I have a problem with chocolate.
If I ate it, occassionally (more often than not) I get these annoying headaches. But not just any headache like the one you suffer when you have a cold, these feels like all the blood in your head rise up to your brain, then you feel increasingly dizzy and you picture the veins on the side of your head (I think it's called posterior facial veins, but I'm not sure) are blocked with chocolate, and the blood flow is pushing as hard as it can to keep flowing. Then you started questioning your intelligence for consuming this substance in the first place.
So far I haven't been bothered to find out a medical explanation for this. I predicted it has something to do with cocoa, but there are some brands of chocolate I can eat with no side effects. Then I wondered if I have a problem with cheap chocolate bars, since I thoroughly enjoy Ferrero Rocher and Godiva truffles. I find this assumption highly flattering and was content with it for a while, thinking of myself as a real-life-quality-checker for chocolate. But then I found some really cheap chocolate bars I like. Then there are some that gives different effects everytime I eat them. So in the end I just gave up trying to analyse this and simply rely on my luck for the random headaches.
I'm still a big fan of chocolate, though. I find it amazing how chocolate is integrated within humanity.
Okay, I know the automatic response to this is Oh please, don't be so dramatic. But think about it. I don't think that, apart from water, there is a single substance that has the power to affect our lives in an absolute way chocolate does. In a desperate attempt to prove it, I've conjured up my own crazy assumptions on how this happens.
See, when you were a child, you love sweet things. So that's all sweet stuff : candy, lollipops, ice cream, chocolate. Then the premice goes: Children like stuff that has a bit of a gooey texture to it. That leaves ice cream and chocolate (when slightly melted). Then I assumed children would prefer things they can hold in their hand without a risk of dropping it accidentally (like when the ice cream falls out of the cone). Not to mention the satisfaction of licking the wrapper that just doesn't happen on any other sweets. Thus, children loves chocolate.
And then, you grow up. This next assumption goes mostly for women: things go so much more complicated. Suddenly your body changes (but not the way you want it), you can't talk to your parents, everything is such an upsetting drama. You wish everything would just run along smoothly, just like when you were little. Suddenly you have that urge to feel like you're a child again. As it is now impossible to whine about your problems or spend time on the playground or dance naked in the rain, how do you propose to relive those happy times? Eat chocolate. Easy.
So how would this assumption affect men? When you're in a relationship, it goes a long way when you try to understand your partner. So, aside from putting up with mood strikes, relationship talks and guessing what they really want, men also must understand that women turn to chocolate as an ultimate fix-it. Giving your woman chocolate says:
(a) You love her
(b) You're aware that she loves chocolate
(c) You understand and accepts the fact that she loves chocolate
(d) You understand that chocolate is fattening, but you're OK with that because you know how much your woman loves chocolate (additional points for showing that you don't have a problem with fat women)
(e) You accept the inner child in her that caused her to love chocolate
(f) You respect her ability to overcame all of her problems with chocolate
(g) You show your support in helping her solve her problems
so, eventually:
(h) You love her.
With that many message in one gift, and the fact that men also like chocolate when they were young, the consumption of chocolate never stops.
I also understand that chocolate does a lot of things for your health. It releases serotonin that creates a relaxing pleasure, it's aphrodisiac, it has antioxidants that help protect blood vessels, promote cardiac health, and prevent cancer. It also has been effectively demonstrated to counteract mild hypertension, and no matter what your mother tell you, it does NOT cause acne. I'd expect the announcement that chocolate cures HIV any day now.
All in all, was there ever any doubt that our seemingly-independent lives are being controlled by this substance?
As minorities always suffer, people with chocolate-related diseases like me are left to smile uncomfortably when somebody gave them a box of pralines. Who are we to challenge the power of chocolate?
This has been a very late "Happy Valentine's Day for those who's celebrating" post.
P.S : This also has been perhaps the most enjoyable post-writing process I've ever had.
Monday
Wednesday
On what's happening on The World
I worry about the Afghanistan demonstration that's going on.
I especially worry because I'm not sure which stance to take, although I know I should have taken the obvious one.
We all heard about this...freedom of expression is limited only by other people's freedom (well, it's actually "rights" rather than "freedom", but anyway). Moslems strictly prohibit the drawing of Prophet Mohammad (PBUH), then sudddenly Denmark comes out with these caricatures of him and published them on European newspapers.
