Back from a one-month trip that supposedly changed my life (it kind of did, actually) and definitely gave me time to think things over.
The day I went home, I chatted with my friend who told me all the cool things my other friends are doing, and as usual, this set my blood to boil.
So I think it's time to address some of my personal problems (the "death penalty" post will have to wait), those dangerous characteristics I can't get rid of:
(1) Excessive competitiveness.
The things I do unconsciously: I scrutinize other people's life, compare them with my own, and get frustrated when I'm not doing as good. And yes, there are times when I do expect other people to fail.
The weird thing is, people who are obsessed with competition are usually successful people, since they hate losing. Strangely, I'm not successful. Which leads me to my next point:
(2) Low self-respect
That's right. It's obvious from this blog that I suffer random moments of self-hatred. I don't know how this is going to go away completely (especially since I keep losing to other people), but since I don't feel this way all the time (in fact most of my friends who knew me for the recent year would tell you I love myself a tad too much), maybe it's not so crucial. I have this blog to throw all that in anyway.
(3) Carelessness
This is the one ugly thing I have and seem to enjoy. Let me explain.
You know those things girls do to their friends? Like asking if you've had lunch yet at 3 PM, and if you said no they get worried and insist you to eat. I really can't be bothered to do those things. I understand that people do it because they care about each other, but good God, there's a fine line between "caring" and "doting". If you left a happy, healthy 20-year-old woman in a mall to wander alone for an hour, she will live properly. You don't have to spend your time worrying or telling her to call you once she got home. It's not necessary. No. No. Open that "you're so mean" curtain on your head and let your brain do the logic: It's not necessary. I'm not being mean, I'm careful in not giving too much compassion. I only pick real reasons to pay extra attention to:
a. Things that involve real danger (like walking on the street or driving at night alone, taking TB medicines on time)
b. Things that upset people (heartbreaks, death of someone, etc.)
c. Things that men do because of their values..and society expectation (giving your seat to old people or your girlfriends, escort less-physically-competent people to cross the street)
(4) The whole "drama queen" vs "I am not amused" thing.
I seem to get excited only for things I chose to be exciting. Mostly I get excited for small things : a bubble, which will always remain my number one excite factor, food that hit the spot, anything I bought (I've the habit of sleeping with my new belongings on the night of purchase - sort of like a christening). But when I see things that are not amazing (to my senses), I can't pretend to be excited. It's an "all-or-nothing" attitude which, unfortunately, made me look like a snob at most times.
I'll make an example. I like funny people. I mean I really love them in all way possible. Tell me something funny and you will not be disappointed by my response. Sadly, only a handful of people have that talent to be funny. And whenever I see someone trying to be funny, but failed, I really can't give so much as a polite laugh. To me, zero response is better than fake ones.
So. Like I said, a month away really gave me a lot of time to think things over(sighs dramatically)...aaand I admit that I still celebrates things that are not worth celebrating (confession tone). But hey. How many of us can elaborate our own flaws this thorough?