt even more refreshed.

Damn it and the whole damn wide universe

Not exactly a good day. Not.
Don't get me wrong, I did some things I was proud of, I had fun with my friends, I have the house all by myself now...

But none of this matters to me, once I realize what a pointless life I've been having for some time. Pointless!!
My goal in life is to be happy. And you know what? I'm not. Thus concluding, my life has failed to reach its goal.

Allow me to wail and see if anyone can make a coherent sentence to explain this.
I spent my Friday doing meetings, which I'm getting sick of now. I don't understand why things can't just take care of their own.
Then, I went through my Friday night not being able to sleep, because I was coughing like crazy all night long. I literally kicked myself for not being able to sleep.
On Saturday I spent the whole day with my friends, laughing, working, eating together, having some talks...and at no point have I ever felt content.

How do I know about this, you say?

I ran into the sexual object of my affection today, and when we were talking I got to realise...how GOOD it felt when I first knew him. It brought back all the memories of him telling me to get over my ex and start offering free rides to other guys. I used to feel so alive that moment. I was free, I was happy, and most importantly, I was content to have someone at heart.
I had that someone whom I can be really honest with, who knows how to make me feel comfortable, who cares about me. We were never a couple, nor we ever will be, but I love him to death.

The only guy whom I can exchange "I love you"s with (to this day) and still maintain a platonic relationship.

After that one talk, I looked back at my life, and I see no one that can do this to me anymore.
I was just sitting there, making notes in that meeting, looking at all these people surrounding me,
and still I felt lonely.
(Especially when I looked around, and saw people with comfort glowing from them and people near them, and I just can't understand what kind of sin I have done not to be able to feel that way)

When I talk my opinions are heard and respected, but as I say them I looked at my friend's faces...and there was something I was looking for but could not find.
Not necessarily a guy's affection, nor a girl's tender attention, nor even some heartening appraisal. I am thankful to have all that, but I need that something...that can make me say to myself, "You know what, I have this thing with someone and it's special. So you do what you gotta do, screw the world. You'll always have this person anyways."
Content. Where did that feeling go?

Damn it, WHAT ON EARTH DID I DO THAT MADE EVERYBODY LEAVE ME ALONE?
WHY DOES EVERYBODY KEEP TURNING TO OTHER PEOPLE AND PUTTING ME ASIDE?
I'm freakin' upset for 7 hours everyday about this, and to this day, 20 years and 27 days after my birth, NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS!!! WHY CAN'T (or won't) ANYBODY SEE THAT I'M LONELY? And don't give me that "You have to open up to people" crap. If I have ever found someone whom I can talk to about this and not run away in a year or so, then I wouldn't have had this problem in the first place.

I'm not happy.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.

What, you think I'm self-centered? Can you help it if you're the only person who worries about yourself?

Illness and loneliness are not a good combination.

It Was You.

You were the reason I made this blog. And the other one. And post on the one on campus. Guess what? People like it. I have a lot of people saying they like my thoughts, that they find them amusing and enlighting.

You were behind me ever since the start of my job. You're the one who always said, "You're not a kid anymore, you're an adult! You have a carreer!" That got me through. Two years, a raise, and a promotion.

You got me thinking about things I never thought I could think about. You triggered my brain to work, you introduced me to a thing called "serious discussion". I turned to debating because of you. I won two championships, sweetheart. You made me this way.

The thing is, I never can understand why you do these things in such cold approaches.
That was it, wasn't it? That was the basic difference that sets us apart. I can't bring myself to believe that you actually wanted to help me. You can't bring yourself to understand why I could prioritize things so unproportionally.

I read something you wrote, something that was once very personal to you. I don't know why you'd put it up for everyone to read, but I was very, very surprised to see you opening up. And you know what? I felt a little pride in here. Look at you, allowing people to see what's on your mind and all. You stepped out of that "loner" image!
We both have very different paths of life. It was something I learned on my own, you're a brilliant man, but you have your own way, enlightening others who pass ways with you. You will not be thoroughly understood by many, including myself, but your amazing perception will always make people look up to you.