Here's what I worry about: the outrage caused by this is deadly insane.
All of a sudden, thousands of people are protesting and burning Danish Flags and demanding to kill ("hang", in their exact words) the guy who drew the thing. Danish government has called this a global crisis. Even President Bush has already acknowledged it, even though the demonstration in the US is not exactly significant, and is thinking of ways to support Denmark without seeming like he just wants to kill everyone who dare caused a riot. Or maybe without the last part.
But anyway. A contradiction is maybe a little inappropriate to point out here, but this was the first thoughtful question I came up with.
Islam, as we know it, is a highly preventive religion. The regulations are done to avoid things, to try and stop it before anything happened. It's not a religion to be easily understood, having that kind of views, because what everybody else seem to think is that it's illogically, insanely preventive.
I remember this Oprah show when a Christian was set to live with a Moslem family for a month. The first thing the Moslem husband did was prohibit the Christian to stay in the house alone with the Moslem wife. It is, as some of you might know, not allowed in Islam to have a man and a woman (each is not the other's muhrim - look it up if you need to) together in one room, because when two people do so, it's believed that Satan will be the third person. I remember what the Christian guy said, "I thought it was insane...then I thought of the condition in our society now, with young teenagers having sexual relationships, and then I understood (the Moslem's) point."
The case with the cartoon is similar. Moslems don't allow any drawing of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because "they fear that it could lead to idolatry" (as you will see repeatedly in any Yahoo! News). But now the drawing is here, and the incredible riots and the violence is here, but what I keep thinking is nobody is idolizing the caricatures.
So what does that mean?
The outcome that the Moslems were trying to prevent hasn't happened yet.
But it's a really, really, ridiculously stupid thing to do to try and fiddle with sensitive religious rules in such a public way, especially if you believe that the religion is the producer of many terrorists (I bolded the "if" to show that this isn't my opinion, but might be yours). It's stupid enough to try and fiddle with religious rules in the first place.
And now Denmark faces the consequences, with Moslems throughout the world protesting against them. They look and think, "Why are they that mad?". Honestly I agree with that question. Not because I don't understand how sensitive the issue is, but because I fear that this will bring more bad reputations to Moslems, especially since people are so perplexed by the anger that they're assuming there must be something else Moslems are angry about.
So what does this all mean?
P.S: I love the part where Iran is using the "freedom of expression" argument to make a drawing competition of the Holocaust images. Man, those people are good.
I especially worry because I'm not sure which stance to take, although I know I should have taken the obvious one.
We all heard about this...freedom of expression is limited only by other people's freedom (well, it's actually "rights" rather than "freedom", but anyway). Moslems strictly prohibit the drawing of Prophet Mohammad (PBUH), then sudddenly Denmark comes out with these caricatures of him and published them on European newspapers.
Here's what I worry about: the outrage caused by this is deadly insane.
All of a sudden, thousands of people are protesting and burning Danish Flags and demanding to kill ("hang", in their exact words) the guy who drew the thing. Danish government has called this a global crisis. Even President Bush has already acknowledged it, even though the demonstration in the US is not exactly significant, and is thinking of ways to support Denmark without seeming like he just wants to kill everyone who dare caused a riot. Or maybe without the last part.
But anyway. A contradiction is maybe a little inappropriate to point out here, but this was the first thoughtful question I came up with.
Islam, as we know it, is a highly preventive religion. The regulations are done to avoid things, to try and stop it before anything happened. It's not a religion to be easily understood, having that kind of views, because what everybody else seem to think is that it's illogically, insanely preventive.
I remember this Oprah show when a Christian was set to live with a Moslem family for a month. The first thing the Moslem husband did was prohibit the Christian to stay in the house alone with the Moslem wife. It is, as some of you might know, not allowed in Islam to have a man and a woman (each is not the other's muhrim - look it up if you need to) together in one room, because when two people do so, it's believed that Satan will be the third person. I remember what the Christian guy said, "I thought it was insane...then I thought of the condition in our society now, with young teenagers having sexual relationships, and then I understood (the Moslem's) point."
The case with the cartoon is similar. Moslems don't allow any drawing of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because "they fear that it could lead to idolatry" (as you will see repeatedly in any Yahoo! News). But now the drawing is here, and the incredible riots and the violence is here, but what I keep thinking is nobody is idolizing the caricatures.
So what does that mean?
The outcome that the Moslems were trying to prevent hasn't happened yet.
But it's a really, really, ridiculously stupid thing to do to try and fiddle with sensitive religious rules in such a public way, especially if you believe that the religion is the producer of many terrorists (I bolded the "if" to show that this isn't my opinion, but might be yours). It's stupid enough to try and fiddle with religious rules in the first place.
And now Denmark faces the consequences, with Moslems throughout the world protesting against them. They look and think, "Why are they that mad?". Honestly I agree with that question. Not because I don't understand how sensitive the issue is, but because I fear that this will bring more bad reputations to Moslems, especially since people are so perplexed by the anger that they're assuming there must be something else Moslems are angry about.
So what does this all mean?
P.S: I love the part where Iran is using the "freedom of expression" argument to make a drawing competition of the Holocaust images. Man, those people are good.
Thursday
I'm back.
Back from a one-month trip that supposedly changed my life (it kind of did, actually) and definitely gave me time to think things over.
The day I went home, I chatted with my friend who told me all the cool things my other friends are doing, and as usual, this set my blood to boil.
So I think it's time to address some of my personal problems (the "death penalty" post will have to wait), those dangerous characteristics I can't get rid of:
(1) Excessive competitiveness.
The things I do unconsciously: I scrutinize other people's life, compare them with my own, and get frustrated when I'm not doing as good. And yes, there are times when I do expect other people to fail.
The weird thing is, people who are obsessed with competition are usually successful people, since they hate losing. Strangely, I'm not successful. Which leads me to my next point:
(2) Low self-respect
That's right. It's obvious from this blog that I suffer random moments of self-hatred. I don't know how this is going to go away completely (especially since I keep losing to other people), but since I don't feel this way all the time (in fact most of my friends who knew me for the recent year would tell you I love myself a tad too much), maybe it's not so crucial. I have this blog to throw all that in anyway.
(3) Carelessness
This is the one ugly thing I have and seem to enjoy. Let me explain.
You know those things girls do to their friends? Like asking if you've had lunch yet at 3 PM, and if you said no they get worried and insist you to eat. I really can't be bothered to do those things. I understand that people do it because they care about each other, but good God, there's a fine line between "caring" and "doting". If you left a happy, healthy 20-year-old woman in a mall to wander alone for an hour, she will live properly. You don't have to spend your time worrying or telling her to call you once she got home. It's not necessary. No. No. Open that "you're so mean" curtain on your head and let your brain do the logic: It's not necessary. I'm not being mean, I'm careful in not giving too much compassion. I only pick real reasons to pay extra attention to:
a. Things that involve real danger (like walking on the street or driving at night alone, taking TB medicines on time)
b. Things that upset people (heartbreaks, death of someone, etc.)
c. Things that men do because of their values..and society expectation (giving your seat to old people or your girlfriends, escort less-physically-competent people to cross the street)
(4) The whole "drama queen" vs "I am not amused" thing.
I seem to get excited only for things I chose to be exciting. Mostly I get excited for small things : a bubble, which will always remain my number one excite factor, food that hit the spot, anything I bought (I've the habit of sleeping with my new belongings on the night of purchase - sort of like a christening). But when I see things that are not amazing (to my senses), I can't pretend to be excited. It's an "all-or-nothing" attitude which, unfortunately, made me look like a snob at most times.
I'll make an example. I like funny people. I mean I really love them in all way possible. Tell me something funny and you will not be disappointed by my response. Sadly, only a handful of people have that talent to be funny. And whenever I see someone trying to be funny, but failed, I really can't give so much as a polite laugh. To me, zero response is better than fake ones.
So. Like I said, a month away really gave me a lot of time to think things over(sighs dramatically)...aaand I admit that I still celebrates things that are not worth celebrating (confession tone). But hey. How many of us can elaborate our own flaws this thorough?
The day I went home, I chatted with my friend who told me all the cool things my other friends are doing, and as usual, this set my blood to boil.
So I think it's time to address some of my personal problems (the "death penalty" post will have to wait), those dangerous characteristics I can't get rid of:
(1) Excessive competitiveness.