You made people learn so much. No doubt you are one of the greatest people I've met during my short life...and I thought, I really thought, I could be a part of this. I thought I could step into your views and introduced you to my own. I thought I have the capability to create an impact on you.

But I was wrong. Instead, I hurt you like no woman has ever done before.

And now, when it's all over, I looked behind my shoulder and saw you happy....and I was happy.
I wished, like I've never wished before, that you would remember me even a fraction of how I remember you.
I wished, and I knelt praying, that I could meant something to you.
I may never know this, I may never know what you think of me, but my worst fear of all.....
my deepest fear is to know that you regret having known me at all.
That you thought I was the biggest mistake in your life.

Just the thought of this stabbed myself so hard, I can't think of senseful sentences to continue this with.
Why. Did I have to lose you. That way.

God, are you listening to me? Please, I beg You, make our time together worthwhile for him. Even just for the smallest bit You can manage.

Tonight, for the first time in months, I cried for you. For losing you.

It was you. You helped me to all this...and this is all for you.

Why English?

This place was not meant to be seen. I wrote a lot of really personal posts here, things that might shock my peers & acquaintances. That's why I don't put my real name / age / gender (though you might've assumed, dear readers, that I am a female). That's also why I never put any links here. I don't want people to know who I know, or sites I'm most likely to be at. I wanted it to be completely anonymous and impersonal, to make up for the personal things I write. You won't even know what country I'm in.

Now, I realize that this is quite self-centered of me, being all isolated as if someone actually cares to find out who I really am, but hey. We all want to feel important.

So anyway. After a few while, the site leaked to some of my friends, and I thought, "Oh well, it's on the internet, people should see it", so I let them see it. But then I began to receive some complaints, "Why do you have to write it in English? It's harder to understand that way! I don't know what you're saying!" (there you go, another hint. I don't live in an English-speaking country). Most of the times I just replied with a smile.
It's actually because I felt more comfortable expressing myself in this language.
Go ahead, judge me as a Westernist. I don't care. I do feel a lot more comfortable writing English. I was taught for five years to get accustomed to it, and I'm not going to throw it all away. I don't care how people say I'm just trying to show off, people who say that obviously overestimated my skills, not knowing the occassional horror I suffer from the typos and grammatical errors in this blog. The fact is, my brain mostly works in English (obnoxious as it may sound). It's not something I do intentionally, just so happens that I'm more cut out for this language than my own mother's.
So there.

The language (or the ludicrous behaviour) throws you off? Don't read this blog. Like I said, this place was not made to be seen publically.

Speaking of writing, I haven't posted anything about stuff other than Yours Truly these days. My brain's starting to get numb. Have to work, quick.

I see the signs.

Having experienced it many times before, I know when someone could use a break from interacting with, well, me. I'm quite a handful to deal with anyway.

Today, I see the signs again. And I got it.
So I'll try, as much as I could allow myself, to pull away. Keep a distance. Cold shoulder and everything.
If there's anything I could do, I'd do it for my friends. So if they see something in me that they're uncomfortable with, and they decide maybe I'm not so worthy of hanging out with anymore, so be it.
I just keep regretting all the things I do that makes them uncomfortable with me in the first place.

I am a pleaser. That's just what I do. It crushed me to see someone unhappy and I'd try to do anything to cheer them up...unfortunately, I'm not very good at it.

From the jabbering above you might be able to make out that I'm in quite a fragile mood right now.
The fact is, I am and will continue to be for the rest of the week...or even until Tuesday.
Let's see how well I could cover this whole thing up.

A light at the end of the tunnel.

Alright.
My dear man (you know, the man I referred to in the last post. I'm just gonna call him "my mentor" from now on, since that's what the job's actually called) had me coming to work today, and we had a little talk about the benefits & duties of being a mentor.

You know what? It's pretty cool.