The things I do unconsciously: I scrutinize other people's life, compare them with my own, and get frustrated when I'm not doing as good. And yes, there are times when I do expect other people to fail.
The weird thing is, people who are obsessed with competition are usually successful people, since they hate losing. Strangely, I'm not successful. Which leads me to my next point:
(2) Low self-respect
That's right. It's obvious from this blog that I suffer random moments of self-hatred. I don't know how this is going to go away completely (especially since I keep losing to other people), but since I don't feel this way all the time (in fact most of my friends who knew me for the recent year would tell you I love myself a tad too much), maybe it's not so crucial. I have this blog to throw all that in anyway.
(3) Carelessness
This is the one ugly thing I have and seem to enjoy. Let me explain.
You know those things girls do to their friends? Like asking if you've had lunch yet at 3 PM, and if you said no they get worried and insist you to eat. I really can't be bothered to do those things. I understand that people do it because they care about each other, but good God, there's a fine line between "caring" and "doting". If you left a happy, healthy 20-year-old woman in a mall to wander alone for an hour, she will live properly. You don't have to spend your time worrying or telling her to call you once she got home. It's not necessary. No. No. Open that "you're so mean" curtain on your head and let your brain do the logic: It's not necessary. I'm not being mean, I'm careful in not giving too much compassion. I only pick real reasons to pay extra attention to:
a. Things that involve real danger (like walking on the street or driving at night alone, taking TB medicines on time)
b. Things that upset people (heartbreaks, death of someone, etc.)
c. Things that men do because of their values..and society expectation (giving your seat to old people or your girlfriends, escort less-physically-competent people to cross the street)
(4) The whole "drama queen" vs "I am not amused" thing.
I seem to get excited only for things I chose to be exciting. Mostly I get excited for small things : a bubble, which will always remain my number one excite factor, food that hit the spot, anything I bought (I've the habit of sleeping with my new belongings on the night of purchase - sort of like a christening). But when I see things that are not amazing (to my senses), I can't pretend to be excited. It's an "all-or-nothing" attitude which, unfortunately, made me look like a snob at most times.
I'll make an example. I like funny people. I mean I really love them in all way possible. Tell me something funny and you will not be disappointed by my response. Sadly, only a handful of people have that talent to be funny. And whenever I see someone trying to be funny, but failed, I really can't give so much as a polite laugh. To me, zero response is better than fake ones.
So. Like I said, a month away really gave me a lot of time to think things over(sighs dramatically)...aaand I admit that I still celebrates things that are not worth celebrating (confession tone). But hey. How many of us can elaborate our own flaws this thorough?
Sunday
On remorse and regrets
I was cleaning up my inbox just now (an equivalent to tidying your attic - I proudly say that representing not just geeks, but the whole modern world. Admit.), and around the third page I found the email announcing I've been accepted to take part in ESWiL, which is a youth conference held in Poland.
I hesitated. That seems like so long ago.
I should've known it was coming, since I've erased the emails following that one, about the visa, the travel grant, the unbelievable venting in lack of professionalism...all the headache I had to put up with for something I didn't even go to.
I remembered when I got that email. I've been waiting for it for what seems like forever, performing my tough-senior-on-newbies-orientation duty in agony. I almost gave hope, since I haven't heard from them for so long. Then that day, I just finished a meeting, I decided to stick around in campus and check my mail.
The subject "ESWiL-You have been accepted" was pretty self-explanatory - I managed not to scream as the lab was very, very quiet, but several seconds passed in cloud nine. It was unreal.
Once I got to the ground again, I looked for the nearest person I know and eagerly told him. The second thing I did was post an ecstatic message in my local online forum. (Yes, I'm THAT geeky)
I didn't regret not going to Poland. It was my decision, which is different from the one-year-program case back in high school (which I still suffer random remorse attacks about). But the similarities made it kind of difficult to accept. I had two chances of going out there and see what the world offers, and I turned both down. Is that being considerate or stupid? Was it really about being realistic (the organizers are impossible) or was it about taking chances?
Some says I'll get another chance. Will I really, and if I do, how will I know I won't turn it down again?
A good thing came up, though: I realized the chances I get are getting better. First it was an AFS-like program where I have to pay pretty much everything. Then it was the Poland conference that will feed and facilitated me FULLY for TWO WEEKS with 25 Euro. That's astonishingly cheap, even my dad had doubts in my rejection since it was so cheap.
I'm trying to find a scholarship in Australia now. I treated it the way I treated my wishes that have come true before, and I expect success out of it. But I don't know what will happen.
Who knows, maybe in the third, fourth, maybe fifth chance, I'll get one where it fits me perfectly, and I'll finally be able to make my lifelong dream come true?
Who knows?
I hesitated. That seems like so long ago.
I should've known it was coming, since I've erased the emails following that one, about the visa, the travel grant, the unbelievable venting in lack of professionalism...all the headache I had to put up with for something I didn't even go to.
I remembered when I got that email. I've been waiting for it for what seems like forever, performing my tough-senior-on-newbies-orientation duty in agony. I almost gave hope, since I haven't heard from them for so long. Then that day, I just finished a meeting, I decided to stick around in campus and check my mail.
The subject "ESWiL-You have been accepted" was pretty self-explanatory - I managed not to scream as the lab was very, very quiet, but several seconds passed in cloud nine. It was unreal.
Once I got to the ground again, I looked for the nearest person I know and eagerly told him. The second thing I did was post an ecstatic message in my local online forum. (Yes, I'm THAT geeky)
I didn't regret not going to Poland. It was my decision, which is different from the one-year-program case back in high school (which I still suffer random remorse attacks about). But the similarities made it kind of difficult to accept. I had two chances of going out there and see what the world offers, and I turned both down. Is that being considerate or stupid? Was it really about being realistic (the organizers are impossible) or was it about taking chances?
Some says I'll get another chance. Will I really, and if I do, how will I know I won't turn it down again?
A good thing came up, though: I realized the chances I get are getting better. First it was an AFS-like program where I have to pay pretty much everything. Then it was the Poland conference that will feed and facilitated me FULLY for TWO WEEKS with 25 Euro. That's astonishingly cheap, even my dad had doubts in my rejection since it was so cheap.
I'm trying to find a scholarship in Australia now. I treated it the way I treated my wishes that have come true before, and I expect success out of it. But I don't know what will happen.
Who knows, maybe in the third, fourth, maybe fifth chance, I'll get one where it fits me perfectly, and I'll finally be able to make my lifelong dream come true?
Who knows?
Monday
Refresh.
Aahhh.
Most people I know would think that the title refers to what you do when you press Alt + F5.
But what I actually meant was what happened to me that weekend.
I felt refreshed.
I didn't expect to feel that way while watching Susan Sarandon in her lingerie kissing a woman, but that was what happened. Let me start over.
A few weeks ago there was this film festival in my town, one that shows gay movies. Not surprisingly, I went with the two most appropriate men to go with: a gay guy and the sexual object of my affection.
The moment I walked in that place, I knew I was in for something I've never encountered before. And by that time, it was EXACTLY what I needed. Something new and fresh.
There were only two women in that room including myself, and I looked around enjoying the rare feast for my eyes. Men exchanging moist little smacks. Men in pairs. Foreign men. The ambience was set for a clubbing night, with beers and lights everywhere, and yet there was this silence and darkness like you would expect in a cinema. The place had this whole mysterious impression, like you're going to get sucked inside and never get out. Even the bathroom, the darkest most exotic bathroom I've ever been in, makes you feel like you're in a whole other world.
Then the movie starts.
That, my friends, slapped me with the fact that some people would just make pointless movies and any eager upcoming Hollywood actress would gladly take part.
I would've said this was the most pointless movie I've ever seen, except that I've seen worse ones (I really should stop watching independent French movies).
Nevertheless, I was witnessing something I never thought existed. Not just the movie, but the whole ambience, like I said before, was something very new to me. I felt like I was washed out and turned into a whole different person.
So then this whole different person and her friends went out to eat. We were talking, particularly about the subject relevant to the movie we just saw. Then another shock came.
The sexual object of my affection (I really enjoyed calling him that), the guy who can turn me on just by showing up, told me that he had had experience dating guys before.
I was beyond shocked. I was so used to my other favorite sexual object being such a homophob, I automatically thought all unbelievably hot guys are like that. But here was the ultimate alpha male, happily blurting out the opposite.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because", he said, "you wouldn't know which fits the best if you haven't tried both, now would you?"