Because I get paid even better than I already had, and the duties are stuff that I've always wondered how to do, like listening to other teacher's session on tape, reading reports instead of making them, stuff like that. And he told me to come on Friday, when he'll be coming to a company class and conduct an oral survey. Basically he gets to ask the students what they really thought about their teacher and distribute chocolate and name cards while the teacher waits outside, nervous and increasingly panicked. For half hours' talk (not work), he gets paid as much as a teacher's 2-hour work.

He (and I would) also gets to do other cool stuff like giving workshops or random quizzes to other teachers, and go to a management meeting to "discuss" other teachers...and get paid for a holiday every year.
And the coolest of all, I get to pick the classes I want! Now I can teach these exotic classes like the Shangri-La or Regent ones that I've always wanted to teach.

But, of course, there are some tough things I'm still really nervous about, like helping other teachers solve their problems (WHOA there),
being responsible over teachers' quality,
getting involved in company decision-making,
and, most of all, showing to everyone (mostly myself) that I deserved this job.

I'm starting to calm down about this. Gradually.

P.S: My mentor told me he was freaked out too when he was first appointed. Which reminds me, I'm still quite upset about him leaving (because his new job's in travelling, so I won't be seeing as much of him). Seriously, I'm gonna miss him. He's a really good friend, a hell of a fun to be with, a little bit more special than any other guy friends I have. He has this really cool individual clothing style, too. When we finished today's talk about this mentor thing, I showed him these earrings I just bought, and he was not only interested, but also provide some fashion tips.
Where the hell am I going to find a guy like that?
Argh, this is too much of a change..

I don't believe this.

So. I've always enjoyed being self-centered and boastful in this blog, but this particular post is one where I really actually am freaked out over these days' past blessings.

The place where I teach provides me with a guardian angel (in a form of a fairly attractive man). I've been with him ever since I first entered the place, he trained me to be a teacher and made sure I don't screw up in class. It's rather comforting to know you have somebody you can turn/ask/wail/look for solution to whenever there's a problem, class-wise.

And then, suddenly it happened.
Yesterday I was happily driving along the road when my manager called.
Turns out my dear guidance is quitting, and she wanted me to replace him.
This means I have to be responsible to made sure other teachers don't screw up in class, and I have to train newbies. Modify them into qualified teachers that my company can proudly sent out.
This is a great honor and I should be really, really flattered and thankful.

But here's the thing.
I'm not ready for this yet!!

I'm too young for this. I'm not that good yet. Really. I mean, I still hand in my reports late. I still come to class without preparation. I still get static uncomfortable moments in my classes.
This new task, though exciting and very, very cool, is really intimidating and I'm not handling the challenge very well.
I really don't think I'm the best person for this job. Don't get me wrong, this is something I've always wanted, ever since I started working there. But I do know that I have to reach a certain level first and I'm just not there yet.
This is crazy.

I remember writing this post when I said I've reached one of my dreams (being a teacher) before I'm 20. At that time being offered to guide other teachers was merely a glimpse of a dream. Now I find myself reaching that dream, and guess what?
I'm still not 20 yet! (Had this offer been given three weeks later, this post would not have existed).
I'm nineteen years old. The label "teenager" can still be put upon me. I'm just a kid. I watched Nickelodeon and Disney Channel whenever I have free time. I fascinate over floating soap bubbles. I relate myself to Chandler Bing.
I'm too young to be imparting wisdom to other people!

I know I'm supposed to be grown up and accept this change as an enlighting experience. I know I'm supposed to gloat and tell all my friends about it and start counting the extra money I'll get.
But, quoting a Cathy comic, are any of us ever prepared to watch our dreams came true?

A little something I'd like to pass on.

I had two reasons to write this post: to work up what had been given to me by a devil and as a clarification to a friend in case I explained it in a rather biased way the other day. Smart people should not be misinformed.

What I'm actually making all this shanannigan (oops, there I go again) for is to talk about prejudice.

I'll tell you what I think it is. It's something you do to people whom you're not comfortable with. You pre-judge them. And since you're not comfortable with them, the verdict is not beautiful.
What prejudice does is bringing you to a state of nowhere, where you just cringe at and bitch about someone's behavior. It keeps you from actually understanding why this particular someone might have this kind of behavior in the first place, and you end up making further accusations on how horrible the person is.
In short, think of prejudice as a really, really, bad first impression.

I absolutely loathe prejudice.
I had to live all my child years in it. It was the thing that crumbled me.

There is no logical reason to have prejudice on someone or something. People with painfully narrow minds just do that. It's what they do to things that are outside their safe circle of knowledge.
Some people, as hard as it is to believe, gets confused when they see something new and unusual. Some people don't handle unique things very well, and the easiest way to stop this uncomfortable sense of unknownness is to give a "bad" label. Then you can simply shove it out of the way, because if something's "bad" then there's really no sense in having to understand it, right?

How the hell are we supposed to learn new things then?

Look around you. People are saying, "Things are not what they seem" or "Don't judge a book by its cover" or "I believe people are generally nice" (one of the sickest sentence I heard that actually came out from someone I know) and yet these are the same people who scoffs at other people who smoke pot. Or is not afraid to kiss in public. Or loves Marilyn Manson style.
I mean, jeez! How fake (and stupid) can you be?
How can people do something like that to somebody they don't even know??
I'm disgusted just by thinking of it.

And you know, the weirdest thing is that prejudice benefits absolutely no one and people still do it. For God's sake, even beating people up creates at least pleasure for the jerk who did it. That's why they keep doing it, because it makes them feel better. Try judging someone a jackass and see how much better you'll feel.
Nada.
And you get stupider because you'll never experience that thrills of learning new things about people.

Now please, hear me out. Don't let prejudice stop you from being educated. It is by any extent the worst thing you can do to a stranger. No. Sorry. The worst thing you can do to ANYONE. When you see something you 're not accustomed to, look again. Try looking it in some other way. Look as hard as you can until you can get an informed conclusion on the occurrence. Discuss with the (gasp) "perpetrators". They'll be happy to explain what you might fail to understand. Then see how this piece of story would affect you. In even the most monotonic story of life, there has to be at least 10% that you never heard of. Make a good use of it. Tell it to other people, if necessary. See how much wiser you've gotten?

Everyone has their own story. Aren't you just fascinated to learn all of them while telling your own?
Stop being uncomfortable and start embracing.

Those words.

Probably the most thrilling four sentences I've read ever since I met the man that stole my heart.

When I read them, inside I absolutely shivered.
The chills.
That tingling feeling on my spine, rising up to my head and taking me away from reality for a moment.
The way those words made me kneel and pray that I had something to do with them.
How I wish...that those words were meant for me.
It was beautiful.

As the words flow, I stopped breathing. And start trembling, in and out. I let my emotion take me over....my immense yearning for affection screamed.

For a moment, nothing else matters in this world except to be loved.

I didn't know I could ever felt like that ever again. I really didn't.

Tonight,
All my memories arise.
The feelings I've had.
People I've fancied and loved.
People I've loved.
Everything's just...surreal!
The fresh smile of an old crush,
the agony as my ex come and go,
the chills of a brilliant sensation.

The chills.
This is exactly how powerful words are.

If I wasn't falling for him before, I definitely am now.

Dear diary,

The silence of that memorable night was perfectly amplified by the empty, spacious parking lot where my car was resting.

Gradually I moved in, closing the door beside me,
effortlessly turning the keys in its rightful slot.

Together with the hum of the machine, my mind wanders in a slow tune. Thinking.
About life.
About future.
About my preparation for it.

The exact second when all of it was rumbling through my brain, straining it to its fullest capacity,
Just before I allowed myself to be seduced in doing things I would never have done in my regular sanity,

A face hit my window.
Shocked, my reflex was yelling to me to start yelling...so I did.

But as all things go, the brain overcomes the heart, and I began to realize the familiarity of that face.
Doubtfully, still taken aback, I opened the window.

The face smiled.
So I invited him in.
He said, “I can’t do that.
But here’s something that might help ease your mind.”