And I couldn't help thinking, hmmm. He had a point.
Now while I was busy thinking about that point, out came the question:
"So why aren't you a lesbian?"
It took me some time to think before I answered it, and thankfully he was satisfied with the answer. But the answer would generate a whole other post, because this one's already long enough. I'll write that down later.
Anyway, giving him a satisfactory answer was something I rarely accomplish, and for that I felt even more refreshed.
Most people I know would think that the title refers to what you do when you press Alt + F5.
But what I actually meant was what happened to me that weekend.
I felt refreshed.
I didn't expect to feel that way while watching Susan Sarandon in her lingerie kissing a woman, but that was what happened. Let me start over.
A few weeks ago there was this film festival in my town, one that shows gay movies. Not surprisingly, I went with the two most appropriate men to go with: a gay guy and the sexual object of my affection.
The moment I walked in that place, I knew I was in for something I've never encountered before. And by that time, it was EXACTLY what I needed. Something new and fresh.
There were only two women in that room including myself, and I looked around enjoying the rare feast for my eyes. Men exchanging moist little smacks. Men in pairs. Foreign men. The ambience was set for a clubbing night, with beers and lights everywhere, and yet there was this silence and darkness like you would expect in a cinema. The place had this whole mysterious impression, like you're going to get sucked inside and never get out. Even the bathroom, the darkest most exotic bathroom I've ever been in, makes you feel like you're in a whole other world.
Then the movie starts.
That, my friends, slapped me with the fact that some people would just make pointless movies and any eager upcoming Hollywood actress would gladly take part.
I would've said this was the most pointless movie I've ever seen, except that I've seen worse ones (I really should stop watching independent French movies).
Nevertheless, I was witnessing something I never thought existed. Not just the movie, but the whole ambience, like I said before, was something very new to me. I felt like I was washed out and turned into a whole different person.
So then this whole different person and her friends went out to eat. We were talking, particularly about the subject relevant to the movie we just saw. Then another shock came.
The sexual object of my affection (I really enjoyed calling him that), the guy who can turn me on just by showing up, told me that he had had experience dating guys before.
I was beyond shocked. I was so used to my other favorite sexual object being such a homophob, I automatically thought all unbelievably hot guys are like that. But here was the ultimate alpha male, happily blurting out the opposite.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because", he said, "you wouldn't know which fits the best if you haven't tried both, now would you?"
And I couldn't help thinking, hmmm. He had a point.
Now while I was busy thinking about that point, out came the question:
"So why aren't you a lesbian?"
It took me some time to think before I answered it, and thankfully he was satisfied with the answer. But the answer would generate a whole other post, because this one's already long enough. I'll write that down later.
Anyway, giving him a satisfactory answer was something I rarely accomplish, and for that I felt even more refreshed.
Saturday
Damn it and the whole damn wide universe
Not exactly a good day. Not.
Don't get me wrong, I did some things I was proud of, I had fun with my friends, I have the house all by myself now...
But none of this matters to me, once I realize what a pointless life I've been having for some time. Pointless!!
My goal in life is to be happy. And you know what? I'm not. Thus concluding, my life has failed to reach its goal.
Allow me to wail and see if anyone can make a coherent sentence to explain this.
I spent my Friday doing meetings, which I'm getting sick of now. I don't understand why things can't just take care of their own.
Then, I went through my Friday night not being able to sleep, because I was coughing like crazy all night long. I literally kicked myself for not being able to sleep.
On Saturday I spent the whole day with my friends, laughing, working, eating together, having some talks...and at no point have I ever felt content.
How do I know about this, you say?
I ran into the sexual object of my affection today, and when we were talking I got to realise...how GOOD it felt when I first knew him. It brought back all the memories of him telling me to get over my ex and start offering free rides to other guys. I used to feel so alive that moment. I was free, I was happy, and most importantly, I was content to have someone at heart.
I had that someone whom I can be really honest with, who knows how to make me feel comfortable, who cares about me. We were never a couple, nor we ever will be, but I love him to death.
The only guy whom I can exchange "I love you"s with (to this day) and still maintain a platonic relationship.