Five minutes later, he left. Disappearing suddenly, like most miracles do, after allowing me to overcome my problem.
After he left,
I drove away. With a smile and a floating heart, light as a feather.

Shoot.

I'm losing someone.

I am losing someone.

Just when I was reaching out. JUST when I started to let loose.
Just when I was opening up.
The person is pulling away from me.

I no longer have something to look out to. The one I had (barely anyways, but still a hint of it) just isn't working.
I don't know what I did wrong.
I'm scared.

Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life?

Normal..

..was the title of this movie by HBO I saw the other day.
It was really, really out-of-the-top shocking.

In case you haven't seen it, allow me to fill you in on the story:
A happily married couple (25 years, two children) was put on a real shaker when the husband (delicately played by Tom Wilkinson) confessed that he wants to switch gender. He wants to be a female. Really. And I don't mean just look like one, he wants a full transformation, with hormone injection and surgery and everything.
Needless to say (but I'm still gonna say it anyway), it blew everybody away. The church can't have it. The parents hated it. The children thought it was insane (actually, the teenage daughter kind of liked it, and at one scene even compared breast sizes with his dad. Oh my Lord). And the wife was just NOT accepting it well. To top all of this, he had to face this while still being trapped in a man's body. Why can't everyone see that he just wants to be happy? He's not harming anyone. He still loves his family, he still love his wife, he still love God. Is the price of finding yourself at the fullest worth losing everybody else?

Let's switch p.o.v to the wife here. Personally, anything she did to keep his husband from doing it can pass on as understandable. I mean,
The person she married and had sex with for the last 25 years wants a female genitalia. It was just plain WEIRD. It's like she can no longer respect him as a life partner (because that would make her a lesbian), and for the love of God, she can't even think of him as a person anymore. He's not...normal. Why can't he act like the man she fell in love with?

But, eventually, the wife gives in. They're both still madly in love with and can't live without each other, blah blah blah, and so it ends with a happy life of two women.
Alright, I heard stories like this all the time. Woman trapped in a man's body. I've actually grown to accept it, provided it's a really personal thing and is paid at its own expense.
But I always imagined all this to happen to a person. When it's put in such a condition, a married couple, a family, it's a whole other concept. I imagined what it'll be like if that was my dad. A transexual friend is cool. A female father is too much to think about.
And never have it occured in my little mind that a person can change sexuality but not sexual attraction!! The fact that Ruth (Tom's character) insists that he still loves his wife and would never love a man is another mind boggles for me.
I'm not going to start talking about sexuality here (I already did on Friendster), but it's amazing HOW MUCH IT AFFECTS LIFE and the normality of it. In one night, I was forced to think out of what I thought was my broad, flexible box.

It was all just a little too much. I actually ended up staring bug-eyed to the ceiling that night, which wasn't very good since I had an early busy day the next.

Maybe I'm not as affirmed to this whole controversial-but-true-to-yourself things as I thought.

I miss you.

(Not in a romantic way, though, but I do).

What happened? I still don't understand.
Well, I think I do understand what happened, but I don't understand why we can't start over.
I don't understand why you won't talk to me.
It's been over six months. We grew. So many things have happened since then.

For starters, you found someone.

I found someone too, though in a different way. But if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have found him.
I owe you one, man.
There are many things in the past that I've done and regretted (to this day), but being your friend isn't one of them.
Yes, I have thought about it, and it's true that you and I are not made of the same stuff.
No, I'm not sure that we can be as good friends as we were before.
But you know me. I want what I don't have.

Perhaps you'd like to know why?
One reason.
You introduced me to myself.
You forced me to reflect and say, "Hello, me. Nice to meet you."
And when somebody does that much to my life, I'm not keen on letting that someone be just a "someone I know". No sir.
That's why.

Argh, now I'm being mushy..Look, I don't mean to be all sensitive here, okay? Those days are gone. My intentions are pure. No sneaky stuff.

I miss being your friend.

Huh.