After that one talk, I looked back at my life, and I see no one that can do this to me anymore.
I was just sitting there, making notes in that meeting, looking at all these people surrounding me,
and still I felt lonely.
(Especially when I looked around, and saw people with comfort glowing from them and people near them, and I just can't understand what kind of sin I have done not to be able to feel that way)
When I talk my opinions are heard and respected, but as I say them I looked at my friend's faces...and there was something I was looking for but could not find.
Not necessarily a guy's affection, nor a girl's tender attention, nor even some heartening appraisal. I am thankful to have all that, but I need that something...that can make me say to myself, "You know what, I have this thing with someone and it's special. So you do what you gotta do, screw the world. You'll always have this person anyways."
Content. Where did that feeling go?
Damn it, WHAT ON EARTH DID I DO THAT MADE EVERYBODY LEAVE ME ALONE?
WHY DOES EVERYBODY KEEP TURNING TO OTHER PEOPLE AND PUTTING ME ASIDE?
I'm freakin' upset for 7 hours everyday about this, and to this day, 20 years and 27 days after my birth, NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS!!! WHY CAN'T (or won't) ANYBODY SEE THAT I'M LONELY? And don't give me that "You have to open up to people" crap. If I have ever found someone whom I can talk to about this and not run away in a year or so, then I wouldn't have had this problem in the first place.
I'm not happy.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
What, you think I'm self-centered? Can you help it if you're the only person who worries about yourself?
Illness and loneliness are not a good combination.
Don't get me wrong, I did some things I was proud of, I had fun with my friends, I have the house all by myself now...
But none of this matters to me, once I realize what a pointless life I've been having for some time. Pointless!!
My goal in life is to be happy. And you know what? I'm not. Thus concluding, my life has failed to reach its goal.
Allow me to wail and see if anyone can make a coherent sentence to explain this.
I spent my Friday doing meetings, which I'm getting sick of now. I don't understand why things can't just take care of their own.
Then, I went through my Friday night not being able to sleep, because I was coughing like crazy all night long. I literally kicked myself for not being able to sleep.
On Saturday I spent the whole day with my friends, laughing, working, eating together, having some talks...and at no point have I ever felt content.
How do I know about this, you say?
I ran into the sexual object of my affection today, and when we were talking I got to realise...how GOOD it felt when I first knew him. It brought back all the memories of him telling me to get over my ex and start offering free rides to other guys. I used to feel so alive that moment. I was free, I was happy, and most importantly, I was content to have someone at heart.
I had that someone whom I can be really honest with, who knows how to make me feel comfortable, who cares about me. We were never a couple, nor we ever will be, but I love him to death.
The only guy whom I can exchange "I love you"s with (to this day) and still maintain a platonic relationship.
After that one talk, I looked back at my life, and I see no one that can do this to me anymore.
I was just sitting there, making notes in that meeting, looking at all these people surrounding me,
and still I felt lonely.
(Especially when I looked around, and saw people with comfort glowing from them and people near them, and I just can't understand what kind of sin I have done not to be able to feel that way)
When I talk my opinions are heard and respected, but as I say them I looked at my friend's faces...and there was something I was looking for but could not find.
Not necessarily a guy's affection, nor a girl's tender attention, nor even some heartening appraisal. I am thankful to have all that, but I need that something...that can make me say to myself, "You know what, I have this thing with someone and it's special. So you do what you gotta do, screw the world. You'll always have this person anyways."
Content. Where did that feeling go?
Damn it, WHAT ON EARTH DID I DO THAT MADE EVERYBODY LEAVE ME ALONE?
WHY DOES EVERYBODY KEEP TURNING TO OTHER PEOPLE AND PUTTING ME ASIDE?
I'm freakin' upset for 7 hours everyday about this, and to this day, 20 years and 27 days after my birth, NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS!!! WHY CAN'T (or won't) ANYBODY SEE THAT I'M LONELY? And don't give me that "You have to open up to people" crap. If I have ever found someone whom I can talk to about this and not run away in a year or so, then I wouldn't have had this problem in the first place.
I'm not happy.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my life right now.
What, you think I'm self-centered? Can you help it if you're the only person who worries about yourself?
Illness and loneliness are not a good combination.
It Was You.