Let me tell you what happened the other day.
The week when it happened, I was very. VERY. Upset.
After six months of hard work, I found out that what I thought to be my hardest effort (so far) only resulted to the worst outcome I’ve had.
I also received some very entertaining remarks and accusations from someone whom I’ve put respect for since the day we met. Wait, did I say entertaining? I meant rude, offensive and appalling. Not to mention that this put me into a very sensitive and risky position for the next two and a half years.
I can’t talk to anybody because it’s really a silly thing to discuss about, and someone would just tell me that I’m a big drama queen (which I am).

It wasn’t a very happy week.
And then I had to go to work.

So, after deciding that I'm officially a loser, the next day I went to the office.

It was a class I’ve only had for two sessions. They’re OK, but dealing with seven sixth-grade girls whom I’ve only known for four hours wasn’t really my idea of fun.
Anyway, the project that day was to make Valentine cards. So of course I had to fetch all kinds of odds and ends the kids needed, guarding them to talk English at all times, see that all of them are making cards instead of talking about boys, and making sure that no small beads/food/drink are spilled to the newly tiled floor.
After an hour and a half, I was physically and emotionally drained.
I’ve just had it.
This is not what I wanted to do.
This is not how I wanted my life to be.
I’m so not cut out for teaching children.
Then one girl wanted a piece of pink carton.
I went to fetch five, and added some other colors so I won’t have to go back and forth in case she wanted more.
She didn’t expect it.

When I handed her the material, she squealed with joy and cried, “Thank you! I want to be your student forever!”

That’s it. That’s the story.

There are some people who would read this and go, “So?” And I agree with them.
So she said that. So what?
She’s just a kid.
It’s not like my life is going to get all better now that she said it.
Yeah.

But there are also some people who would read this and smiled, and nodded understandingly. And unfortunately, I agree with them more.

So.
You know.
I still think my life’s pathetic, but...

Maybe I don’t hate myself as much anymore.

For all you fast drivers in the world

Why, ever since the word “transportation” and “technology” are invented, are we so enthusiastic to go anywhere, anytime, as fast as possible?
Transportation was meant to be a survival aid. Since you are not likely to live in a place where everything you need grows naturally (including companions), you need to go to places that provide those things. In order to get to those places, you need transportation. Of course man’s own two feet are also a form of transportation, generously provided by nature. In fact we were quite happy with this facility for centuries, using them to fetch our basic needs – food, wood, and a form of clothing. It was sufficient.
And then technology walks in. It happened when we realize the world is so much bigger than our walks can cover. There are more places in this world that we can imagine! And God knows what lies on all those places! We were so excited to find out. Ships were built, to explore the mystery and depths of the sea. Wheels were attached to a platform, to construct some kind of land transportation. We moved from using our own (or some animals’) body to a machine that enables us to explore larger areas. We did it all because we want to seek the opportunities; we want more than just the basic needs, which we already have. We want luxury, the kinds that are hardest to get.
Suddenly it became so important to travel. First there was curiosity. Then there’s research. There was also social motivation that forced us to go places. But now one might wonder, is it not all basically our urge for finer things in life? When we leave the house for school/office/store, aren’t we aware that we did it not for inquiries, but for the education/money/things?
Everyday, nowadays, when you get into a car and drive down busy roads, you’d see hard-driving people anxious to “get there before it’s too late”. Acting almost barbaric on the roads, desperate to speed past everything in front of them. Look around, and you’ll see highway and shortcuts, constructed by the city simply to serve the fast-paced world. Planes and helicopters soaring through the clouds.
Frustrated people on traffics.
Busy railroads and crowded sidewalks.
The symphony of horns & graceful maneuvers whenever public buses start to announce themselves on the streets.
Dear God, the things we must cope just to simply move!
A genius named Douglas Adams put it very well in his book, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. Simply the best book of the universe (it proudly stated itself so in the first page), it contains a part that explains this issue in a simple, amusing way:
“ ‘Why do you mean, why it’s got to be built?’ he said. ‘It’s a bypass. You’ve got to build bypasses.’
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what’s so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there, and what’s so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. ”
Enough said.