You were the reason I made this blog. And the other one. And post on the one on campus. Guess what? People like it. I have a lot of people saying they like my thoughts, that they find them amusing and enlighting.
You were behind me ever since the start of my job. You're the one who always said, "You're not a kid anymore, you're an adult! You have a carreer!" That got me through. Two years, a raise, and a promotion.
You got me thinking about things I never thought I could think about. You triggered my brain to work, you introduced me to a thing called "serious discussion". I turned to debating because of you. I won two championships, sweetheart. You made me this way.
The thing is, I never can understand why you do these things in such cold approaches.
That was it, wasn't it? That was the basic difference that sets us apart. I can't bring myself to believe that you actually wanted to help me. You can't bring yourself to understand why I could prioritize things so unproportionally.
I read something you wrote, something that was once very personal to you. I don't know why you'd put it up for everyone to read, but I was very, very surprised to see you opening up. And you know what? I felt a little pride in here. Look at you, allowing people to see what's on your mind and all. You stepped out of that "loner" image!
We both have very different paths of life. It was something I learned on my own, you're a brilliant man, but you have your own way, enlightening others who pass ways with you. You will not be thoroughly understood by many, including myself, but your amazing perception will always make people look up to you.
You made people learn so much. No doubt you are one of the greatest people I've met during my short life...and I thought, I really thought, I could be a part of this. I thought I could step into your views and introduced you to my own. I thought I have the capability to create an impact on you.
But I was wrong. Instead, I hurt you like no woman has ever done before.
And now, when it's all over, I looked behind my shoulder and saw you happy....and I was happy.
I wished, like I've never wished before, that you would remember me even a fraction of how I remember you.
I wished, and I knelt praying, that I could meant something to you.
I may never know this, I may never know what you think of me, but my worst fear of all.....
my deepest fear is to know that you regret having known me at all.
That you thought I was the biggest mistake in your life.
Just the thought of this stabbed myself so hard, I can't think of senseful sentences to continue this with.
Why. Did I have to lose you. That way.
God, are you listening to me? Please, I beg You, make our time together worthwhile for him. Even just for the smallest bit You can manage.
Tonight, for the first time in months, I cried for you. For losing you.
It was you. You helped me to all this...and this is all for you.
You were behind me ever since the start of my job. You're the one who always said, "You're not a kid anymore, you're an adult! You have a carreer!" That got me through. Two years, a raise, and a promotion.
You got me thinking about things I never thought I could think about. You triggered my brain to work, you introduced me to a thing called "serious discussion". I turned to debating because of you. I won two championships, sweetheart. You made me this way.
The thing is, I never can understand why you do these things in such cold approaches.
That was it, wasn't it? That was the basic difference that sets us apart. I can't bring myself to believe that you actually wanted to help me. You can't bring yourself to understand why I could prioritize things so unproportionally.
I read something you wrote, something that was once very personal to you. I don't know why you'd put it up for everyone to read, but I was very, very surprised to see you opening up. And you know what? I felt a little pride in here. Look at you, allowing people to see what's on your mind and all. You stepped out of that "loner" image!
We both have very different paths of life. It was something I learned on my own, you're a brilliant man, but you have your own way, enlightening others who pass ways with you. You will not be thoroughly understood by many, including myself, but your amazing perception will always make people look up to you.
You made people learn so much. No doubt you are one of the greatest people I've met during my short life...and I thought, I really thought, I could be a part of this. I thought I could step into your views and introduced you to my own. I thought I have the capability to create an impact on you.
But I was wrong. Instead, I hurt you like no woman has ever done before.
And now, when it's all over, I looked behind my shoulder and saw you happy....and I was happy.
I wished, like I've never wished before, that you would remember me even a fraction of how I remember you.
I wished, and I knelt praying, that I could meant something to you.
I may never know this, I may never know what you think of me, but my worst fear of all.....
my deepest fear is to know that you regret having known me at all.
That you thought I was the biggest mistake in your life.
Just the thought of this stabbed myself so hard, I can't think of senseful sentences to continue this with.
Why. Did I have to lose you. That way.
God, are you listening to me? Please, I beg You, make our time together worthwhile for him. Even just for the smallest bit You can manage.
Tonight, for the first time in months, I cried for you. For losing you.
It was you. You helped me to all this...and this is all for you.
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